The time before she danced on pills

7:00 am

Though already awake, her alarm still blares at 7 am; she had risen at 6, watching the minutes crawl by until it reached 7. She watched every single minute bypass. Till then she cuddles her fish plushy tight, she cuddles her plush toy like its her daughter. Something she feels she isn't.

After tenderly caring for her stuffed animal, she gets out of bed to begin her day of taking full responsibility for her family's actions and feeling misunderstood outside her world of isolation.

She walks past her parents. "I'm going to school now Mum, Dad."

Her parents ignore her, too absorbed in gazing deeply into each other's eyes. Her parents partake in period-sex rituals to sustain greater wealth in the next life they incarnate to. Her dad is an artist who loves painting his wife nude portraits. Just pure love between them. However, no actual pure lover in between or near their daughter. Her parents tend to act rather self-centered and only revolve their world around each other.

9:00 am

She makes her way to her first lesson. Not class, her first lesson where she rants about her feeling of unworthiness to the only person, she feels she can trust... the school counselor.

"How are you today?"- She pulls out her laptop.

She bites her nails. "I bit my pinky nail off."

"Come on!! Don't change the subject! How are you today!?"

She was a clever girl who knew how to gaslight and manipulate her way past a conversation she was not interested in. That's how she bypassed her day a lot, lying and making people believe something she wasn't even doing.

"Parents? How are they, dear?"

"Same as always."- She bit the other pinky nail off."

"Friends are good?"

"I bit my ring fingernail!"

"Friends?"- The counselor repeats herself.

"The usual."

Sometimes you have to ask her the same question for her to tell you the answer, but usually, her answer will never meet up with the next answer she will give you.

"Have you eaten anything today?"

"Yes."

"Eat something please."

"I just said I did."- She crosses her arms.

"I think I've learned from you that a positive yes, is a no in disguise."

11:00 am

She heads to her designated table with her friends in the cafeteria. Friends surprisingly. She talks to her friend Josh while she plays with her food with a plastic fork she refuses to put anywhere near her mouth.

"Come on, you have to eat something. I only say it because I care about you."- Josh points her tray with his fork.

She stares at Josh for a second. "Here". She looks at his plate of fries that have been messily placed on top. She neatens them up and makes them look comfortable and tidy. "There, now eat."

"What?"- He looks up at her.

"For me, everything I eat has to be neat. Otherwise, I don't eat."

"I'm sure your parents must be worried."

"Hmph." She sighs. "Let me show you how I do it." She grabs a knife.

She starts cutting her food in pieces. "You have to do a lot of talking, I'm pretty good at talking when it comes to my appetite. And then questions after."

She brings the food to her mouth before pausing and placing it down. "Do you have biology class next?"

"No."- He responds in interest.

She goes back to cutting her food even smaller. "Not biology? What do you have next then?"

She cuts him off before he can answer. "Change the subject." She cuts the pieces of food on her plate even smaller than before.

"Here you can have some of my chicken!"- She places some it on his plate.

"Hang on, you didn't quite finish-"

You're not quite sure are you, but I keep distracting you." - She knocks her fork on her head to symbolize her mind.

3:00 pm

As she walks home. There was this intrusive thought stopping her from making her home the first destination. She decides to get some alcohol first. The day had been long and stressful, and she was ready to unwind and feel loose. She heads to her local liquor store, walking through the door as the fluorescent open sign flickered in the dusk.

She made her way past rows of wine bottles to the spirits. She wanted something to loosen her. Her eyes scanned the options - vodka, whiskey, tequila gin- before setting on back to vodka.

"Hello. Just this."

"You're not 18? You can't buy alcohol."

"Oh...sorry, I forgot."- She says quietly.

"Hey. There is something you can do about it."

...

6:00 pm:

"I'm home."

Her parents don't care. All they care about is perfecting the artistry of the mother's nipples.

"You're home late."

"Do you care?"- She looks at her mum.

"No..."- Her letter fades as she looks back at her husband's eyes.

The baby beside her parents starts to cry.

"Did you feed him?"- She headed over to her baby brother.

No response.

"Fuck sake. I do everything in this fucking house. Who knows where you two rejected imbeciles would be if I wasn't here cleaning all your leftovers."

There was still no response.

"HELLO? DID YOU HEAR ME? Do you know that I'm here?!" - She gets in her parent's faces while rocking her brother in her arms.

There still wasn't a response.

"Fuck me." She rolled her eyes. "Oh wait, THE BOTTLE SHOP GUY ALREADY DID."- She threw the paint buckets on the ground.

As she stormed upstairs, a packet lying on the couch caught her eye, so she stopped to pick it up to double-check it was her father's proclaimed "knee pills." Her eyes quickly view the box, and without analysing the words on the box, she takes it with her upstairs. It was xanax.

11:00 pm

She lost her own wars. The war where it felt like the whole world was against her, even the troopers who tried to help her were like vampires in a mirror. They felt invisible to her.

11:00 pm sitting alone on a wooden bench outside where the view from up here is the immense city.

She cracks open the bottle. Popping a few pills of xanax before washing it all down with some vodka. She drinks a little more than she needs to wash the pills down.

She takes a moment to look at her surroundings. She stands up on the wooden bench she's sitting on. She lets the wind blow her hair in her face, she lets burdens interrupt her, she closes her eyes and the world fades.

She starts contemporary swaying her arms and spinning around with her feet stepping over the edge of the bench. She takes this time to appreciate her awareness. She danced recklessly on the bench, risking her life with her foot stepping on the edge of the bench.

All her freedom was letting loose. She created peace within herself for a minute. Until her foot slipped over the edge...

She slips. Hitting her head on the bench. Her consciousness quickly faded as soon as she hit the ground. The immense city below her body whispers through her soul. The birds still sang, yet no one had seen her fall and hit her head, it's not like anyone had given her attention before.

She lay there dead now. Not like anyone in her life cared so much, but she lost her battle. She couldn't wait without hope anymore.

I never told you her name in this story.

She didn't deserve a name...

At least... that's what her life looked like~

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Thank you so much for reading my story!!

This story summaries that anyone can be dealing with something that can always be hidden. Suicide can happen to anyone at any time!

There's also this conflict in my story between the statements of "No one had ever given her attention before" and "The only person she can trust....the school counselor.", to demonstrate how there's this secret postulation within her thoughts.