Sex and Porn Addiction - The Start of My Road to Recovery

Hello, my name is Paul Stewart and I suffer from sex and porn addiction. I am a sex and porn addict.

There, I got that out of the way.

Ripped the plaster off the seeping and festering wound.

I mean, many people will be aware of my issues because in all fairness it has permeated into so much of the writing work I have published on this platform. I have written countless poems on the subject, some journal-essay-type pieces and even when it's not certain stage it shadows or directs my writing on unrelated subjects too.

It felt good, though, to be honest and open about it. To not be clever and poetic and dance around the subject (that is fun too).

So, why have I taken the step of admitting to all 8 of you that are going to read this about this anti-climactic revelation?

Sobriety is not Recovery

I have been more-or-less clean for over a year now. I've not really been counting, but it's been as much as a year and probably more. That is, that I have not delved into the shame-induced pit of despair of an active porn-viewing addiction. That I have not journeyed onto some dodgy chatroom looking for my latest hit.

That's all well and good. Sobriety is important in recovery, as far as I can see, have read and can tell from a personal point of view.

But as my wife has pointed out to me...it is not proper recovery. It's not fixing the problem. It's ignoring it. Even if it is a deliberate type of ignoring, it’s still not a fixing it.

Using content blockers on my computer (overseen and enforced by my wife, which I am glad about) helps to prevent me from having even the chance to partake of my vice. Which is something that has been in place for quite sometime - but it doesn't fix the compulsive desire I have for it.

The Start of My Road to Recovery

So, on Sunday, I made my first steps in properly tackling the problem through an online therapy program, called Pivotal Recovery, devised by Dr Paula Hall, and restarted reading her book Understanding and Treating Sex and Pornography Addiction.

That is why I am sharing all this now.

This is when the real work begins.

I had looked into therapy and a specific counsellor that specialised in sex and porn addiction, among many other things, who I was interested in working with. Unfortunately not able to take me on as a client. He was working at full capacity and his waiting list was closed for the moment. Anyway, one of the recommendations he gave me was this course. As I had started her book a year or so ago, when I learned she was behind the course, I thought it would be worth a try.

The cost of the course is about the same as one session on some of the quotes I got when looking at actual therapists.

Really that is irrelevant as recovery is more important than money (but it is still a bugbear because sex and porn addiction treatment is generally not available in the UK through the NHS for free, while other addiction recovery problems are...anyway, I'm not going to grind that axe here, but it just makes it tougher for people to get the help they need, if they want it.)

I am still going to pursue more general therapy to tackle some of the other problems and issues I have and once I have completed this course may still get sessions with a therapist to treat sex and porn addiction, but for now, I am working on the problem head-on with this online course and doing what I can.

I am actually excited.

Being Fallible is Exciting and Freeing

It's taken me the best part of 20+ years to come to terms with the fact that I have a problem and that it has been bubbling away for all that time. It's then taken me some time to come to terms with the fact that I need to do more than just not doing it.

But I am excited and suddenly feel like I have direction and purpose.

I wish I had listened to my wife sooner and started this journey sooner. I am sorry I didn't but moving forward I am concentrating on just defeating it.

D.J. Reddall, who is a dab hand at all styles he writes, and I guarantee your day will always be better after reading one of his pieces, and I briefly discussed the joy of humility and learning you don't know something as a good thing. That's how I feel about this whole situation. I've struggled with humility in the past, but it can be incredibly freeing. Realising that you are fallible is actually a beautiful thing.

I can take off the arrogance that came with believing I wasn’t really an addict and that I didn’t have a problem. I can take of my haughty approach to my lifestyle choices and my personality and grow.

Anyone that bothers to read half of the poems and stories I publish will know I try to own my issues and failings and I am on a constant battle to be the best version of Paul I can be. I don’t shy away from them, and this is going one step further and facing off against them.

You Are Not Alone – Dissolving the Stigma of Addiction

So, another reason I wanted to write and publish this was because, as we all know, addiction is a very prevalent problem and given the stigma attached to addiction in general but things like sex and porn addiction, this is my attempt to dissolve that stigma in a vat of open-hearted honesty. Addiction is at its core a disease and should be given the same sympathy as any other disease.

I know it's not that simple, especially if you have been hurt directly or indirectly by an addict, but, as selfish and untrustworthy as addicts are, they are people who are in pain and suffering. Many are not at the stage to deal with the problem, and that's their choice, but there are many others who are constantly trying, constantly fighting. So, this is for all of those on a similar journey to my own, or maybe those who haven't even begun the journey.

You are not alone, never. Addiction is a very individual and personal experience, but even in the differences how it affects you and causes you sleepless nights and ruins your life, you are not alone.

Just remember that. And I applaud anyone that faces up to their problems and tries to recover from addiction. I am here rooting for you and hope you get there.

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Thanks for reading - Although I will not be doing regular updates on this journey, I have no doubt I will write about it more and what I learn about addiction, recovery and myself.

Here are a couple of links to things I've written on and around the subject before, if you care to read them!

There are more, but I'll leave that at your discretion if you want to explore. I've included links in the piece above the recovery programme I am on and the book I am reading.

Thanks again for reading!