I am a very creative person. I love reading, writing, listening to music, watching movies and shows. Writing has always been a way for me to express my feelings and thoughts. I'm excited to write some of my stories here on Vocal.
To my longest and most toxic relationship, I've lost count now how many times I've broke up with you, only to take you back a few months later. Out of all the relationships I've been in through out my life, you've been the hardest one to let go. You have told me the most beautiful lies I have ever heard, and in the same breath have betrayed me in ways that nothing else has. You've made me addicted to the highs and lows of this relationship, I feel myself craving it sometimes.
As someone who has spent more of their life single than in a relationship I've just really been having some thoughts about the dating world, what it has become, and is there really any hope to fix it. I know that what works for one person might n0t work for someone else, but I wanted to share my thoughts on this incase anyone felt the same.
“You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.”- John Green Dear A, You've been apart of my life for over 20 years, mostly at a distance but there none the less. We were on our own paths but every now and then we'd bump into eachother, catch up and go about our day. I think because you were my first love, you always brought a since of comfort to me. You came to me in a very pivotal part of my life, a transition that I didn't even realize. We were so young, but the most beautiful part of that is I loved you fearlessly, purely, and of course for what we knew love to be back then.
Sober Super Bowl
What a nail bitting game!! I don't normally watch football, I am always there for the drinks and snacks. This year however I couldn't help but watch. My whole family is made up of 49er fans, so I was just here supporting my dad. I really thought they were going to win, but right at the last few seconds the Chiefs came in and stole the game! It almost felt like a movie. I am very proud of myself though, I stayed sober and just enjoyed myself. One of the best part is I will remember the whole day, instead of only the first part and waking up feeling horrible tomorrow.
I am so proud that I have made it 11 days no alcohol! Yesterday was so chaotic in my house I felt like I just couldn't catch a break. But I kept pushing through and keeping myself busy with little things. I finally made myself a therapy appoint, so that will be on the 19th of this month. I was actually on Instagram yesterday and an account I follow shared a website to search for therapist. I felt that it was meant to be so I went on there and searched for people in my city. The first person I saw on there caught my attention, and seemed perfect for my situation. She specializes in dealing with anxiety, depression, and past trauma so I am really hopeful that this will work out. I am going to be paying for it out of my own pocket which I know will be a little more pricey but I have to try something. I have tried going through my insurance which honestly was such a bad experience that I almost wrote off therapy all together. Then I tried better help, and I did actually find someone through them but she ended up leaving 4 months after I started. I feel blessed that I am even able to do things this way, as I know there are so many that can't. This is why I always want to share my story and let people know that if they ever need someone that I am here. I have sometimes felt so alone in life in general and throughout so many of life's journeys, and I don't want anyone to ever feel that way. Just know you're never alone.
I think dating in general has always been difficult for some, even before the rise of dating apps. But I do feel the introduction of them on top of social media has made it far worse. I haven't had the best luck in love, so needless to say when I do finally find someone it sends my anxious attachment into overdrive. I am so scared of being abandoned that the slightest change in someone's attitude will send me into the worst case scenario. Don't even get my started on texting, at this point I almost wish it didn't exist! It's my goal to begin working on this part of myself, so I can be better for myself and my relationships.
Reflecting and Healing
As I am writing this (kind of late as usual...but hey it's just about to be 11pm so I am making progress LOL) I am 9 days without alcohol. When I say I am feeling all the feels, I am feeling EVERYTHING. A YouTuber that I follow is actually quitting alcohol as well. She made a Instagram post today and a quote she used was "you have to feel to heal." I really love that, because it's so true. No matter if you drink, or do anything else a lot of times we are trying to numb our feelings because it's easier than feeling them. Today I was doing a lot of reflecting on when I started this journey truly for the first time 5 years ago. I began to realize so many things and why I was so unsuccessful staying sober.
One Week No Alcohol!
Well I did it! I made it 7 whole days and not one drink of alcohol, even with temptation in the house. I am very proud of myself, as a lot of times when other people drink I tend to as well. I tend to have a fear of missing out when it comes to things like that. I just wanted to let you know if you're on this journey no matter where you are, thinking about starting, I am here for you and I support you. We got this, and sometimes we have to take it one minute at a time when things feel too overwhelming.
Things feel different now
I first want to start by saying a huge THANK YOU to all of your support on my "Back to Square One" post! To everyone one that took the time to read it, read and comment, even subscribe to me, it means the world to me and you will never know how it's truly helping me. This also made top story and I am honestly speechless, I just couldn't be more grateful. Thank you everyone again from the bottom of my heart.
- Top Story - February 2024