The Acid Trip to Hell #4

PART 4 OF 6

Now I can hear Elia is on the phone to Jason (and still in the bathroom). I knock on the door and say I really need in. No response. I can literally hear that she just stopped talking because I knocked. I knock again. Harder. And harder. I’ve had enough of this game they are playing with me.

She comes to the door, opens it to say she'll just be a minute, before locking it and resuming her call. I go back to the kitchen to stop the kettle. I pour my tea and sit down at the small kitchen table. I try to send Theresa the video's though airplay but its not working. Of course its not working. And do you know why it’s not working? Because she was toggling her airdrop button on and off each time she thought I looked away. She is deliberately dropping the signal between our phones. Why???

How is any of this fucking normal?

Surely anyone in this situation would be wondering the same thing. Except its not anyone. It's me. And it seems anyone I try to talk to about how fucked up everything is around me just wants to deny my reality and tell me I got it all wrong. It's just your perception Kayleigh. I swear I'm going to hit the next person who says that to me.

Okay, we know that's not true. I don’t hit people. But I am sick of all of this bullshit. I want to SCREAM right now. None of this is normal. None of this is right. You don't treat people like this. Fuck, you don't even treat animals like this. This is not okay. I keep focussing on it all being over soon. Well, at least with Theresa. I'm sure life has plenty more like her lined up for me to endure.

What's the aim here? Is it like - let's see how much we can take the piss out of the soft hearted person? I tell her to stop pressing the airdrop button on and off which she denies doing (while clicking it again right in front of me). I firmly tell her to put her phone on the table and wait. And funnily enough? The videos send no problem.

Quelle surprise.

Elia finally comes out of the toilet as if on cue to my breaking point being reached. Looks like this chapter of the movie from hell is clearly over. I go in and I lock the door, breathing a massive sigh of relief and grateful for the privacy and to finally be able to relieve myself. I realise that I don't have a towel and I debate whether to risk asking for one. That might just delay my shower and solitude by another hour.

Thankfully I was wrong. I ask. I got one. I return to my privacy. I turn on the shower and my body melts as soon as the water hits it. I close my eyes and allow it to cascade over my face and hair. I imagine I stayed like this for around half an hour or so (although I had no real sense of time at this point).

Washing Theresas thick, tar like energy from my body felt like removing a 30kg backpack after a 12 mile uphill hike. When I eventually stopped the flow of water I looked in the mirror. The LSD documentary we had watched with Sting mentioned how freaky it can be to look in the mirror on acid so I was curious.

It was weird. We hadn't taken so much that I was seeing anything not there, rather, it was like I was able to see my face clearly for the first time in a long time, perhaps the past year? I looked with curiosity at my damaged hair. Hair that was once so long and beautiful. So luscious and shiny. Now it a mixture of wiry grey and brown hairs at the roots growing into desperately split and dry white-blonde length. I didn't even recognise this as my hair.

My lips were cracked and dry, as was the skin covering my face. Spots had plagued my face for as long as I could now remember. Never clearing. Just perpetual bad skin to mirror my perpetual inner nightmares. The wrinkles across my eyes told of an age far beyond my actual years. I see the scar running across my nose and recall of the glass that smashed it open when I was just 16.

The scars on my head are numerous. All reminders of a life that felt so distant right now. All of this past just felt like stories. Someone else's stories. Programs in my mind. I felt so detached from my body, my face, my skin, my life. Except… Except for my eyes. My eyes seem to tell the story of my soul. I realise that they are entire galaxies in their own right. I looked into the mirror, state deeply into my own eyes and I begin to whisper to myself;

I am not this body

I am not the mind

I am not my emotions

I am a spiritual being

And I choose

I can choose to be the light

Or the darkness

I can choose

I choose to live in the light

I choose to live in love

I choose to live in joy

I choose not to walk with fear

I do not need to carry the burdens of my past in my physical being

I am far removed from this person

But I am in this body

I need to nurture this body

I need to care for this body

I need to heal this body, and so the mind, and so the emotions

I choose to balance these so that I can live in peace

I choose to nurture this body

I choose to heal this body

I choose to forgive this body, mind, emotions,

I choose to forgive, because it was never at fault

It was born perfect

Turned imperfect as a reflection of a cruel and imperfect world

And now that I choose I can reflect back only the light

I can absorb the darkness and return it to the universe…far beyond

Or return it to the light to be absorbed.

Once light comes into darkness, the darkness dispels.

I choose not to reflect the darkness

I must reflect only light.

I must care for this body and the earth which houses it

I must nurture this body and the earth which feeds it

I must fill it with love, for it is love that all are reliant on to survive - the plants, the animals, all.

Without love, the energy of love, nothing can survive.
I must first love this body,

I must first nurture this body,

I must then love the earth,

I must nurture the earth,

In loving and nurturing the earth,

I am healing my body,

I am healing my mind,

I am bringing balance to the universe

There is no use to fight

To fight with others about ideas of ways of life or being.

There is no need for this.

For my purpose is to observe.

OBSERVE.

To choose what to reflect.

And I choose not to reflect the darkness.

I need no one other than myself.

I am whole. I am complete. I am love itself.

I choose to be silent when my enemies attack me.

For I understand their ignorance.

It is no different to blame others for their ignorance as it is for blaming an animal for theirs.

More love is what is needed.

Make tea. Not cigarettes. Please.

When the emotions are struggling,

when the mind is weakened,

when the body is tired,

SLEEP. WATER. EAT. SUNSHINE. AIR. EXERCISE. MEDITATE.

Nurture this body, be grateful for having it to live in,

Because with it you get to experience the feelings of joy, of LOVE.

I see so clearly that I have been living so unaware.

Feeling lost. Feeling lonely. Feeling incomplete.

I am none of these things.

I have been living with an imbalanced body, mind and emotions,

but I am not any of these things.

I am beyond the imbalance.

I am a perfect being in a world of imbalance.

I have been unconsciously reflecting this imbalance instead of radiating my own light into the world.

Why?

Fear.

I MUST CHOOSE to abandon FEAR.

That's the key.

That's the missing key.

I take a really deep breath and suddenly feel more aware and awake than I have ever felt. I hear Theresa shout goodbye to me and I return the gesture. All of her testing of me suddenly seems so insignificant. She is so insignificant. Just another demon character in this play trying to distract me from learning who I truly am.

Still, as I come back into my body somewhat, I feel immensely grateful she is leaving. I don't want to be around people like her and now that I have realised I get to choose - I choose not.

Elia and I talk for a while in the kitchen, both voicing intense relief for the lighter atmosphere now that Theresa had left.

[Then I stop writing because the night gets so intensely strange that I had to just sleep… I try to describe in part 5]