Back to Square One

"I drink because I don't like

Where my mind is at

It's dark and

I keep looking but I cannot seem to find the spark and

The piece of you inside my heart's one I'm not down to part with

So I sit inside my car outside of your apartment

Or stay at home and drink alone while sitting in the darkness

Want to crash my car but I do not know where I parked it

I'm a walking tragedy but promise you, I'm harmless

But how could someone love me if I'm heartless?"-Without You by Phix

Tonight as I sit and write this, it's 11:51 P.M on February 1st 2024.My parents house is so quiet tonight, and it just started raining. Writing and listening to the rain are two of my favorite things. I think the best part of me starting on this day is it marks the start of my birthday month.I spent the last few birthdays either so drunk I don't remember, or staying sober but going through something that makes me want to drink. As I sit on my parents couch, a place I rarely leave these days, I just know I HAVE to make a change. When they say alcohol is a demon they aren't wrong. I feel like a I sold my soul to a crossroads demon from Supernatural and they have come back 10 years to take my soul.

Before I get any further into this I wanted to think a follower of mine Denise E Lindquist she commented on one of my posts about trying to get sober and she had hoped I still was and she shared the first year being the toughest part. She has been sober for sometime now and I am so happy that our paths crossed because she's a true inspiration. So Denise if you read this, thank you for your comment and checking in on me it means the world.

So as of right this minute I took my last drink on Monday, January 29, 2024. This marks I don't know at least my fourth sober date, but I know that is better than any other alternative. It's the same old song and dance, I start steadily drinking for weeks or months and then on one night like Monday where I get drunk quickly, blackout and wake up drunk the next day. My biggest hurdle is living with people that do drink, and setting a boundary when they ask if I want to drink. Which I am proud to report tonight I did just that when my sister asked me if I wanted her to get me any drinks from the store. That is a small victory for me! As anyone knows once a super bad hangover wears off you tend to forget how awful it was, and say what the heck why not?!

I wanted to start writing sooner into my sobriety journey this time as a personal journal for me, something to look back on when times get tough and when I make accomplishments so I can see how far I have come. I also am in hopes that I can inspire even just one person, make them feel less alone if they are going through this. Or even better, too deter people from drinking all together. Our whole lives we've been lied to that alcohol isn't a drug like others out there, and in my opinion it ends up being pretty dangerous considering even just withdrawing from it can kill you. The crazy thing is I know all these things yet somehow my brain still will convince me that I'll be okay.

The last time I drank it was such a mess, I ended up sitting up crying at midnight to my sister. I don't remember all of the conversation but I do know it was about an ex and just a bunch of other things I would have preferred to keep to myself. I don't always get that way, most of the time I would be considered a happy drunk. "Happy" for the moment anyway.

The last few days I've really just sat with myself, and thought about where my life is, where it's going and all that drinking just about every night is taking away from me. I am turning 37 this month, and I think about all the things I should be doing other than this. In the last two years I've lost pretty much everything. I find myself now with all my stuff in storage, sleeping on my parents couch, not knowing what my next move should be. But because I've always dealt with my problems, not deal run from my problems, is too drink. In my mind I just feel lost without a purpose and the only thing that temporally stops that feeling, is too numb the pain.

Reflecting back on most of my life, alcohol has blurred so much of it for me. All the times I thought I was having so much fun with friends most of the time I wouldn't remember much unless it was filmed or we had pictures. Even as of recently when I met up with my high-school sweetheart, I was so nervous that I drank and drank and drank. I remember parts of the night, which I am thankful for but because we hadn't seen each other in 20+ years I wished I remembered more. When he was cleaning up the beer bottles the next morning I was shocked, I had even out drank him. I used to wear things like that as a badge of honor. Like it was so cool that you can out drink someone, especially a guy. In fact in reality that isn't a good thing at all, but like with most things drinking related its glorified.

It is in my hope of doing these entries it will help keep my mind focused on something positive, and feel like I am finding my purpose again. I promise to those who are subscribed to me that I will be writing about other things as well. I did a book review the other day and I am already on my 3rd book of the year! But for those of you that are going to follow me on this journey I appreciate it. Thank you for always letting me just ramble on here, it means the world! Talk to you all tomorrow :)