I was once in one of those retreats that are meant to be life changing but which can also leave you with a funny taste in your mouth when you realize you have just been put, yet again, in front of your limits.

An elderly neighbor lady once told me a story about a vandal-plagued fence. The fence was in a park in her neighborhood and her district as a city council member. Vandals would destroy part of the fence and she would work to have it rebuilt. The cycle of destruction and restoration repeated many times, leaving her frustrated and angry. How can people care so little about their community and why do some people find happiness in destructive behavior?

A Bit of Background:

My friend has just announced she is taking a sabbatical year to go to Asia and learn all about the art of being happy.

Recently a client told me of his heartbreak over a failed music career.

I wish I've never had to go through this process. But, hey! You don't get to choose everything you have to deal with in life. Yes, sometimes you get to "chose your battles"; but most of the times, you don't

We all want to be happy.

All my life I’ve been marked out as different from others, starting with my less than common name. In primary school I was the ‘weird’ kid, the ‘away with the fairies’ and does she ‘~still~ believe in Santa’ kid. As I begun to hit puberty I was quirky. I ‘wasn’t like other girls’, I was the loner for much of that time as well. I was once described as a question mark and the implications of what that means plagues me to this day, although for them it was an offhand remark. And as I begin to come into my own as an adult it springs up again, I have differing political beliefs, I live in a van, I’m continuing to not do the things that the people around me have been doing. But just as those who are painted to be ‘just like the rest’ are searching to be different, I am always hyperaware of the ways in which I am really just like everyone else. I choose to adhere to conventional beauty archetypes in the way I shape my brows, do my makeup and style my hair. I like to gossip about the mundane with my peers and I want to be a part of a community.

What brings you comfort? What have you leaned on the most over the years to still your restless soul? Was it a person? Possibly a place? A pet? Most likely you align with more than one. I certainly have people I look to for support when I’m needing to feel held, together, usually. Since, like you, I have multiple resources for ease, I’m going to touch on two that I’ve recently had to deal with the loss or altered reality of.

When it comes to existing as a multi talented human being, and not recognizing your niche, it can feel like the world is against you. I am a millennial that doesn’t see the “bigger picture” when it comes to working for the man. And I don’t believe I ever will, just from the way I was raised and the choices I made free-willingly about how I am going to live my life wholeheartedly. I don’t see money as this powerful tool that gets you farther in life, it is hard to do so when you know information about the value of your dollar bill. Money has grown to repulse me in this era due to the fact it can buy so much more than its intended purpose (i.e votes in a competition, audience for a growing business, etc). I crave the time when people were actually talented, and you didn’t need to have hefty pockets to be considered “talented” to make ends meet. When your neighbor would also side as a handyman, or you knew someone who was talented in technical writing, babysitting, mechanics – anything. Now in 2019, everything that is considered a service, talent, or skill needs to be an out-of-pocket expense. Inflation has caused a big riff between being a decent human being and affording to look like one. Status quo and external validation reeks in the air of surrounding starving artists as we can no longer be the visionaries we once imitated from long ago. Times have changed and technology has taken control over the vast majority of options available to do more. It would seem as if having the internet would be beneficial, but it seems when everything is put onto the internet, some of us who tend to have old-fashioned ways of doing things have to catch up with the ever-changing advances.

Sometimes in order to build yourself up you need to break yourself down. One might need to deconstruct, go back and gather themselves in the shatters of their primal state, where instincts feel like nature’s course and the bloodline of your soul is redirected to rediscovering itself... again.

Writer's note: I should be doing assignments right now, but I just needed to get everything off my chest hence I am here writing this. I am mentally exhausted and I just wish my brain could shut down for a moment. So yeah this will most probably be me ranting my thoughts.