Reflecting and Healing

As I am writing this (kind of late as usual...but hey it's just about to be 11pm so I am making progress LOL) I am 9 days without alcohol. When I say I am feeling all the feels, I am feeling EVERYTHING. A YouTuber that I follow is actually quitting alcohol as well. She made a Instagram post today and a quote she used was "you have to feel to heal." I really love that, because it's so true. No matter if you drink, or do anything else a lot of times we are trying to numb our feelings because it's easier than feeling them. Today I was doing a lot of reflecting on when I started this journey truly for the first time 5 years ago. I began to realize so many things and why I was so unsuccessful staying sober.

I posted the video above to my Youtube Channel 7/9/2018, at that point I was celebrating 30 days sober. I honestly haven't watched this video in a few years, but even looking at even the thumbnail I want to go back and give younger me a hug. At this time in my life my drinking was extremely heavy and causing me a lot of anxiety. I was trying to stay afloat by getting back to the gym and things when I could, but nothing was working. I didn't want to admit to myself that I truly had a problem. That is the one thing I have done differently this time is i have admitted to myself that I do. At this time my whole life was turning upside down. I was having to move out of this apartment I shared with my friend, I was moving back up to my moms which I felt at the time was the end of the world, and I was leaving all of my friends. I managed to stay sober the two weeks that i was up at my moms but I ended up coming back to Sacramento because I found a place to stay. The day I got back here I went to my friends birthday party and of course alcohol was there. She asked if I would be okay, and I said yeah. I did end up drinking that night, and the cycle started over again.

I am realizing now, and wish I would have sooner that this early part of my success will hinder on the company I keep especially in the beginning of my journey. As well as me holding myself accountable. Where I am living now a few people drink, and one of those people is my dad. Me and him are like best friends but one of our biggest past times as I have gotten older is drinking together. He has cut back on his drinking so it's also helped me to not drink. I am actually thinking about going back up to my mom's soon and staying with her. This time around I don't see it as my world ending, I see it as me being able to heal my relationship with her. I look back now and see that all the times I have moved up with her were in my best interest but I kept running back to Sacramento because I was convinced it was better here. But over the last several years I was holding on to the past not realizing it hasn't been as great as I thought. I had been staying because of comfort which was only holding me back.

In the end what I see now is that in doing this for myself I have to set myself up for success. The harsh reality of that for me is having to step back from some people for a while until I truly heal and get myself right. Over the last almost six years I have cut out people that no longer fit in my life, friends and family alike. I tend to stay in relationships for way to long even when they are no longer serving me. As hard as it has been to let some of these people go I really do realize how some of those were really weighing me down. I want to normalize in a journey of sobriety, or even just a journey of self love, that sometimes you have to start over. That healing can be lonely sometimes, and it can be hard to look at the previous versions of yourself. I am trying to be kinder to myself and give love to the younger versions of me. Realizing I was doing the best I could with what I knew at the time.

Self love is something I have never given myself most of my life, but hardly at all while trying to get sober. I thought just quitting drinking would change all of my problems, but deciding to quit is just the beginning. There is no quick fix, and the only way out is through. This entry is all over the place I know, if you made it this far thank you! I will talk with you all tomorrow :)