When Depression Comes Back

About a year ago I posted some tips on how I was able to keep depression at bay with showers, meditation and affirmations. I wanted to share this information with everyone because I know how debilitating depression can be. For about a year I was able to live depression free. My mood had ups and downs but nothing like what I experienced before. However two months ago that all changed. I work in the education field and have a pretty set routine from Monday to Friday. I go to sleep early, wake up early, work for 8 hours, go home and follow a detailed written schedule everyday except for the weekends.

At the end of June school ended and I was free to wake up as late as I wanted and enjoy my summer of freedom before a new school year started. For some reason I decided to be completely free this summer. I let go of any routine and schedule and started to go to sleep late and wake up late. At first it was fun and I was enjoying myself. Soon enough though I stopped working out, I started eating things I usually don’t eat, I stopped showering as frequently as I usually do. I even stopped meditating and doing affirmations. I also stopped writing in my journal. Slowly but surely I stopped talking to my friends and started staying at home. I didn’t go out at all and just let my car collect dust in my parking space. I promised myself that when I ran out of food or necessities I would be forced to go outside and drive. But of course I figured out I can get almost everything delivered at home with a click of a button. The less I spoke to my friends the more I shut down. On one particularly bad day I decided to throw away years worth of journals, vision boards and anything else that spoke of my hopes and dreams. I started to feel the crippling fear in my mind that I wasn’t worth anything. While on the outside I was as quiet as a mime, on the inside I was constantly talking to myself, doubting myself and saying the worst things you could ever say to anybody. It took about 2 weeks for me to realize I was depressed again.

My depression shuts me down to the world. I feel unworthy and therefore hide in my apartment so that no one has to witness my weakened state. I even went as far as blocking one of my friends who was actually really worried about me. Staying up late I discovered new streaming apps and strange foreign movies. I realized how in most of the foreign movies the characters were very sad and were honest about being sad. It was kind of refreshing to see that on my screen. After one movie where the character said she was “always a little sad” I realized that was me too, but that doesn’t mean that I should let the sadness take over. After that I went looking for saved youtube videos I had of people who really inspired me. I started watching a few videos and reading a couple of books daily. I wanted to brainwash myself into feeling good. My brain definitely needed some washing to get rid of the nasty thoughts inside. One of the things that has always helped me is a good shower or bath. I’ll be honest it took a couple of tries, at first all I could do was turn the shower on and look at it but not actually get into the shower, until finally one day I was able to push myself to shower. For some reason, a shower does something to me. Not only do I feel physically cleaner but I feel emotionally clean too. It’s almost like an accomplishment to get into the shower for me.

It took me a while but eventually my depression started to feel less and less part of my life. One day I went out and washed my car and even drove it to the nearest store for a few minutes. I was a bit afraid of developing agoraphobia because I stayed in so much but it seems like I didn’t since I have been out a few times now. At this point I am feeling much better, the negative self-talk is mostly gone and I make sure to watch something or listen to music if I start hearing it again. I have noticed that I am a bit different. I am much more quiet now with my friends and family. I don’t know if I am afraid of depression coming back again and that is why I am keeping everybody at a distance or what. I feel bad for my friends and family because they literally have no idea why I would shut down from one day to the next. I have no explanation for them other than to say this is what depression is like for me. I have created a new routine for myself and am back to meditating and writing. I still haven’t laughed or smiled yet but I know it’s in there waiting for the right time to come out. I can’t say if my depression came back because I let go of my routine or not, especially since I have had depression for most of my life. But what I can say is that following my routine, pushing myself to shower, pushing myself to write helps me become more stable. It’s like I’m following the road back to happiness one step at a time. While I am in the darkness it is really, really hard to see the light, but I have to acknowledge that the light inside is always there and I feel it. This light is incredibly patient and takes advantage of any time any nanosecond that I am willing to see it to bring me back. I wanted to share this for anyone who goes through the same thing I do. At my age I am starting to believe depression is a part of me, a part of me that I will always have to face at different stages of my life. Anyway, I wanted to share this part of my journey, now I will get back to writing and creating and enjoying my life.