The Art of Disappearing: A Guide to Starting Anew

I think I am addicted to the loneliness. it’s one of the strongest emotions that I have ever felt. Maybe it’s my destiny. Disappearing was something that I thought of often. The times that I have I do not feel alone. Running away made sense. I have no one here anymore. everyone who loved me has died. Staying here didn’t help anyone, So I left. I sometimes think that I left myself behind. I know it’s for the better.

I am feeling inherently sad. I need something to move on to. I have a bad feeling about this bad feeling. It’s a constant cycle of isolating myself because of my mental health and Me being lonely, which worsens my mental health. The truth is I was born partly empty. Being isolated was something that I was very good at. Did I think this would all be much easier than it turned out to be? I don’t know how much more I can take. It takes a lot of energy to be that angry all of the time. Did I think it was going to be easier than it turned out to be?

Everyone says they know better and maybe they are right. I really do not know what they are seeing in me. I didn’t think I’d grow up when I was little and now I’m an adult and I have no idea what I want to be or who I want to be. There are moments Where I wish I could turn back the clock and remove all of my sadness. I feel like I had left myself behind. I left for a good reason but I still have major guilt. My mother told me that I could be anything I wanted to be. I just wanted to live. I always knew that something was wrong with me. A hole that I needed to fill. I do not think it is filled yet or I will ever be whole.

I was the one to make it out. The one who always made the grades, while everyone else had to stay home. Everyone’s sweet they think I’m gonna go places. I still say that when I was away I had so much to hide. I don’t think I can do it. I’m back home and walking really slowly. I think of the days when this city was mine. Maybe it’s me but it all seemed like lifetimes ago. What do I say to the faces that I used to know? I’m coming back home. My old friends aren’t worried about me. They are all counting on me to succeed. I am the one who left. When I was in high school I would stay wide awake writing till my hands hurt. I was desperate to write and get out of there. So I wrote and saved every dollar. Most didn’t get the chance to. It’s hard to come back home. I’m scared to tell them that I’m coming back home with my eyes on the horizon. Just me and them on the Brooklyn bridge asking gee Nat, there was so much you could be. I smile at the nosey neighbors everything is fine. I smile and wave goodbye and pray to something I do not believe in. I care about what my old friends will think. I know that I will be Okay. I just think that I’m letting them down and I do not think that I will be able to handle that. Every day this act I act gets more and more absurd and all of my fears just sit inside waiting to be heard but I will not speak them into existence.