An Open Letter To My Mentor
This is a letter to my mentor, the person who has changed my life, that has made me the person I am today. He has stood by my side through the long nights that I opened up to him, telling him what had happened in my life. He was the shoulder I could cry on also to be supported by the love and support that he had given me those nights. This is the story of how my life had gotten changed after a horrifying childhood that I would want no other child to go through.
The Whole Truth: Winter Sledding Incident
As I grow older, I am starting to realize that my mind doesn't always work quite the way I think it should. In fact, it often plays tricks on me. This is the first of a intended short series of articles to highlight some of the wisdom I am gaining when it comes to understanding myself.
For some, it’s hard to appreciate and at times see what’s in front of you. It isn’t because they’re blind, some just simply can’t see! I am not among that selection of people. I’ve been blessed with the ability to notice, see, smell and sometimes even feel what’s present. That ability extends itself to enable a future glance, (that’s what I like to call it)! Future Glance; the ability of using the data that is given to formulate an idea of what the future holds for that situation. Synonym; aware, vigilance. Sentence; The little girl acted out in such a manner, She gave me an instant future glance of where our relationship would fall.
Boyhood Bathroom Blues
Today has begun with the weirdest weather since my move to Florida. I get up early most days and always look out the window to try and get a quick view of what to expect and decide which tee shirt goes best with my cut-off jeans. I looked out this morning and could not see a thing. Visibility zero with the thickest fog I’ve ever seen. I could hear traffic 10 to 12 feet from our front porch but could not see headlights or those super bright school bus flashers.
The Night Goose
Obviously there's something about every feeling. But the rare one that a crisp dusk sometimes brings is definitely classifiable as one of the feelings that has something about it.
My Easy Baken Oven
So many things bothered me in my life especially being the daughter to a Murdered father. Was not easy growing up hated by everyone, it seemed like. Took me 38 years to find out why, upon the knowledge of my father’s murder I immediately decided to change my life and made changes geared towards a positive lifestyle. So many years of wanting to disappear for the first time ever.. I wanted to live! Was not easy but I am happy to report that in February, we will be celebrating one year of wellness! Congratulations!! I didn’t know I could do it but I knew last year I needed to make a change.. (look at the world) the last thing I want after living a traumatic life was to be like them. And now even more the importance of a positive lifestyle because I have children who did not ask to be born, it is an absolute must that I do not fail. This time around, I’ve go too much to lose.
For this blog, I will narrate my story and parallelly narrate philosophies. As I have been telling, mom likes to be in control (like psychopaths). She ended up yelling at me at the end of every conversation. She either demands ("why are you not exactly like Havisha") OR sadistically belittles me (brushing off my honest answers inhumanly).
The Day I Almost Burned Down the House
Once upon a time on a quiet Sunday afternoon, back in the olden days of the 1950's, when I was only 9 years old, my parents wanted to go across town to visit my aunt and uncle. That meant that I and my 2 year-old sister would have to go with them, because in 1957, as far as I knew, it was unheard of for a 9-year-old to be left home alone.
“You know he only got with you because your boobs are the biggest?” The cafeteria was always busy at first break on Monday’s, full of students discussing their exploits from the previous Saturday. The boys would lean against the wall between the benches with one hand in a pocket and another around a babe. Girls would sit on the tables with crossed legs, twirling ringlets of hair, occasionally switching their legs with lethargic pace towards the wall. The door to the kitchen glowed despite the crowding and the smell of buttery garlic hung in the air.
The Girl And The Barn Owls Secret
As the Winter came there was no other place to go other than the old barn house. So away the girl went to hide from the tension and stress of her home life. It was a very special and secret barn. It housed a very Beautiful Barn Owl. She often went there for peace and comfort before the Winter. But, now since the chilling weather she now called this her sanctuary, her home away from home, A place to be herself, A place no one could find her.
My adoption story
So, I wanted to make a part 2 to my first story. I thought I would touch on my adoption story a little bit. I was born in Brooklyn, New York to Sherilyn Weisberg and John Rizzo. (Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the people in the story.)
Questioning the answer I’ve given allot lately. This is my confessions. Sometimes I lie to myself and say I'm ok. Most of the time I lie to others when I say I'm ok. The truth is I’m not ok, sometimes I just want to scream until I pass out. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to say, I'm not ok. I am twenty-seven years old and I just found out it is ok, to not be ok. I am now more aware of mental health. For years things I have felt I could not speak on. Due to my past, I was doomed at the age of 6 l. By the time I was 13 I had 3 sexual abusers haunting not only my dreams but my everyday life. Having to live in the world alone because I couldn’t trust anyone my mindset matured and my childhood was left behind quickly. I’m ok. I have repeated to myself through the years with tears running wild like ocean water down my face. I eventually blocked out my trauma enough to fail myself again. I trusted someone who I thought was an older brother figure to me. He became my 4th sexual abuser and yet I still have to continue to be Ok and remain a functional mess. But I’m proud to say I’m a step closer to being better because I acknowledge it. I know now that all those times I was not ok but I do want to be better than ok and that starts with the truth. I told my mom and dad what happened to me on December 2, 2021. I’m proud of myself. I came so far when I thought I would get nowhere. Some would say I was cursed because I now I'm a lesbian. But I do NOT think my sexual preference is based on what happened to me. In fact, I believe my sexuality is a blessing because I don't think a male could give me the love that was stolen from me the very first time my innocence became someone's option. The woman I fell in love with gave me the will to live honestly now more than ever now that my secret is out. It has been 6 years and throughout everything, she sits here comforting me using my love language and I cringe at the physical touch of anyone but welcome her's I am enveloped in peace. Saying what happened to me out loud is something I didn't think I would survive to do. I have social anxiety and can only be around certain people as well as if I do have people in my presence it's a limited amount of time. Now that I brought you up to speed with a few things that are going on in my life can you understand why I am now buckling down on my mental health, working on being around a family who should now see through my unauthentic smile, but has only shown me reasons why dealing with this alone could still be better. Both routes I have chosen are extremely difficult if I survived endless torture from others and myself for 21 years I think I owe it to myself to Live in my truth. I don't understand others' thought processes when it comes to this topic in but I can say there is no handbook on how to survive. There is no time frame on when you can speak your truth. Since the day you were born it was always supposed to be on our time and when we were ready. If you read this please understand it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to feel how you feel and express yourself. It’s ok to still have hope and try again.