The Acid Trip to Hell #2

PART 2 OF 6

23-06-20

06:00

Woke up in Elia’s bed feeling confused and scared. I lay so still as I tried hard to remember where I was. It felt like the longest time before my brain remembered the train and coming to Elia’s place. I picked up my phone to see that Jason had messaged me at 4am saying the 365 DNI movie is in the top ten most watched on Netflix but also has been voted the worst movie of 2020. I messaged back to say it fits. He replied immediately saying good morning, I wish you a wonderful sunny day.

My mind immediately begins working on this. Why would he text me some random crap about some random movie 20 odd hours after ignoring my call? This is exactly the kind shit from him that I don’t understand. Has he only sent this to me because he knew we had been planning to take acid today? And he doesn’t want to be a reason for me having any bad feeling. Which means this isn’t about me at all.

This is about him trying to avoid any future guilt if something goes wrong today. If it was about me he would apologise for ignoring me or at the very least explain. Or react to the damn note I left him. Clearly he had no care to address either and thought he could ignore everything that actually mattered and instead placate me with some message that a teenage girl would accept . I didn't have energy to continue this train of thought so I just fell back asleep. I was hungry but I didn’t want to disturb Elia by getting up.

15:00

We walked to the town to meet Elia's friend Theresa (the same one that I met in Sri Lanka at that interrogation dinner in Mirissa). They walked a few metres away from me to talk as I sat in the town square for around an hour waiting on them. The sun was beating down on me and there was no shade around. I needed water but I was also desperate to pee so I couldn't drink more. I really didn't expect to be waiting so long. I honestly can’t understand how people can have such a lack of manners and awareness of others? I would have brought her over to introduce us ages ago. This seemed strange to me and just went on....and on....and on.

17:40

When they eventually came back I realised my menstrual cup had leaked and spilled onto my dress. Thankfully I was so mentally exhausted that there was just no room to even attempt feeling shame about this. I just threw my cardigan around my waist and explained to Elia I needed to go back to the flat to change, which I did. I had a quick shower, reset somewhat and then we walked to the river (to a different spot from yesterday).

18:30

Theresa met us there and instantly began bombarding me with questions. I tried to answer very openly, thinking that this should put her more at ease and help her to back the fuck off me. She asked about my time here and did I not want to travel more / see more of Germany? I said no and explained I had very little money and that I had only expected to only be in Europe for one week, not 3/4 months. The questions kept being fired at me and again I felt like I was being tested. It felt like I was the victim in some shitty Black Mirror episode about pushing people to breaking point. Well you know what? If that is what’s going on I’m not going to fucking break. Especially not because of this awful person.

In answer to something else she pushed me on, I was trying to explain how being placed into such a calm environment was surfacing just how broken I was. I told her of the stress I felt when I first arrived here and how I had many things to work through after the assaults I experienced in Sri Lanka. I truly, genuinely believed that if I opened up more it would soften her hostile and attacking demeanour. How very, very wrong I was. Her response was so abrupt and rude.

Literally this;

“Really?” she says with a false lightness and air of elaborated surprise. “What, you still weren’t over that??”.

Umm... no bitch, I still wasn’t over ‘that’. What the actual fuck was wrong with her?

You still weren’t over that?

Im sorry, I was unaware that I wasn’t keeping to some timeline of when I should be over it. Over it? OVER IT???

Who the fuck was she to say this to me? Has she ever in her fucking life experienced what I have? No, of course she fucking hasn’t.

How dare she try to shame me in such a disgusting way with her ignorant judgements of how quickly a person should ‘get over’ their trauma. How on earth could it be that this person had just qualified as a doctor and be so fucking ignorant?

I knew I was heavily triggered by her severe lack of empathy, her attempt to shame me and her absence of any attempt to actually understand in spite of her bombardment of questions. I tried hard to remind myself that her reaction was very much about her and not about me. Her cold, detached manner only conveyed a serious lack of comprehension for what I had been through. If she did have any frame of reference, she would never have responded this way. As a qualified doctor, however, I think it's pretty fucking important that she should learn a little more about trauma and PTSD.

