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Back to Square One

I began Vocal talking about trying to get sober, I’ve found myself starting over. This time I want to take those who want to read on this journey from the beginning.

By Kimmiekins4Published 3 months ago 5 min read
Top Story - February 2024
30
Back to Square One
Photo by Mae Mu on Unsplash

"I drink because I don't like

Where my mind is at

It's dark and

I keep looking but I cannot seem to find the spark and

The piece of you inside my heart's one I'm not down to part with

So I sit inside my car outside of your apartment

Or stay at home and drink alone while sitting in the darkness

Want to crash my car but I do not know where I parked it

I'm a walking tragedy but promise you, I'm harmless

But how could someone love me if I'm heartless?"-Without You by Phix

Tonight as I sit and write this, it's 11:51 P.M on February 1st 2024.My parents house is so quiet tonight, and it just started raining. Writing and listening to the rain are two of my favorite things. I think the best part of me starting on this day is it marks the start of my birthday month.I spent the last few birthdays either so drunk I don't remember, or staying sober but going through something that makes me want to drink. As I sit on my parents couch, a place I rarely leave these days, I just know I HAVE to make a change. When they say alcohol is a demon they aren't wrong. I feel like a I sold my soul to a crossroads demon from Supernatural and they have come back 10 years to take my soul.

Before I get any further into this I wanted to think a follower of mine Denise E Lindquist she commented on one of my posts about trying to get sober and she had hoped I still was and she shared the first year being the toughest part. She has been sober for sometime now and I am so happy that our paths crossed because she's a true inspiration. So Denise if you read this, thank you for your comment and checking in on me it means the world.

So as of right this minute I took my last drink on Monday, January 29, 2024. This marks I don't know at least my fourth sober date, but I know that is better than any other alternative. It's the same old song and dance, I start steadily drinking for weeks or months and then on one night like Monday where I get drunk quickly, blackout and wake up drunk the next day. My biggest hurdle is living with people that do drink, and setting a boundary when they ask if I want to drink. Which I am proud to report tonight I did just that when my sister asked me if I wanted her to get me any drinks from the store. That is a small victory for me! As anyone knows once a super bad hangover wears off you tend to forget how awful it was, and say what the heck why not?!

I wanted to start writing sooner into my sobriety journey this time as a personal journal for me, something to look back on when times get tough and when I make accomplishments so I can see how far I have come. I also am in hopes that I can inspire even just one person, make them feel less alone if they are going through this. Or even better, too deter people from drinking all together. Our whole lives we've been lied to that alcohol isn't a drug like others out there, and in my opinion it ends up being pretty dangerous considering even just withdrawing from it can kill you. The crazy thing is I know all these things yet somehow my brain still will convince me that I'll be okay.

The last time I drank it was such a mess, I ended up sitting up crying at midnight to my sister. I don't remember all of the conversation but I do know it was about an ex and just a bunch of other things I would have preferred to keep to myself. I don't always get that way, most of the time I would be considered a happy drunk. "Happy" for the moment anyway.

The last few days I've really just sat with myself, and thought about where my life is, where it's going and all that drinking just about every night is taking away from me. I am turning 37 this month, and I think about all the things I should be doing other than this. In the last two years I've lost pretty much everything. I find myself now with all my stuff in storage, sleeping on my parents couch, not knowing what my next move should be. But because I've always dealt with my problems, not deal run from my problems, is too drink. In my mind I just feel lost without a purpose and the only thing that temporally stops that feeling, is too numb the pain.

By Thanos Pal on Unsplash

Reflecting back on most of my life, alcohol has blurred so much of it for me. All the times I thought I was having so much fun with friends most of the time I wouldn't remember much unless it was filmed or we had pictures. Even as of recently when I met up with my high-school sweetheart, I was so nervous that I drank and drank and drank. I remember parts of the night, which I am thankful for but because we hadn't seen each other in 20+ years I wished I remembered more. When he was cleaning up the beer bottles the next morning I was shocked, I had even out drank him. I used to wear things like that as a badge of honor. Like it was so cool that you can out drink someone, especially a guy. In fact in reality that isn't a good thing at all, but like with most things drinking related its glorified.

