"I wanted to cover up quarantine"

At the very beginning of this year I visited a local Mexican restaurant to celebrate two family members’ birthdays (including my own).

I am a napper. Ever since I had my daughter 11 years ago, I have appreciated the daily 15-minute power nap, if I am lucky to have the time for one, to recharge and get through the work day. To be honest, the need for a nap has gotten progressively worse the last few years, no idea why, but I am entertaining it. Before the quarantine, it was very easy to think or say out loud, “I want my bed”, in a complaining manner. And now, I have it, four-feet away from my make-shift office at home. I got my wish. What’s the problem now?

Dear World (Or whoever is out there reading or listening),

I’ve felt different for as long as I could remember. From a young age, I can remember having a lot of thoughts, ideas, very big feelings and an even bigger voice. I was passionate, persistent and fearless when it came to my self-expression.

Everyone stop what you’re doing. Just stop right now. Put it down, hang it up, have a seat and stop. Unless you’re driving then keep going and stop reading stories until you’re parked.

If you haven't already read the post that lead to this one, here it is...

It was December 2019, I was still unemployed, I was tired of receiving rejection letters or emails from employers, I crashed my car into a parking light pole and I was trying to keep my head above the water financially - my life was not exactly where I wanted it to be. I wanted 2019 to be over, I was tired of the negative things that were happening to me. I was looking for forward to the year of 2020 because I knew that was the year I was going to be turning 50. I spent New Year's Eve with a few friends, while everyone in the bar was celebrating the New Year, kissing their loved ones, or toasting champagne. I sat there and I contemplated on how I was looking forward to the next six months because that was when I would be turning 50.

And all of a sudden, he felt a tug on his oversized shirt. Below him stood a little girl with sparkling honey-brown eyes, and brown curly locks.

Peace, mercy and love are possibilities in a world that is becoming full of famine disease and unrest. When you wake up everyday and look at the beautiful sky and the abundance of greenery and flowers and have gratitude in your heart that you are still living. Each day is a new chance to be happy and in peace with the world. Take care of your loved ones and be kind and caring towards them. Live in the moment, and you will be happy and peaceful. Give every human their right, don't hurt others and you will be happy, content and peaceful. Another way to be happy and peaceful is to be merciful to the creatures in the world. When you help somebody you will find inner peace and happiness in your heart. Every day ask yourself what is love and how do I nourish and water the love in my life. Think of love as flower that needs constant watering in order to be present in your life. And when the love dies as all beautiful flowers die eventually think deeply how do I replant and rekindle this love that has died in my life. The way to re kindle the love is to plant seeds of peace care and mercy around yourself and around the people around you. Give gifts to your family members, eat together as a family, watch tv together, do fun outings together, laugh together. A family that eats together stays together. A time tested way to be happy and peaceful is by bringing peace and happiness not only to yourself and your family members but also to the poor and needy people in the world. Feed the poor, shelter the homeless, and speak kindly to all those you meet. Another way to be peaceful and happy is to have a clean heart and clean environment. Cleanse your heart from hate, anger and all forms of malice and this will plant seeds of peace and love in your life. Also keep a house and living environment that is physically clean from impurities and dirt. When you have a clean environment you will feel a sense of inner peace that will radiate a light for you to be peaceful. Being peaceful and content does not usually mean having lots of money and belongings, it could just mean being peaceful from within and content with what you already have. People think that if I accumulate wealth and children I will happy and peaceful. That is not always the case being happy means having gratitude with the things or people in your life even if it is little. Being happy and content with the wealth you have and the children you have and not always wanting more. Adorned for the people is the love of desires, such as women, and children, and piles upon piles of gold and silver, and branded horses, and livestock, and fields. These are the conveniences of the worldly life. No I am not denying the fact that the mentioned above things make mankind happy but its a temporary happiness, but if you show gratitude for these things they can and will contribute to a peaceful feeling of happiness.

I am constantly paralyzed with this fear that I am stuck. I am stuck where I am in life and there is no getting out. Any substantial change seems to come with this immeasurable amount of obstacles and difficulties. I don’t want to be in this town. I do not want to live here anymore, but I am stuck. I can’t decide where I want to go. I can’t decide what I want to do. I can’t decide who I want to be. No. I know who I want to be, it just seems impossible to become that person. I am anxious and indecisive and it’s taking a radical toll on my life. I’m wasting it. I’m wasting my time doing nothing and everything all at once. I want to save the oceans. I want to paint. I want to travel. I want to change the world. I want to lay in bed with my dogs all day and not move. I want to eat take out and watch movies. I want to nap in a hammock under the summer sun. I want to do it all. I want to do nothing at all.

It’s the start of a new school year, my last fall semester to be exact.