When my boyfriend took his own life.

It's 4 AM and I can't sleep and I'm definitely not thinking of him. I'm wide awake it's 4:15 and I'm definitely not thinking of him. I'm totally not thinking that right now he'd be watching law and order and guessing all the endings wrong and I'd be thinking it's great that he wants to be a teacher and not a cop. It's so strange that I felt comfortable with someone so confusing. I should have known this wouldn't go the way I thought. I really didn't think he would do what he did. No one knows just how much I miss him, I really do.

It's five AM and I can't sleep and I'm totally not thinking of him. I close my eyes I count my sheep and I'm totally not thinking about him. I'm not thinking of his hair in the morning and that cowlick that wouldn't stay down and how his alarm clock was the theme from rocky and played for an hour while we lay in our bed. It's so strange that he was here and now he's not. How the years keep on passing and he is gone. I still wonder if he is happy where he is now. I still think in a hundred years I'd still wonder where he is.

It's 6 AM and I can't sleep and I'm totally not thinking of him. I find some clothes I brush my teeth. and I'm not thinking of him and how he ate lucky charms for like every meal after the surgery and how I told him he'd be a great dad but I'll never let him do the shopping. It's so strange to think that I need somebody. someone who fills the space he left so deep behind. it's so strange to leave a flower in his memory to say I miss him every year. It feels different when you lose someone like that. I was counting on forever now I'll never know. It felt like I was looking into the distance standing in the background all my friends telling me that he isn't coming home now. I still think it's just a dream.

For a long time, he was the only person who knew how to slow me down when I was struggling. I wish that I saw how much pain he was in. I'm glad that I made it out and I'm sorry that it all went down as it did. I have a lot of regrets about that. It's hard to know what he would say but I think he'd want me to live like the world on fire. Want me to love like hearts don't break. "never look down when you walk the wire" like he made it to 28 and still makes my birthday cakes. I think about that on both of our birthdays every single year.

So much has changed since he went away. Sometimes life will have you wishing that you had five more minutes. It's not over but his mom is crying in his room. The Medical examiner said everything by saying nothing at all. We kept smiling in hope that he would wake up. Take the first family photo that he wouldn't be in. I can't make the pain go away by pretending he was a villain. I guess that's the price I pay for 7 years of heaven. No one tells you what to do when a good man dies. When I first met him I knew it wasn't going to end well. I just didn't think it would end like this. I just wish he would have changed his mind.