Compassion is not Pity. Why it is Important in the Relationship with Us and those around Us

We often hear that showing compassion is recommended, but what exactly does it mean and how do we practice it? What is its role in our relationship with ourselves and what effect does it have on our relationships with those around us. Compassion, although it has mercy as its synonym in the dictionary, is far from it. This is why we need compassion, not pity.

The difference between compassion, empathy and mercy

How many of us do not shy away from the thought that we might provoke someone's pity. Mercy is a position of some superiority in relationships with others. It places us in a zone where certain troubles cannot happen to us, only to others. And this attitude, while part of a kind of magical thinking, telling us not only that we are special but also protected from harm, distances us emotionally from those facing difficult situations. In short, "it's up to them, not up to us". Mercy means "move on and don't worry, and so you can do nothing/more". And then, how should we wish to provoke another's pity?

The word compassion, if we look at it has its roots in the Latin language, translates as "to suffer with" or "to suffer together/alongside".

Empathy and compassion are similar, but there is one trait that sets them apart. Empathy means trying to understand another person's feelings, being able to put ourselves in their place, or even recognizing situations in our personal life where we felt similar. It is the awareness of our emotional life and those around us. In addition to empathy, compassion includes a response following it, namely the desire to be helpful, to contribute to the remedy or relief of another person's situation.

Compassion is rooted in the human kindness that helps us see others as human beings, like ourselves, who suffer. And it doesn't take much. It does not mean that we have to give up everything to work for the community, but it is enough to be attentive to those around us and available to them when needed, when needed.

How do I offer myself compassion?

Referring to the instructions we receive from flight attendants when traveling by plane, mothers with children, in an emergency, are advised to put on their own oxygen masks first and then on the children. We first make sure we are safe so we can take care of another. Similarly, when we give to those around us it is healthy to properly evaluate the resources we are giving with. If we neglect ourselves, we certainly have nothing to offer, no matter how much we want to. And what message are we sending by neglecting ourselves? You matter, don't I? Therefore, the first step to compassion is to learn to practice it with ourselves.

Let's take the example of the inner critic. How does it speak to us and how do we feel when it is active? Have we paid attention to our bodies when an emotion arises? How does he feel? Dr. Gabor Mate states that "when there is tension in the body, it requires our attention." The body speaks to us, and if we listen to it, chances are we will live a more fulfilling life than if we stay in our minds all the time. So, coming back, how about noticing the voice of the inner critic and how it makes us feel? Such as locating the tension, or any other sensation arising in the body, and giving it our attention. Let's focus on it while breathing deeply. I suggest this exercise to see how you feel afterwards. And if we focus on the sensation in the body and give it a voice, what would it ask of us?

"The first time I tried to pay attention to the sensations in my body I thought that I don't feel anything and that something is wrong. Basically, I was so disconnected from myself that I didn't even know how to sit with what I was physically feeling. In reality, I was going through an extremely difficult time with my terminally ill mother, and taking care of myself would have meant not taking care of her at all. And I couldn't afford that. Repeating the exercises with a therapist , I began to become aware of the rapid heartbeat, the pressure in the chest, the constant pain at the base of the spine and the weight on the shoulders. Basically, if I touched my shoulders I would scream in pain. And then I started to realize that I matter too. That I needed help, rest, deattention to my needs . From there, my journey to my own person began," says Anca, 48 years old, from Focsani.

Starting from Anca's story, what does the critic tell us in such a situation? Sometimes his voice may say "she needs you and you're selfish and whining", "you're healthy, she's struggling", "what kind of daughter are you?", "stop whining and do the right thing ”, and these are just a few examples (identified together with Anca). As soon as he turned his attention to her, she was overwhelmed with guilt .

Compassion sometimes starts with an exercise like this: "What would you say to your mother if the roles were reversed?" or "What would you say to your best friend in your situation?" or, if applicable, "What would you say to your daughter if she were you?". For Anca, the last question made sense, as she has a daughter. She allegedly told her daughter "I want you to take care of yourself and be well because I love you." Compassion begins with self-love.

How do I offer compassion to others?

