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My Waistband and Me

My body hasn't always been a temple. Sometimes it felt more like a trap.

By Raphael FontenellePublished about a month ago 3 min read
Top Story - April 2024
15
My Waistband and Me
Photo by i yunmai on Unsplash

Ever since I was little, I have never really liked my body. Well, when I was with other kids, I started to dislike myself. My body hadn’t bothered me until the other kids pointed out ‘flaws’. Stuff that they perceived as wrong.

Then I started to hate my own body.

But it wasn’t just them that pointed out the bad things about my body. My own Mom and her Ex-Husband did so too. Sometimes my younger brothers if they thought it was funny.

Mostly my Mom.

I am and was fat during my younger years. My Mom had started talking about how bad it was that I was fat. Looking at my gut with disgust. Or what my younger self perceived as disgust. As the little girl that I used to be didn’t know what else the look on Mommy’s face was. Why she would get so frustrated when we had to go up a size for me. Act so angry that I couldn’t wear clothes like the other little girls my age.

When she found out how much I weighed, she was even madder. To younger me, she seemed madder.

I began to despise food in any form, but I couldn’t stop myself from eating. Even if I had wanted to so many times. Thanks to me fearing that my Mom would be upset. Thinking that she would be upset with me. Doing whatever it was that Moms’ do when the oldest daughter doesn’t eat. Like making me see some doctor that I didn’t want to see.

Or yell at me for wasting food despite seemingly being upset that I ate at all.

It never made sense to my young mind why food was bad. Or why my Mom was mad when I ate it and mad when I hadn’t. All I knew is that I shouldn’t eat so much. Yet I was too scared to really stop eating in any form. That if I stopped eating it would disappoint Mom. After all, she spent so much money on the food she bought. If I didn’t eat it I was being a giant brat to my Mom.

I started despising food, despising the way that I looked in the mirror. Despising it so much that I just started drawing myself thinner. Looking like my prettier classmates instead.

Pretending that I wasn’t the fat, doughy, and ugly person that I thought I was.

I was on a lot of diets as a kid to change my weight. To look thinner and fit into the clothes that my Mom wanted me to. That I thought I wanted to. And I tried so hard to be as thin as Mom wanted me to be. To be as thin as I thought I needed to be. But I never really got thin. Sure, I lost some weight. Some to make my Mom happy with me for it.

Feeling like I was becoming pretty for once.

But that would never last. The diets would soon stop working for me. Then any medicine that Mom bought for me to lose weight wouldn’t work either. And I’d still be the fattest girl in class. Fatter than some of the boys too. I felt like I shouldn’t even live that I was so damn disgusting.

A few times I wished that I went to sleep and never woke up. It’s still something that I have trouble with as an adult. My weight and my passive suicide ideation. Along with my deep hatred of the body that I lived in my whole life.

Hating how I couldn’t ever get skinny like I had always wanted to.

But I’ve been trying to feel so much better about myself. Being a lot more positive about how I look and how much I weigh. Even if the negative thoughts I had about my body still creep in. I try to not let them have power over me. To ignore their annoying little voice as I continue with living my life. I think it’s going to take me a while. And I’m more than willing to continue trying.

Even if it feels like I’m Sisyphus most days. I won’t give up on myself for my own sake.

Childhood
15

About the Creator

Raphael Fontenelle

Horror movie fan trying to write decent horror.

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Comments (13)

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  • The Chinese Characters Stories4 days ago

    I feel the previous you, and I want to feel better like you. Thank you for sharing the story.

  • Rowan Finley 21 days ago

    Great job. It's interesting because a lot of people actually hate being skinny. Many people in society just are not happy with their bodies in general. Thank you for sharing this piece and for your vulnerability.

  • Andrea Corwin 24 days ago

    Oops forgot to say congratulations on TS 🤩

  • Andrea Corwin 24 days ago

    Oh that is sad that you were criticized so -I am going to say it was from love but it was not the right thing to do to you. Good luck on your journey. Remember that you are perfect right now.

  • Harbor Benassaabout a month ago

    It's such a sad dance, having our parents be critical of our weight but having no control over what is being fed to us. As an adult, I'm still left searching for the right way to feed my body. Other people's disdain is a thief, and I'm glad you're trying to grow through it.

  • angela hepworthabout a month ago

    It’s such a vulnerable journey. You’re so strong to stay on the pursuit of loving yourself and the body that has taken you through so much and given you so much - it deserves to be treated like the gift it is. Beautiful piece here!

  • Kodahabout a month ago

    I'm so sorry. Sending you lots of love and hugs💓, thanks for sharing this! 💓

  • Carol Townendabout a month ago

    My heart stands with you. I went through the same thing for a long time, and I battled a string of eating disorders because of it. I still have days when I hate my body, and you will too, but you will learn how to love your body and its flaws; it just takes time.

  • Babs Iversonabout a month ago

    Thank you for sharing!!! Hopefully, you will continue to try!!!❤️❤️💕

  • Kent Brindleyabout a month ago

    I’ve definitely been on this journey before; when it comes to my self image, I still haven’t outgrown it…

  • Nazli Canabout a month ago

    I went through the same path as you, it always happens like this, parents start, their relatives talk, then even your favorite sibling comments like this. It was very difficult until I realized the truth. I sincerely want to suggest something to you. meal.app is a mobile app that is a very good methodology of American eating disorder dietitians and psychiatrists, and so far it is free. give it a try, and don't think you are alone. I recently realized that every time I tried to be thin, I actually hated myself more. it was only when I gained weight and got my psychology right that I realized that happiness and love have nothing to do with my weight. good luck!

  • Kelsey Clareyabout a month ago

    Oof, I related to this too much. Glad you're doing better now!

  • Oneg In The Arcticabout a month ago

    This resonated a lot with me, and I'm sorry to hear you've had to deal with that abuse from your mother. I hope that we both can continue on the journey to self love and acceptance

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