The Unknown Force

I think I’ve talked about this before in other posts but it seems particularly important to explain it in more detail now. I don’t know if it is prudent for me to think of myself as a survivor of my own self but I will explain why I feel this way. Part of it is the fact that I know how lucky I am to be able to sit here and type this piece while feeling completely different than just a few weeks ago. In those moments when I was feeling dangerously low and losing a bit of control of myself I have to say I would feel unsure of how much longer I could take. Yet somehow, even in my darkest times, I felt an unknown force inside of me that would be screaming at me from a faraway distance, I could barely hear it but I knew it was there, I could feel it. I call it the unknown force because I’m unsure what it is exactly; Is it my soul? Are they angels? Is it blind faith? My subconscious? I have no idea. I just know I am very lucky to have this unknown force inside of me.

This past summer was one I will never forget. Living in some kind of a frozen and stale repeating episode everyday. I have been through low times in my life for different reasons, but this past summer was the darkest yet. The days began with tears and ended with blank stares at the ceiling. As the days passed and I was unable to simply shake it off, something inside of me started to grow. An unknown force in me started to grow. I call it a force because it feels like a force deep inside of myself. Slowly but surely the unknown force starts to make itself known and grow their little voice. This unknown force is strong and will slowly but surely make me listen to what it has to say or feel what it wants to make me feel. While I am down the unknown force exists and somehow holds my head steady quietly at first then loudly in the end. This unknown force goes ahead and gets to work on me without my permission, it just sets itself up and guides me each day, out of the darkness.

The unknown force fills me with some kind of inner strength in which I somehow know I am strong enough to get through the darkness. It’s difficult to describe how I can feel both defeated and strong at the same time. It’s a bit of a roller coaster at times. Feeling both extremes at the same time can be confusing but it seems to work in the end because it somehow offers me a bit of balance. Without the unknown force there is a chance I might totally lose myself and give into the darkness. This unknown force is not always there, I have noticed that it will only show itself when I am at my weakest point. This last summer as each day grew darker and darker I heard it, or felt it, once again. I knew in my mind that I was strong enough to bear another horrible experience and ride out the wave until it was over.

Whatever this unknown force is, I am grateful to have it with me. I don’t want to try and figure out what is because I feel if I ever found out I might use it as an excuse to ignore it. Instead I thank my lucky stars that this force exists within me and keeps me surviving. The unknown force keeps alive and keeps the darkness from completely taking over. I wonder if there are more people out there who have experienced this unknown force as well?