Tomorrow is My Birthday

Hi everyone! I just wanted to get on here and make a quick update. Sorry for being MIA most of this week. Mentally I just couldn't find the strength to write much, and now I think that I am coming down with a cold. Regardless though I am going to try to make the best of my birthday tomorrow, and the important part is I am still sober! Monday will mark one whole month since I last had a drink and I am so proud, but still taking it one day at a time so I will celebrate that on Monday!

I will admit though that this past Thursday I almost caved, but thankfully I didn't. Like I said mentally this week I have just felt kind of off, and really not sure why. Then Thursday just so much stuff kept happening and it felt really stressful and I just started feeling trapped in my situation. Thankfully no one around here got me anything when they went to the store, and after a hour the feeling ended up passing. I also in my head kept reminding myself of every little thing that makes drinking not worth it. I wanted to share this with everyone because the reality is choosing to no drink is only a fraction of what really goes into choosing to stay sober.

I wrote the other day in the discord community that I am in about how I am just so tired of anxiety and fighting my brain. It just gets exhausting day in and day out dealing with it, but like with anything worth having and doing in life it's never easy. The other day really proved to me how strong I am becoming by making the effort not to fall back. I am also glad that I had a support system around me that normally would just allow me to cave, but didn't.

Going through this and really challenging my mental strength reminds me a lot of my days in crossfit training. I remember when I first signed up for crossfit I thought it was going to be easier for me since I had already been working out at another gym for years and was in what I thought good shape. Now I won't deny that it did give me an advantage, but I was no where near in the shape I thought that I was. The physical part of these workouts was beyond what I was used to, and I found myself fighting against my brain trying to quit or saying that I couldn't do it. Each time i didn't give up I proved to mysef that I am so much stronger than my brain will allow me to believe most of the time. That is how I feel with drinking, my brain wants that quick fix something to stop the thoughts and feelings. Believing that I can't do or face anything without this substance. I can't really fault my brain though, it's just resorting to what it's been taught for most of my life. I am working on being more graceful and kind to myself, and that is why I feel so grateful to have y'all in my community for the support and having a safe space to share all my thoughts.

As my birthday approaches in now less than 24 hours I don't really know how to feel. As the years pass often times I forget until about this time and I am like oh yeah it's my birthday! Almost feels like another day now that I am in my 30s. I really hope I am feeling better by tomorrow, but if not I will still make it a good day by having a coffee and reading a good book. I find the simplicity of things to be more appealing anyway these days. I will say too that I have been sleeping on and off today, and when my dad came by at one point when I was awake he questioned if I was hungover or just didn't sleep. It kind of hurt my feelings to be asked if I was hungover considering everyone has seen I haven't drank. I guess considering that is usually what happens when I have drank in the past it's a fair question but it didn't make it hurt any less.

I do feel though that little statement happened to keep me on track and remember that I don't want to feel that way anymore. Any "relief" alcohol will give me in the moment will come with a plethora of consequences late. None of which are worth it, and only cause further damage to our mind and body. I hope everyone has an amazing weekend, and I will talk to you all soon!