writing about adoption, mental health, and relationships.
When my boyfriend took his own life.
It's 4 AM and I can't sleep and I'm definitely not thinking of him. I'm wide awake it's 4:15 and I'm definitely not thinking of him. I'm totally not thinking that right now he'd be watching law and order and guessing all the endings wrong and I'd be thinking it's great that he wants to be a teacher and not a cop. It's so strange that I felt comfortable with someone so confusing. I should have known this wouldn't go the way I thought. I really didn't think he would do what he did. No one knows just how much I miss him, I really do.
I Am Gone
I finally got some color back. Jess thinks so too but she laughs like you. I wish being in love was enough. You wouldn't believe how everybody looked at me like I was someone I was supposed to be. Like I was someone that they knew. You wouldn't believe the stupid things these people care about but who am I to judge without a doubt? The one whose judging should be you. You always said you loved Nick. you said he was your favorite. Ever since we were 15 that was always what you'd say. You hated my choices of boyfriends and a lot of other things. Am I allowed to live my life? My footloose days of running fast and free. How can I enjoy my reckless young adult life when my family is always much crazier than me? When they tell you that they are sure this trick will save them, but they say that every time and every time they just get stranger. I know I heard those lies before, I see it in their eyes before when we sat at that pathetic dinner table. Knowing I would leave if only I were able. Can you blame me for taking that call and daring to run away?
You're On Your Own Kid
I think there's a time to come to new york and a time to leave. I was 17 and I didn't know where the time went. I felt the years but couldn't recall how the days were spent. I was 17 and never once thought I was living on promises I didn't have. I always assumed I'd pull through but sometimes you get caught. I was staring at the years I didn't have but I was still planning for them. I was trying to run but didn't understand why they locked the door. I knocked out a window now I'm lost in the street, and I'm bleeding. I knocked out a window and I ran.
I'm the Villian in his history.
If you would ask my father who ruined his life, His children would be his answer. I never understood how children can ruin a grown man's life. Almost 25 years later, he wants to come back to my life. I look at my father, knowing I never want to be like him. He looks at me thinking the same and his father looked at his father thinking the same. it's sickening to think about actually. I am terrified of becoming my father; sometimes it's easier to act as though I already am instead of fighting. I'm so tired of fighting.
Being in love with Someone who has an addiction
I knew he was using but I didn't know how bad it had gotten. I still see him in my dreams, but it was before it had gotten really bad. I don't want to remember him like that. When we first met he told me falling for him would ruin my life and I laughed. I know what he meant now but he didn't ruin my life. I think he saved it. I wish being in love was enough. I wish it counted for anything at all.
Grief Is Funny Like That
I never expected him to actually finish anything. He was always leaving. I always picture him with a suitcase in his hand. Sometimes I wonder what he would look like now. When I close my eyes I still see his smile and I swear I could smell him, Well him before the shooting. I dream of him sometimes and he's smiling and walking toward me and then I wake up. I wake up happy then reality sets in. For a long time, I wasn't able to talk about it. Even thinking about his death made me sick to my stomach. Sometimes thinking about it still makes me sick to my stomach almost nine years later. I thought that I would be less traumatized by it after all of these years but I'm not. I'm still that traumatized 17-year-old who just lost her best friend to gun violence. Things can change in a heartbeat. If we didn't walk down that street at that time he would still be here. I would still have my best friend here. But I can't change that. It took me years to stop blaming myself. Somedays I still blame myself or I blame God. Not the actual person who murdered him.
It's Not You, It Never Was.
My mother once said that as long as I was safe she didn’t care about the world, but then I started to care more about the world than being safe. Having a complicated relationship with your parents feels strange. All my mother had ever done was try to love me while not loving herself. My mother was not the person who raised me, my other mom did. It was always bio mom was the mother or her first name, and adopted mom was mom or mama. My mother tried her hardest to give me the best life possible and adoption was the answer.
My First Heartbreak
Letting go means realizing that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your history. We did love each other but we were also awful to each other. At the end of the day, I knew he was going to be there for me and I was going to be there for him. We were meant to be we just weren't meant to last. I never expected him to finish anything. He was always leaving. I still picture him with a suitcase in his hands. I always thought he would be the person who left, Not me. I didn't leave because I didn't love him. I left because he was killing me. I've gotten really good at not flinching whenever I hear his name.
Split In Half
My biological father had this darkness about him that I can’t explain. It was perfect because it allowed everyone to love him and hide the darkness they couldn’t see. I thought I could cancel out the darkness I inherited from my biological father. When there is rage in your bloodline, sometimes all you feel is anger. I think that some men just shouldn't be fathers. It’s hard to fully understand how much of a bad person he was. I thought I was destined to be like him and my biological mom for a while. I thought that it was written in my DNA.
A letter to my 8-year-old self.
Dear 8-year-old me, Everything is going to be okay. You do not have to be so angry all of the time. I'm not angry anymore, okay sometimes I am. I know that sometimes to get better we have to get angry but you don't have to be so mad. I know you are very upset about everything happening but don't blame mom. The anger you have is heavy it's okay to leave it alone for a little bit. Even on your worst days, it is going to be okay in the end. I know it feels like the world is going to end but it's not. Your entire life feels like running after something that keeps moving away into the distance. While you stay in the same place, I guess proximity counts for a lot right now. You will go through this many times. It becomes painfully lonely. You will feel this in your heart, slowly the pain will fade, and you will be left with a beautiful memory. Maybe our memory is all the home you get. You still long for a home that doesn't exist and it's sad, but it eventually feels better.
4 Lessons from my mother
Watching my mother do it all by herself by choice has taught me so many life lessons. My mother was a single mother by choice. She decided to adopt me all on her own and it was extremely hard. I wasn't an easy child. I have learned a lot from her. My mother has always taught me valuable life lessons. I always appreciated the wisdom she has brought me over the years. I look up to my mother for many reasons. Here are a few of the lessons that she has taught me over the past 24 years of my life.
How Going no Contact Changed my Life
He was the kind of man you did not want to cross. He did not see stumbling as a natural process. Someone had to be to blame when his child slipped up and fell. Being his niece was hard. I learned a lot from him. Most of it, I wish I didn't. He wasn’t an easy person to deal with. He was mean and a drunk but if you get past that something was there. Something I guess he thought didn’t show but I could see he was afraid. Of what, I am not sure.