Worry-some? More like Worry-lot

For a long time, I worried. Worried about anything and everything in my life. I was addicted to worrying. From morning to night worry and fear would consume my brain. In the morning worried about running out of time while getting ready for work. I would worry about wearing a nice outfit so that at least I could look the part of a professional. I would worry about my car and if it would safely take me all the way to work because I was sure that I heard a noise yesterday. At work I worried that people were smiling at me but secretly hated me. I would also worry that this job was too much for me and I would not be able to handle it. Any email I received from work gave me anxiety because I was sure it would be a “You’re fired!” email. On my drive home I worried that something would happen like a broken-down car that I wouldn’t see in time, and I would have a car crash. Incidentally, this is another reason why I would never accept any invites to hang out after work, I would thank my lucky stars when I would arrive safely to my apartment. Once at home I would finally feel a little less fear and worry. I felt safe in my home with my cat and sister. But after a couple of hours, I would remember that I had to do the whole thing again the next day and so my worry would come back.

On and on I went through my life and while I was able to achieve certain goals, they were very limited because of my fears. Not only that, but I also never allowed myself to enjoy anything I accomplished. For example, I would aim for a certain job. I would obsess about getting the job until I got it. Of course, once I obtained the job, I started to worry that I must have gotten the job by pure luck because there was no way I was the right candidate for it. So, my worry began and each week I believed I would be fired. I also convinced myself that my coworkers could tell I sucked at my job, and they looked down at me. I did not ever allow myself to enjoy my jobs. I could do the job for a year or two before convincing myself that my end was near, and I would be fired because my work was not as good as others, so I decided to quit and move on before I was fired.

This happened over and over in my life. I did not tell anyone in my life about my fears and anxiety because I knew that it would sound crazy. Instead, I kept it to myself and limited the extent of my relationships to superficial conversations. I worried that if I ever let those around me know how much I feared and worried every single day of my life they would not be able to enjoy their time with me. Living this way is a nightmare. I wish this type of mentality on absolutely no one. Now, at almost 40 years old I have read enough books and done enough research to understand that only me, myself and I can change my life for the better. But it’s easier said than done. This year however I have been able to bring proof and evidence before my eyes of what my life can be when I let go of fear. Still, every single day at some point of the day my mind returns to its original packaging and fear and worry grow to such huge percentages of my brain.