I am a very creative person. I love reading, writing, listening to music, watching movies and shows. Writing has always been a way for me to express my feelings and thoughts. I'm excited to write some of my stories here on Vocal.
Back to December
What is that saying thats been going around? 2022 broke me, 2023 destroyed me, and 2024 is my comback? I think thats how it goes. 2022 was defiantly the year that broke me, and this year well yes it did destroy me badly. There have been good moments, moments I am so proud of. But for the most part this year has been experiencing pain I haven't in many years. I am proud of the fact that I was able to go on a week long trip alone, for the first time since 2018. It was a trip that I needed for so many reasons. I got to experience a full week alone, in a small town and state where no one knew me. I stayed in a cheap hotel right off the highway, and behind it was a quiet fishing pond that hardly anyone was using. I sat on the deck of that pond most of the days I was there, thinking and reflecting. Knowing I was originally supposed to be here with someone I considered to be the love of my life was a little gut wrenching. But I also felt empowered that I took the trip anyways, finally doing something for myself and not worry about what others thought.
21 years too Late
At some point in most of our lives we've been heartbroken by someone. That can be a parent, relative, sibling, friend, or romantic partner. Or all of the above. In many of these situations we never receive any type of closer. Leaving us to hold on to the pain, and find ways to bring ourselves closer without actually receiving it from the ones that hurt us. I am a master at burying feelings, so I never really deal with anything. That is probably why I didn't realize I needed this apology, but with so much happening in my life lately the universe just keeps throwing me curve balls. I feel it's all part of my healing journey honestly.
Less than Two Weeks
In one of my last entries I talked about a solo trip that I had planned for myself. It was all booked on a whim, but somehow out of all the times I've tried to book this trip this is the one time just about everything seemed to fall into place. Maybe that is why I am so scared, because I am always used to things not working out. That it feels weird for something to actually workout. I am worried about judgment, which I think is a big lesson for me in all of this. I aspire to be one of those people that truly lives life for themselves without any worry of what others think or if they are they only ones supporting themselves.
Girl in the Mirror
At some point in our lives we've come across a person that we love so much we'd do anything for them. You give your all to them emotionally, physically financially, all while losing ourselves in the process. We don't even realize it's happening, we'll start making excuses and staying for the small happy moments. Those moments are so rare at times, but when they come around it gives us that euphoric feeling that our brain has now become addicted too.
I don't really know what my next move will be, but I know whatever it is will be something big, something for me. My life in the last two months has went from one extreme to the next. I know it's the universe way of giving me the push I needed because I would have continued down the same road forever even if I was miserable. Now I am so far out of any comfort zone I've ever known that I am feeling trapped, backed into a corner.
The Summer of 2005
A Moment Suspended in Time Ah the summer of 2005, hard to believe that was 18 years ago, feels just like yesterday. That was the year I turned 18, the year I graduated high school. I remember feeling so full of life, hope, that any of my dreams could come true. I carried around this average blue spiral notebook that I bought from the grocery store next to my work since I had left my other journal at home one day. I've had many journals through out my life, but for some reason I still have memories all these years later of sitting in a booth on my breaks writing in this journal. While this isn't my technical first journal entry, it is the one I remember most vivid and is most impactful to me. I didn't know it then but this would be the summer that would ultimately change my life, and years later become an inspiration for not only a novel, but a book series. But I am getting a little a head of myself, let me take you back to the beginning.
Leaving my First Apartment
Change is enviable, but something I just don't do well with. In this economy it's almost impossible to stay living on your own, and I probably shouldn't have stayed as long as I did, but live and learn I guess. I was so proud that for the first time in my life I had something that I could call my own. Something that no one but myself could take away from me. For awhile living on my own was great. After awhile though my once proud accomplishment became a place of darkness and depression.
The After Series
I know what everyone must be thinking, how did a modern day love story change your life? Their are so many classic novels, self help books, and everything in-between. I've read many books in my life and there have been many that have changed me in different ways. This series however changed me in a way I never would have expected, and series I never knew I needed. To back track I actually heard about this series long before it was made into movies or available in book stores. It was back during the One Direction craze and a friend of mine had told me about this fan fiction on Wattpad based on Harry Styles. I tried reading it, but for whatever reason at the time I couldn't quite get into it.
A Letter to my Twin Flame
To the one I never saw coming, You came crashing in my life so unexpectedly at a time I needed someone most. It would turn out you needed me too, and without realizing it we began guiding each other out of a darkness we'd both been trapped in for so long. Before you I always believed in the spiritual world, tarot reading's etc. But I never looked into twin flames and the meaning behind it until you. From the moment I first seen you I knew there was something different about you, something so familiar I to this day can't explain it. It wasn't until we got to know each other I realized there was so much more to this connection than I could ever grasp.
Tomorrow is a New Day
I remember the first time I ever watched the Anne of Green Gable Series. Even as a little girl I related to Anne so much. She loved to read, she was a dreamer, and she just looked at the world from a different perspective much like myself. As I've grown older I have re-watched the series and have found that I relate to it even more as an adult. The above quote is probably one of my favorites from the books/series. Especially now with everything I am going through it reminds me that tomorrow is always a fresh start regardless of the mistakes today.
Losing my sight
It's okay to not be okay, even though it's hard to admit that you aren't. It's hard for me to look and admit just how long I truly have not been okay, and how it's destroyed not only me but so many people closest to me. As of lately my mental health seems to be continue to spiral out of control. Any good days I do have are followed by extremely bad ones, and often times me lashing out at those closest to me. As usual my drinking has gotten out of control, that's how I knew things were getting bad again. Alcohol is like a toxic relationship for me I know its not good for me but it always comes back around as if stating things will be different this time. But alas they are not, but I seem to fall for the feeling of temporary feeling numb and my racing thoughts to be shut off. Even though I know for the next at least 3 days I'll be feeling worse, and sending me further into a depression.
One year ago today April 11th 2022 I sat down at this very computer on this very website and wrote "Alcohol my Old Friend". I didn't know it then but only 4 days later my whole world was going to get turned upside down. It will go down in my history as the best, worst, craziest experience of my life. Even though there are memories I wish I could forget and times I wish this never happened, I know now it all happened for a reason. Everything was all divinely guided so I could meet him, and for him to catapult me into everything I've ever avoided. He made me face the person I fear most, myself.