Cat Food and Coffee

This past Friday after work I had to make an emergency run to my grocery store. That morning I discovered I was running dangerously low on two very important home items: Cat food and Coffee. Thankfully we had enough to start out our day but I was definitely going to have to stop at the store before I got home. After an exhausting day at work I pushed myself to go to the store. I usually avoid going to the store and will either go early on the weekend or order so that it is delivered. But I knew I couldn’t wait until the weekend for the items and ordering only 2 things for delivery would be too expensive. After work, I went into my local grocery store, grabbed my two items and headed for the self-checkout. As I stood in line I couldn’t help but notice I was only holding two small items in my arms. The items were cat food and coffee. I don’t know why but the fact that it was cat food and coffee just made me smile. My life resumed on a shopping trip, just cat food and coffee.

I couldn’t help but realize that my living as a single woman with no kids has led me to this lifestyle. A lifestyle where an emergency is running low on coffee and cat food. I can’t say that I mind that this is my type of emergency. When I was much younger and at the age where everyone was starting to have babies I realized that not only did I not want it for me, I also realized I was not capable of taking the amount of pressure that comes along with raising a human being. As the years went on and I started working in the education system I realized that my destiny was to support and educate children and families rather than bringing up my own. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen grown men and women brought to tears with the pressure of raising their kids. Of course, when you’re a parent you will find the strength to push yourself and your kids to overcome obstacles. But for me it was a reminder that the strength needed to raise a child was something I felt I did not have.

At first my friends and family did not believe that I would be childless forever, especially because I love working with kids so much. When I was dating I was also very upfront with my partners about not wanting to have kids, which eventually made my dating pool very small. Now that I am older the pool has opened a bit because most of the men my age have either had kids already and are done or have also made the decision to not have kids. When I stop and look around in my life I realize that my lifestyle is a lifestyle that suits me. This is the lifestyle that I chose because it is as much as I can handle. My own little self, and my own little mind is enough to keep me anxious for no reason, so I cannot fathom more responsibility on top of that. Working and supporting families has been very rewarding and it has been enough to make me feel good about myself.

After I got home with my bag of emergency groceries I put them on the table and looked at my cat. I had successfully gotten our emergency shopping done and we were good to go for about another two weeks. The whole time I just kept thinking about how much effort it had taken for me to go shopping after work. The whole work day was spent being anxious to go shopping after work. I realize that this is all part of my mental health; my anxiety, my overthinking and on. I wish I could tell people, especially new people in my life, that the most I can handle in my life is cat food and coffee and have them understand precisely what I mean. But of course this is a hard concept to understand. For now, I realize I am living a lifestyle that I can handle and that is the most important thing to me.