Compassion begins with availability to the other person. First of all, it is necessary to cultivate active listening, which involves listening without criticism, presence, the desire to understand the story of the other, without contradicting and without making personal judgments. Basically, even if his situation is similar to yours, first see if a disclosure would be helpful to him. Sometimes this can normalize the situation of the other person, who will feel less alone. Other times, however, it can shift the focus from him to our story, disconnecting us from his needs.

Once we are actively listening, the help offered is always based on questions asked of the other person. We do not decide what would be appropriate or what it needs. We don't do things without making sure we're not helping "by force" or, again, from a position of superiority where we know what's best for the other person.

Moreover, even if we have been through similar situations, we can share what worked for us, but our choice may not be right for another. We are different, and if we want to be with someone authentically, we ask, "How can I be with you?" or "I want to support you and I'm here for you, it remains for you to tell me how I can be useful to you?". The exercises mentioned above are also valuable and can be put into practice.

5 levels of compassion

Dr. Gabor Mate, the founder of the therapeutic method called "compassionate inquiry", defines 5 levels of compassion. The first of them is the compassion we feel if we see a child or animal mistreated, and it is a compassion we all feel, if we are not completely disconnected from our emotions and those of others and remain impassive... In short, the reaction at this level is "someone is suffering and I wish they didn't have to go through this/ It hurts to see someone suffer".

At the second level, compassion also involves curiosity, that is, it is not enough to see someone suffering and feel sorry for that being, but to ask why he is suffering, what is happening to him. Dr. Mate exemplifies this level of compassion in relation to people with addictions, about whom those around rarely ask: "What suffering is there?". Instead of asking, most will make assumptions that the people in question have made the wrong choices or simply have this "disease". Compassionate curiosity asks the question, "What is happening in this man's life?" and "What is happening to this man to manifest these behaviors?".

The third level involves recognizing that there is nothing in another person that does not also exist in ourselves. If we look at ourselves compared to a homeless, addicted person, we would say that the differences are obvious, but still, we are talking about an empty self that seeks to fill the gaps with something from the outside. In their case, alcohol or substances. In the case of us, of others, in different ways, do we not do the same? Let's not forget that addictions to work, sports, shopping, even if they are considered positive or more easily overlooked, work based on the same mechanism.

The way we turn to one addiction or another is given by our life context, and not all of us were born and lived in the same circumstances. The differences between such addictions are obvious, but the mechanisms are similar. When we become workaholics, we wonder what effects this has on us and those around us, or how it affects our relationships? Not. As a rule, we want to be "understood" that it's our choice and we can't stop. Compassionate recognition occurs when we realize and accept that we are not so different from others.

The fourth level encompasses truth from compassion. You can think that you are showing compassion by wanting to protect others from suffering, pain. And if it is not so? Compassion means protecting them from unnecessary harm, from avoidable pain. But sometimes, the truth can be painful, so we tend to protect ourselves from it. It is the reason why we are "strong" in the suffering of grief, for example, because we do not accept the truth of loss. So sometimes it's healthier not to avoid questions that would cause pain when processing it will bring us closer to healing. Let's not forget that in life we ​​don't get over problems, we go through them.

A final level places possibility in compassion. Accordingly, when you see a person suffering, do you see only their suffering and the behavior generated by it, along with the defenses and reactions manifested, or do you see beyond them, the authentic self of that person, which is much more than that? None of us can see ourselves without the help of a mirror, and if we mirror only this aspect to a suffering person, we will not help them. How about mirroring his possibilities, not those of the future, but those of the present, coming from personal resources?

In conclusion, as a recommendation, if we want to be useful mirrors for those around us, let's not forget to take care of ourselves, because only then will we be able to reflect a "clean" image.

Compassion requires that we become more attentive first of all to ourselves, to seek to understand each other, to accept each other, to take care of the fulfillment of personal needs and then of others.

For this it is useful to learn to live more often in the present, practice compassion and observe our own thoughts more often. Let us not forget that what we call our mind exists not only within us, but also in the relational world, in our connections with others and with the environment. So let's train our focus of attention, become more aware and cultivate our compassion.