Writer's Block

I have been struggling with writer's block for a few months now, but the last 2 months have been worse than normal.

I know that I have been having a lot of emotions, and that I try to avoid the intense emotions, but today in therapy, my therapist asked me if I wanted the things that have happened to be my fault.

I answered that honestly, yes. I want it to be my fault. Because I can't control other people, nor do I really want to... but I do want to fix the things that happened. The conversation concluded with a statement: "You need to forgive yourself."

I am angry at myself for staying. But I stayed because I hoped that the person was being honest when he said that the injuries were on accident. It wasn't until later that I heard, directly from his mouth, that he was never thankful for me trying to keep everyone as safe as I did... he knew what he did was wrong, but still chose it.

I am angry at myself for believing him when he said that it was medication issues and to give him time. But, I would never want to hold medication issues against someone and I would do that again - with anyone. Everyone deserves the chance for medications to stabilize and everyone has accidents and bad days...

I am angry at myself for loving him anyway. But, as a Christian, aren't we supposed to love even the worst sinner and want better things for them?

I am angry at myself for both wanting another child and for being so glad that I didn't get pregnant with yet another child with him. I still want another child and part of me still yearns for the family that I had wanted to build, you know, the white picket fence dream... one mom, one dad, and full siblings. Yet, with the violence getting worse, I am so very thankful that there wasn't another little one that would have been thrown in the midst of exploding tempers within a home that I had wanted to make safe and calm.

I am angry at myself for not remembering the worst moments when asked by the professionals. But the other moments were bad enough to be red flags waving in the wind and still not good enough because it wasn't "proven." The worst moments would not have been "proven" either and that? That might have broken me entirely, so I really should be thankful that my brain protected me from the overwhelm of memories until it was over and we were safe.

I am angry at myself for not being sexually appealing enough to keep my partner from looking to other women for his needs. But, I don't hate the way I look either.

I am angry at myself for being too put together, too organized, too on top of things. But, I hate the feeling of being late on anything or not giving my 100% to the things I have committed to.

I should be angry at him as these are his choices and his decisions. But, I'm not. I'm devastated... and the only one who was at fault for staying is myself. I was too kind, loving, trusting, forgiving... but I can't be angry at myself either because those traits? I can't get rid of them without becoming unkind, hateful, paranoid, and immersed in holding grudges.

So I guess, I have to forgive myself.

I stayed because I couldn't comprehend who would lie about sources of injuries. I left when I personally had the proof that the source wasn't the excuse he had made.

I trusted him with medication issues because I couldn't comprehend anyone purposely choosing a path of destruction and darkness. I left when it was clear that it wasn't a few bad days...

I stayed because in the moment it seemed like the best decision that aligned with my long term goals. I left when my long term goals were forced to change for the safety of the kids.

I love him anyway... but that doesn't mean that I can't hope that he gets the help he needs from a very safe distance.

I wanted another child with him because that was how I was raised to think. I can, and have, adapted my thought process to keep everyone safer. And the urge to have another child? It has greatly decreased now that I am not trying to fill every available moment with stuff to avoid my intense fear regarding the violent outbursts coming out of nowhere.

I wanted to remember everything, but... now that I remember more? I wish for the memories to leave again. I didn't have "proof" because law enforcement couldn't have done a thing... in the same way CPS couldn't have done anything more without punishing me for things outside of my control.

I am beautiful just the way I am - and I never want my daughter(s) to think that she/they need to look better in order to be loved. Jesus said, "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:28) It wasn't my choice to step out of the fidelity of a partnership.

I am the way that I am with schedules and keeping the household running, but that is my job according to Proverbs 31 and I wouldn't want to fail at the job the Bible says is most important!

I did my best every moment. Deciding now that I should have done things differently, now that I have knowledge that I didn't have in those moments, is simply not possible. Even going back in time to educate myself sooner? Well ... that has a whole bunch of problems that Back to Future series pointed out!

I suppose that I do forgive myself. I am only human and can only fix things that I know how to fix in the moment. I am able to take the steps to keep the children safe... and that? That is enough. *smile*

Anything extra? Well... that is icing on the cake of life. The cake that I can enjoy after putting 100% of my best effort into my life and my decisions up to this moment.

P.S. It appears as though my writer's block is gone, doesn't it? *wink*

Disclaimer: This is about feelings and emotions surrounding incidences that haven't necessarily all happened to me personally. Writing in the first person is just easiest for me and I may come back to edit it into the third person to help readers, but I just wanted to break my writer's block. Some details have been changed or left out entirely to protect the privacy of others. I enjoy sharing stories of other survivors with their permission in a format that will protect them as well, so please don't read this as only happening to my family. Unfortunately this story is echoed in the lives of many, many people - and not all are women - but most struggle with forgiving themselves for staying in a bad place as well as realizing that forgiving does not mean forgetting or going back into a bad place.

Thank you to everyone who was willing for me to share small glimpses into your lives. I pray that you are all safe and stay that way!