One Week No Alcohol!

Well I did it! I made it 7 whole days and not one drink of alcohol, even with temptation in the house. I am very proud of myself, as a lot of times when other people drink I tend to as well. I tend to have a fear of missing out when it comes to things like that. I just wanted to let you know if you're on this journey no matter where you are, thinking about starting, I am here for you and I support you. We got this, and sometimes we have to take it one minute at a time when things feel too overwhelming.

I won't even come on here and make it seems like it's been all rainbows and butterflies though. Today has been really hard for me for some reason. Drinking hasn't been on my mind too much, but I am just feeling all the feelings today and it has crossed my mind once. I remind myself of all the reasons it's not worth it, and that it's only a temporary fix for a bigger problem. That is why I wanted to get on here and write because I just needed to vent and get these feelings to pass.

I have been heavily thinking about going to therapy again, I have tried going a few times and found it to be unsuccessful. I had finally found a therapist I actually got a long well with and trusted but they ended up leaving about 4 months after I started. After that I was just so exhausted trying to find another one. I had already been to a few through my insurance and I didn't feel like they were helping me in the way that I needed. So while I know that it's something that will greatly help me, I just need to have a solid place to start looking.

I just feel overwhelmed for some reason today, just with emotions. I think due to already dealing with depression and then heavily drinking most days of the week that has made my depression worse. It's moments like these that I am always tempted to drink because I don't want to feel this way, but I am going to do my best to stay strong and get through. Then I will get mad at myself because I've been here so many times, and I don't like that I keep putting myself back in this spot. It's like being in that spot of wanting something better for yourself but never quite finding enough will power to stick to it. That's why I am hoping by journaling and sharing my story will help keep me on track, and so far it has. It's set up a little routine for me, and given me something to look forward to at the end of each day. I am also hoping at least once or twice this week to go on a walk, even if it's just a small one. Another small goal to accomplish, and something I know will make me feel better.

I know that no matter what there will always be up and downs in life, but I really can't wait to get back to being happy in life on most days. To not dread each day I wake up and feeling so dark and heavy. I want to be able to manage my depression and anxiety (especially my health anxiety) so it's not at the forefront of my mind anymore. I am truly just exhausted in EVERY since of the word. I think in all the other times I have attempted to quit drinking I didn't feel this tired. I wasn't ready to truly face and accept all of my past, and do the work to be able to healthily deal with trauma. The thing about healing is its MESSY! You have you're good days, and then bam out of nowhere everything hits you all at once. It's not easy but I want to heal for myself and also my friends and family. As well as for whomever i meet next in life.

One of my favorite quotes that I find to be so true is "If you don't heal from what hurt you, you'll bleed on people that didn't cut you." All I have been doing, for decades now is bleeding on so many people that never hurt me. In my romantic relationships, friendships, even relationships at work. It's not anything I can take back now but I am ready to heal so this is no longer something that I do.

I'll end todays entry with on last favorite quote of mine from a series I watched growing up called Anne of Green Gables "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet." A reminder that no matter what the short coming of today was, and no matter how bad it feels tomorrow is a new day and hopefully it will be a better day than yesterday. Talk you all tomorrow everyone!