Anxious Attachment

I think dating in general has always been difficult for some, even before the rise of dating apps. But I do feel the introduction of them on top of social media has made it far worse. I haven't had the best luck in love, so needless to say when I do finally find someone it sends my anxious attachment into overdrive. I am so scared of being abandoned that the slightest change in someone's attitude will send me into the worst case scenario. Don't even get my started on texting, at this point I almost wish it didn't exist! It's my goal to begin working on this part of myself, so I can be better for myself and my relationships.

What got me thinking about this was a message I got from a friend of mine last night on Instagram. I had replied to one of his stories and then he replied which I wasn't really expecting. One part of it had said that I am a good person and he missed that in his life. I wrote back letting him know that he could text me anytime. He viewed the message, liked it but never replied. I guess maybe in my head I had thought since he said what he did maybe he would continue the conversation or text. That always seems to be my problem though, I hold on to words and set expectations.

I really didn't know what attachment styles where until about a year ago and once I started looking into them a lot began to make since for me. I looked back at my last 2 relationships alone and sawjust how bad I was. I was constantly starting fights, noticing every little change, thinking that if I hadn't heard from they were leaving me. If they said they would call or text at a certain time and didn't it would up set me and send me into a spiral. My last relationship specifically it was really bad. Now that I know what is happening I want to make an effort to be better about things. I've been better about telling myself that even if someone doesn't text or call doesn't mean it has anything to do with me. They may be busy or going through something of their own. They will either get back to me and if they don't I want to be better about reaching out, and not feeling like I am bothering them. Also to realize that if someone stops talking to me, that's okay. May have nothing to do with me personally and even if it does they can't help how they feel. It doesn't make me a bad person.

I am just trying to find the line between are they going through something, busy, or do they just don't want to talk to me! When did it all become so complicated? I miss the days of just meeting someone out of nowhere and you fell in love and made it work through good times and bad. While worrying about cheating has always been there you didn't worry about them being on things like snapchat and dating apps. Sometimes I just sit and think it's easier to be single, but what is the fun in easy? Some of my greatest stories have come from just taking a risk, rather the choice was the smartest it was the best for me at the time. I used to ask myself why me when it came to my crazy dating life, but I am turning it around to why not?

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To hope is to risk despair. To try is to risk failure."