It is in my hope of doing these entries it will help keep my mind focused on something positive, and feel like I am finding my purpose again. I promise to those who are subscribed to me that I will be writing about other things as well. I did a book review the other day and I am already on my 3rd book of the year! But for those of you that are going to follow me on this journey I appreciate it. Thank you for always letting me just ramble on here, it means the world! Talk to you all tomorrow :)

Teenage yearsSecretsChildhoodBad habits
30

About the Creator

Kimmiekins4

I am a very creative person. I love reading, writing, listening to music, watching movies and shows. Writing has always been a way for me to express my feelings and thoughts. I'm excited to write some of my stories here on Vocal.

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Comments (19)

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  • Anna 2 months ago

    Congrats on Top Story!🥳

  • ROCK 2 months ago

    I appreciate your sharing your struggles and triumphs. I have an ex who lost everything due to his alcoholism. He had so much support, quote the opposite of how your situation sounds. Interventions, rehabilitation centers, children to be sober for and a career. He lost it all and is homeless now. Nothing worth doing is easy. I think our birthdays are a day apart. Mine is the 28th of January. Best to you. Keep up with your writing 😉

  • Sahib ali2 months ago

    😍🫠

  • Warenca2 months ago

    Thank you for sharing your story, Thanos. It's incredibly brave and inspiring to be so open about your struggles with alcohol. Your journey resonates with me, and I appreciate your reminder that we're not alone in this. I especially loved how you mentioned finding purpose through writing and community. Wishing you all the best on your continued sobriety journey. Keep inspiring us!

  • The Dani Writer2 months ago

    So pleased for you, hunnybunny! Sending extra riddims for you to keep your resolve and win! Well done Top Story-an!

  • River Joy3 months ago

    Thank you for this. For being so honest. Thank you.

  • Test3 months ago

    Well done! Keep pushing forward with your excellent work—congrats!

  • Rachel Deeming3 months ago

    The honesty of this hit me so hard. A real confessional. You're taking the first step. That's admirable because it's going forward, away from where you've been. You've just got to take another step, and another and then the past will be distant. Write about it all. Use this as your outlet. Get support from us here because we're all rooting for you. Truly. I want to know how you're getting on too and I'm going to subscribe so I can keep up and offer you a helping hand. Vocal is a community and communities are made up of people who can help. Good for you.

  • Frankie Martinelli3 months ago

    This is so fiercely relatable. I applaud you for your strength and honesty, sending all the love in the world to you, on your journey ❤️

  • Chi Hiệp3 months ago

    Chéo không

  • sleepy drafts3 months ago

    Thank you for sharing this journey, and congratulations on your accomplishment so far. 💗 I can't imagine how difficult it must be, but you've got this, and I believe in you from the bottom of my heart. Sending so much love and support your way. 💓 Thank you for writing this and congratulations on Top Story! 💕

  • Manisha Dhalani3 months ago

    Sending you strength! Take care.

  • Gabriel Huizenga3 months ago

    Thank you for sharing your journey- your vulnerability, honesty, and hope are all powerful and eloquently shared here- I believe they come from a deep, thoughtful soul.

  • Marysol Ramos3 months ago

    I honestly can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m proud of you. And I’m grateful for you for sharing and giving us the opportunity to follow your journey. Through the good and the bad, I’m sure many of us would love to show our support. I hope you’ve already found other things that can replace the alcohol for when times are tough. As you said “I drink because I don’t like where my mind is at…” what are other ways to bring peace to your mind that are beneficial instead of damaging?

  • Your honesty is striking. It takes courage to share your journey so openly. Wishing you strength and clarity as you navigate this new chapter. Keep up the incredible and insightful work, and congrats on the Top Story!

  • Kendall Defoe 3 months ago

    It is a hard road to travel. Please keep us informed!

  • Chloe Gilholy3 months ago

    I lost a friend due to alcohol addiction. This resonated with me.

  • Sending you love and peace and light. I heard every word. Addiction to alcohol is an overwhelming issue with many people . It's a support cane to help one walk and talk, to stand up, to conquer fear. However I the long run it can cause depression , illness and death. Congratulations on your decision to conquer your addiction. You can do it!👍🎊💙

  • Kodah3 months ago

    ❤️Sending you lots of love and hugs Kimmie ❤️ Just know you aren't alone, and I absolutely understand❤️

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