As I write this now (slightly less triggered), I realise that I had an opportunity to educate her right then, but because I was stuck managing my overwhelming anger, I couldn’t. This is actually a good realisation for the future. Next time a situation arises with someone like this, I should educate them and turn the tables.

Rather than allowing them to to put me down or make me feel weak or stupid - I will call them out on their awful behaviour and enlighten them that it is in fact they who should be feeling this way. Not me. I’m so tired of processing shame that isn’t even mine to feel. What the fuck is wrong with these people?

19:10

We found a spot by the river and Elia laid out the blanket. I could feel that she was seriously apologetic for the harsh, abruptness of Theresa. It actually surprised me that she would even have a friend like this, but then I remembered Ali and realised it was a mirror. Ali and Theresa were extremely similar in their aggressive manner although it came out in different ways. Elia made eye contact and I could feel the support her heart was sending to me. She could clearly see what a bitch her ‘friend’ was being.

I remembered Jason having warned us to only ever do acid when the setting was absolutely right (location, company etc). Clearly Theresa was not the right company but I honestly couldn't imagine anything getting much worse. I felt the strongest need to escape my reality and right now this was the only drug that was on offer. So of course I took some. The smallest of amounts given that I had never tried it before and I was very cautious of it.

19:30

I left the two of them to go sit by the river alone. I felt I had stayed long enough to be polite (not that I understand why I felt the need to be polite given Theresa’s outright rudeness).

There was a small jetty made of what looked like old beer kegs, scrap metal and wood. It wasn't the most comfortable but I was able to be alone, out of sight of them and I could put my feet into the cool water. It was the first in a long, long time that I could recall feeling like I could breathe properly.

Without the glaring pressure that others brought my way, I felt instantly better. It's quite possible that all I've needed this whole time, is time alone. I feel like I'm being pushed to the brink of insanity by them all. Is that me or is that because I haven't been able to be me? Or is it exactly how it appears and they are all deliberately fucking with me? Taking it in turns to switch between pushing me and then playing nice?

Given how good I felt just being alone, it seemed to me that there was something wrong with them. Maybe that was what life was trying to teach me - to not be scared of being alone because being alone was better than being around the wrong people. People who suffocated me. Suppressed me. Told me not to share myself or to only show parts they were able to accept. I know deep down that none of that is love. It's why I feel uneasy when they all proclaim to love me, for I know that they don't. To love is to live in truth and none of them were doing that. Arguably I wasn’t either but I wasn't the one drawing the boundary lines. They were.

I wasn't sure if the acid was working as I didn't feel much change within me (other than the calm relief that nature had brought me). After an hour or two we took a little more and I returned to my spot. Elia seemed concerned that I was alone but I reassured her I was all good. And I really was. I was surrounded by greenery and this scene could easily have been Scotland.

The gentle chatter of the birds, the sound of trickling water as the river passed by me, the warm air freshened by the water; it was idyllic. Perhaps this sense of familiarity was also soothing to me right now. I took some photos on my phone and calmly watched as hot air balloons flew by the distance.

I took a few selfies and realised how old I look now. Even with the best filter I could find. Suffering had become so evident on my face over the past 6 months and it seemed that no smile could shift the sadness that had set in so very deeply. I smoked some and then Elia said they were thinking to slowly walk back.

20:55

I walked a good distance behind them. I have no desire to step back into that energy field as I was now feeling so light and happy being out of it. We stop at another section of river where they decided to go swimming. I was happy to join. We stripped down to our underwear and got in the river just as the sun was setting. The light was beautiful, the water was freezing and I couldn't stop smiling. It was like all of the weight had now been lifted from me. We had music playing and it felt so wonderful to be immersed in the river. I realised it was the first time I had been in nature water since leaving Sri Lanka.