My Love

“You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.”- John Green

Dear A,

You've been apart of my life for over 20 years, mostly at a distance but there none the less. We were on our own paths but every now and then we'd bump into eachother, catch up and go about our day. I think because you were my first love, you always brought a since of comfort to me. You came to me in a very pivotal part of my life, a transition that I didn't even realize. We were so young, but the most beautiful part of that is I loved you fearlessly, purely, and of course for what we knew love to be back then.

I always felt like like it was a double edge sword meeting you so young. On one hand we got to meet eachother before we ever had our hearts broken by another. At our young ages we both had experinced some traumas, yours vastly different than mine. We became eachothers escape, but as fast as life would bring us together, it would tear us apart. You lived a much more dangrous life than me, and the universe knew we would destroy our love and eachother. I didn't realize it than, but looking back now I am eternally grateful.

“It’s hard to meet the right one at the wrong time because no matter how sincere your intentions could be, the world will have its way of pulling our fates apart.”― Edison Dizon

While I am so happy after all these years, I am mad at the universe for pushing us back together as two completly broken messes. I know everything happens for a reason, but damn this is meesed up. I wish I would have let my guard down that night, to truly accept your apology. To have been able to be spontanious and have fun instead of being in my head. I was mad at the past of me and you. I was mourning the loss of someone that dragged me to hell and back so I kept thinking you were lying to me. I know there were a lot of great parts of that night, but like I've said a million times I got to drunk to remember a lot.

I wish that I would have stopped running from my feelings and just took a leap of faith. The truth and the iorny is, we make so much since now. The love I had for you never went away, I just buried it deep inside. Seeing you now I got to know some of the man you became over the years, but you still had the same witt and charm from all those years ago. We may be opposite in many things, but we are so a like in others. I wish I would have told you how proud I am of the man you became out of the cards you were dealt. You turned your entire life around, and made something of yourself.

"Two damaged people trying to heal each other is love."

I wish I would have told you how your smile lights up a room, and every time I see your smile it lights my way out of the darkness inside you head. To be able to tell you how contagious your laugh is, but how it quickly calmed the chaos in my mind. If I could go back to that night I would have hugged you tighter, held you longer, kissed you a little more. Had I known it would come this this I would have done it all different. Regardless I am glad this happened anyway, but it will never change the fact that I wish things were different.

I wish you could see yourself the way I do, and that you deserve more than what you're allowing. It breaks my heart to know just parts of what you went through, and know you deserve better. But you can't help who you love, and that I know all too well. I guess I should give myself the same advice, because I was still in love with someone too. Someone who broke me but somehow I still couldn't get over it. So it's why I ask the universe why bring us back together now? Maybe somethings aren't meant to be figured out right away. I know we needed eachother at the time it happened, I guess I just wish it didn't end so quickly.

“We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has only happened once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it.”― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

In my heart I know we'll cross paths again, I just don't know when that will be. It could be another 3 years, 3 months, or 3 days. Maybe if one of us put our ego aside it wouldn't be long at all. But the truth is I am scared, like I haven't been since we were teengers. No matter what I will always hold you in my heart, and I hope when we do cross paths again we are ready for it.

Always and Forever,

K.