Pushing Myself

After living as a complete hermit for about two months I finally awoke one day feeling a little bit more energized. It was just enough energy to push myself out of bed and try to do something, anything in my house. I looked around my room and saw dust, hair and clothes on the ground. I used my limited amount of energy to pick up some things and clean for a bit. Of course after so much time lying in bed this moving around business got to me rather quickly. After a few minutes of cleaning up I once again laid in bed, but for some reason I felt a bit better just looking around in my room. I decided that I would continue to tidy up the next morning and went to bed. The next morning I again woke up with more energy, this time I decided to push myself past my short spurt of energy. I continued cleaning and when I felt I was starting to feel tired I simply kept going. I was able to do much more cleaning and less lying down after pushing myself. Once finished I felt a certain sense of accomplishment which was the total opposite of the sadness that had kept me in bed for the past months.

I keep a journal in which I write down all my feelings, whether good or bad, and through that journal I discovered that pushing myself past the point which I believed was the end actually did something to my mind. I consider myself a very sensitive person and so I am very careful with myself. I try not to do too much in my life besides work, writing and reading because I believe I can’t handle much more than that. After reading back my journal and realizing that pushing myself to do more than I thought I could was achievable, it actually had me thinking: I need to push myself more. I would never accept anyone else pushing me of course, that would send me straight back into my shell, but pushing myself was something I could handle. There are so many things I avoid doing and so many beliefs I have created in my mind. What if I could finally push myself to do them?

Of course this idea is not a new one. There are so many books out there talking about pushing yourself to accomplish more. Countless videos and teachers out there talk about pushing yourself to achieve. I’ve heard this advice since I was a child, but for some reason it had never meant anything to me. Somewhere in my youth I realized and accepted that my joy, energy and plans had limits. No matter how much I wanted to do things my nature would not let me do them. In order to keep myself surviving and not succumbing to inner disappointment I accepted my limited life. But now, after all these years ignoring what was in front of my face I have realized that I can push myself at my own pace. Slowly, I have been adding baby steps to my routine to push myself a bit more out of my comfortable zone. I am doing this alone, in part because it is a bit embarrassing to share with friends my small accomplishments, which to them are normal everyday activities, but also because I know that others will want to push me harder and faster. I want to keep myself calm and happy throughout this process. I also want to document each step of the way in case somewhere down the line I start to go backwards.