Things feel different now

I first want to start by saying a huge THANK YOU to all of your support on my "Back to Square One" post! To everyone one that took the time to read it, read and comment, even subscribe to me, it means the world to me and you will never know how it's truly helping me. This also made top story and I am honestly speechless, I just couldn't be more grateful. Thank you everyone again from the bottom of my heart.

If you're coming across this post and haven't read "Back to Square One" I am opening up about my struggles with alcohol and sharing my journey as I start over on my journey to sobriety. This has been something I've struggled with off and on for many years. Each set back has taught me a lesson I didn't learn the first time around, but I truly feel in my heart that this time around feels different. One finally admitting to myself that I do have a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol and while I am not an alcoholic I know I have alcoholic tendencies which will lead me there. That is what I want to talk about tonight, the misconception of having a problem with alcohol.

Right after I decided to start on this journey again, it was like so many things began popping up on my social media. A girl I follow on Instagram actually posted a video about the dangers of alcohol and reminded me all the horrible withdrawal symptoms that can happen with heavy alcohol dependancy. Part of her caption she said something about going out to have one drink with friends is fine and it opened up for a lot of discussion in her comment section and it honestly got my thoughts racing on how I feel on the subject and made me realize why part of this journey has been so hard for me.

Through out my journey I have opened up with my struggles to friends and family. While they would support me no matter what, sometimes they would comment that they didn't think I had an issue with it. I guess because I wasn't physically dependent on alcohol yet or I wasn't waking up and drinking that it just couldn't be a problem. This perception has always caused such a war in my head. I would think oh maybe they are right I don't have a problem. As a society we are told this, until you're doing xyz it can't be a problem so just continue on drinking. It's just simply a lie, and I am finally admitting that to myself. From my first drink I was never a "casual drinker." I turn to alcohol for everything, and come up with every excuse in the world to drink no matter the occasion. One time when I first traveled alone everything went wrong, the moment I arrived at my destination there was a beer waiting for me. It was 10 in the morning. I proceeded to drink all that day, and to combat hangovers I drank the duration of that trip. That was over 10 years ago now. Even back the subconsciously I knew this wasn't normal, but I was surrounded by people I grew up with that always did this so I just ignored my feelings thinking I was dramatic. Looking back now, I can name so many similar situations like this.

In the image above I have every red flag other than feeling uncomfortable when someone doesn't drink. Drinking to soothe difficult emotions or stress being at the top of my red flag list. I new I had some signs, but to see it written out in black and white and I have just about all of them is such a huge reality check but one I needed. This time around I don't feel shame in admitting that this is a problem, and no one else should either. Everyone is fighting a battle that we know nothing about, and this happens to be mine. But as with everything in life, this too shall pass and better days are ahead.

I want to end off when one last thing that really got me. I follow a sobriety account on instagram and they posted a journal that had the quote "one day at a time" on the cover. I commented saying that this is what I tell myself as I am going through this. They replied to my comment and gave me another quote to use and I really liked it. The quote is "as long as I don't drink today that is a win." I believe that to be so true. I am currently 6 full days into this and each day I feel so proud. Have a wonderful day everyone, I'll be back tomorrow!