I want you to take a deep breath. I’d ask you to close your eyes, but that rather defeats the purpose of me writing all this, doesn’t it? Fill your lungs with as much as you can. Now hold it in. As long as you can, then let it all out. Now do it again. Again. Again. How do you feel, any better? Hmm, perhaps try it again. Once more? They aren’t real, just ignore them. Relax. It’s okay. They’re starting to settle, aren’t they? The others? All those little voices swirling around in a violent storm of uncertainty and fear trapped inside that complicated head of yours. It’s terrifying, isn’t it? Don’t worry, just breathe. In. Hold. Out. In. Hold. Out. In. Hold. Shit, it burns. No, don’t think about it. Hold it in. Keep going. Nothing else helps. The pills, meditation, exercise, nothing. They’re not gone yet. Don’t cry. Don’t let them know how bad it is. Don’t diminish their faith in you. They need you. Forget about the voices. Block it out. Please. Keep breathing. Keep—oh fuck it. No, stop breathing. It won’t help, they won’t leave. Remember? People like us don’t get to breathe. We get no respite from nightmarish world we see before us. This cold world. It’s not worth it anymore. Let go, let it all go. Drift away...NO! Keep breathing. Breathe, you coward. Why are you here? Why haven’t you stopped yet? That’s right, you can’t. Keep breathing. You’re not here to fall any further. Keep breathing. It burns, damn, I can’t keep it in. You’re okay, you’re not an addict. It’s helping you. It doesn’t control you. It doesn’t control you. It doesn’t control you. It doesn’t control you. It doesn’t—wait. Be quiet...you hear that? They’re only whispers now, aren’t they? You’re almost there. Keep going. Remember why you’re here. It will be okay. Fill your lungs one more time. Hold it in.
Was observation a gift or a curse, she wondered. All the minute details, encumbering her mind, were they useless, useful? She pondered. It is true, the small things often are transformed from her imagination, she thought. She wondered, what will create the larger transformation? Not those that resemble the brown paper that was cushioning the items shipped in a box that wraps an old floral foam which is held in by branches and a ribbon, no glue needed.
I stare at my ceiling wondering, waiting, hoping that today will be different. I used to have so much motivation and determination to do what I love. Now I wonder if I care about anything anymore. My dreams my passions, a plan for a career. What career will I even be allowed to have? These thoughts often antagonize me.
it's your chance to hold on to your power.Over the years, I wasted many hours of my life trying to defend myself from narcissistic people. Until, the day, I finally stopped it. Now, at the age of 27. A lot of therapy, change, and lessons learned. I have learned so much more about the phycology of myself, and others. I no longer feel the need to explain myself. My actions do. I hold myself accountable when I am in the wrong but I do not expect others to.
To all the doctors,
who work day and night to save lives in increasingly difficult conditions.
To all who spend days and weeks without being able to see their own families; who trade their homesickness for the safety of their families; who strive to reduce the suffering of others and ignore their own suffering.
Life. One four letter word that has so much value. We're always asked "What do you want to do with your life?" How do we even answer that question? It's loaded. We can have an elaborate plan for our so called life, but it'll never be perfect. Life is a winding path that has so many twists and turns it's almost sickening. We're told we need to figure out what we want todo with our life the moment we can comprehend how to form sentences. Why can't we live in the moment and actually enjoy our surroundings? Enjoy the moments we have on this Earth with the ones we love. Sure, we need to live and make money to do so, but we all work to live instead of living to do what we enjoy. How do we create this happiness for ourselves when we surround ourselves with hateful people. How do we change our ways of thinking to create eternal happiness? Life is often unfair. I that statement said because we haven't met our own expectations? Or because that's what we're told when we "fail?" Life can be beautiful, rewarding, ugly, the list is really infinite. So now I ask myslef "What do I want to do with my life?" I don't have an answer. All I can say is that I want to live and love with an open heart and soul. I want to love unconditionally. I want to have such a contagious spirit that people feel compelled to live the same way. I want my love to come from deep within that people ask themselves "how is she so loving and happy?" I want to share my soul with someone who won't drown it with their own unhappiness. I deserve to live and love with no fear or regrets. Why did I live so long in fear? Why did I let someone control how I should live and how I could react to my own emotioms? I'm done. I'm done letting my soul be treated like it doesn't matter. Like a bird in a cage knowing it'll never be free. I'm done saying sorry for how I feel or react to situations. I'm done crying myself to sleep because of someone who can't respect me. I would rather not be on this Earth than let another human being say my emotions are not valid. How did I lose myself? How did I let my confidence slip away because someone else needed that power over me? Why was I so kind? Why did I continue to give my all to someone who picked and chose when I could get love in return? Why? These words come with tears running down my face because I know I'm free. I'm free to be me. Free to live how I see fit. I'm done. I'm free.
As this year's Thanksgiving has ended, and we dive into the last month of the year, I've taken a look back at the year we've all had. Between a pandemic, an election, and a strong stance from movements that needed to be heard, we all know that a lot has happened. Yet we still have a little over a month left to endure.
It's hard to hear but trust this subject's a must and trust if I could have t any other way I would look the other way like everyone else, becuse it's easier to do than to touch on areas as sensitive as this.
She found herself to be curious about the most obscure encounters. It is not as if she had been waiting and lurking. It was just another chance encounter which sparked the interest in the workings of the mind of another. On this occasion, she was on her daily journey to her garbage receptacle. It is a large container that is shared by the eight units of the rental building where she resides. It sits in the alley along side two more containers that are identical except for the address that brands the container to the building across the alley, another eight-unit building but here they employ two containers. They are not free. It is a paid vendor service that the residential rental building pays. On the other side of this same alley are two private residence containers that are allocated to the homeowner. One is used for waste and the other to recycle. Neither container is as large as the ones assigned to the residential buildings. The city provides the containers and the city removes the waste. The residential containers that are assigned to the apartment buildings employ a service to pick up the waste and pay a fee. This sets the scene.
Previously, it took 8 months for affirmations to transform my self-hate into self-love. And then I realized, I’ve learned to stop pursuing love, romance, and men in less than 3 weeks. All thanks to a special technique where I mixed affirmations and rationalization.
So I have to start out by saying I am fortunate to live where I do right now because our place is secluded and has remained safe from the pandemic for the most part. With that said, I am going to jump right in and state that this Covid-19 life has been very trying.
It was 1994, I was 17 years old and I thought I had found my soulmate. Little did I know that when I fast forward my life 10 years up that I would have went through (and survived) everything that I did. As I look back, I realize now that I was thriving off of the attention I was getting from my "soulmate".