We are all human!

Well today is the first day that I’ve actually given into journaling... I know I’ve said I’m going to for years and desperately needed it more than anyone I know.

Rationally, I know I should be beyond grateful for everything I have around me. Just ask my family, they will be the first to tell you that I have nothing to be upset about “look at all those people out there” “they have it so much worse” “I can’t stand Steve, I want to grab his face” or the “I’m opting out of this conversation” as my dad would say because he completely dislikes him at this point.

It’s been over three years and I can’t seem to let go... easy for anyone to say who has never been with an addict. Geez, I’ve been with addicts for my entire life AND I guess I am and was an addict right?

I’ve never felt so alone... and I’m glad because that means I’m not using substances to mask what’s really going on, we all know what happens when you avoid the truth for so long, the result is me.

It ALL comes back ten fold, you feel like you can’t breathe, you feel at peace with just ending this whole thing BUT how selfish could you be?!?! Your aunt was just diagnosed with sarcoma and you care about yourself?!?!

I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t know how I feel, what I think, what I should do. I don’t trust myself an ounce, gosh, I gave my life overview to a lazy therapist from Better Help for the first time going back to therapy in what? About 8 years and his response is, well first silence, then “oh wow” how the fuck can someone like this help me?!?

I don’t think anyone understands what it’s like inside of me, or maybe the people around me don’t understand what it’s like to be with an addict, or to be an addict? Or maybe I’m just fucking psychotic. I am convinced of that... steve tells me how fucking crazy I am ALL the time and how I’ll never be in a healthy relationship, if I become a mother I will ruin that child and give that child all of my horrible qualities.

I’m not sure how I’ve even come out of this off of Xanax and not drinking like I used too. Honestly, just thinking about drinking makes me want to throw up but I still do it because my body just doesn’t relax. I have no idea how to relax, I don’t even know how to live anymore. I’ve tried extremely hard and been quite good at acting, well it wasn’t acting once but now it is and you know that saying? They say “once you do something for so long you start believing it” well I sure as hell did and I ran myself into the ground. ALL I’ve ever done my entire life is hid my true self from the people that love me most and tried to “help” or “save” the people I’ve dated. Maybe I wanted them to depend on me? Maybe it felt good to feel like someone needed me so much? Maybe that’s why I love Jax so much... because he needs me. There’s that slight feeling or voice in my head that still says or maybe you are lovable... maybe he just loves you.. maybe a lot of people just love you but I know better than that.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a narcissist or a sociopath because I’ve been told that my whole life and I don’t blame everyone!!!! Look at my actions. I have hurt EVERY single person that’s ever truly loved me... I have pushed every single person that has truly loved me away because why? My negative outlook on life, the fact that I don’t truly believe someone could love me... look at me?!? I don’t love myself.

I am a fucking mess... a walking contradiction... I need help. I truly do need help. Am I bipolar? Do I need more medication?

Ever since I was young I’ve day dreamt about having a beautiful happy family and I remember even as early as around 6 years old, holding my true feelings inside. I never wanted anyone to know how I truly felt, I mean being vulnerable felt like it would kill me, so instead I created this tough persona and honestly it got me through most of my life okay but was I ever being authentic? What even is authentic? I might not know anymore but at one point I was. The last time I remember being truly happy was just playing softball, being great at it, having an outlet, something to hide behind. Following that, I had work and I was great at that and told my everyone. No one can ever survive thinking that people will continue to love them and praise them the way I was when I was younger. I got away with everything!!! And I recall my dad saying constantly “one day that pretty smile won’t work” and guess what? He was fucking right. I am now 33, I’m lost, I’m unemployed and the most lonely I’ve ever been in my entire life.

The thing is, I don’t want to be around people anymore, I don’t want to do all those things I used to love, I don’t even want to be seen in public. It all started going downhill after I found out that Danielle was addicted to heroine.... how could I have been so naive... probably the most painful thing I’ve ever been through in my life because although 19 I truly believed for the first time EVER that someone loved me unconditionally and that they would never hurt me. Little did I know that everyone will hurt you.

I am messed up from my father leaving... you can’t deny as hard as you try or as tough a persona you put up that a person who is supposed to unconditionally love you, just doesn’t or now I see it as, was unable to love at the time. It just leaves a lasting effect. The world can see one side of you but you never feel good enough... you always feel that something is wrong with you... forever I can imagine no matter how hard you try. And mom was doing her best but she’s not stable enough to help me when she’s going through it herself. Everyone on this earth is just trying to survive but I’m sitting here all alone in my room feeling helpless, lonely, unloved.

After Danielle I don’t remember much of my life to be honest...looking back I don’t even know how I did it but being busy was far better than dealing with the pain of pretty much anything.

This was where I started to slowly decline... with alcohol, drugs, dating addicts, a bunch of jobs, until one day you wake up and don’t know who the hell you are. And that’s where I am now. I don’t understand how such a good innocent loving person ended up here. All I’ve ever wanted to feel or have is love and I’ve acted in ways that would do the complete opposite. What a fucking psychopath. How could one person chase or want stability when the last thing that anyone could ever describe them as is stable.

I lost EVERYTHING, I lost my family, my friends, myself, my confidence, my passion for life, my innocence, any positivity that was left, my values, morals, respect. I was so heavily into drinking, drugs, the LGBTQ+ fuck that shit I hate it now, scene, I felt like I was on top of the world, honestly I didn’t feel a goddamn thing for years and the memories come and go. Some good, some I can’t even think about or I never want to show my face again. I can’t believe how low I got and I didn’t give a fuck who I was hurting or what was happening because I lost myself entirely.

I never ever recommend avoiding life because every situation has a lesson and if you don’t learn those lessons you end up like me at 33.

I thought my entire life was figured out, I was pretty, confident, made a-lot of money at my age and thought I had all the time in the world. Well I didn’t and no one does, life is full of ups and downs, upsets and a few positives I guess, I mean I’m smiling a little bit as I’m writing.

Bottom line is that I just lived life without regard for any other person, I wasn’t grateful for anything I had because I didn’t feel!!! When you don’t feel everything is what it is for the moment or day or year... years fly by until you’re fat and old with no children and no energy.

I used to love life.. I mean everything was beautiful to me. If I really try I can find beauty in most everything but now I don’t want too because I know the world is filled with evil... horrible fucking evil but still I do see light.

I mean I do love my family, and absolutely love Jax, and sometimes I still really love music but I don’t even let myself like music or even listen because songs remind me of either really great things or things I don’t want to remember because I didn’t appreciate it when I had it.

I know I have a lot of talents, I know I’m a creative person with so much love to give, even though I thought I had nothing left I still have a lot of love to give, I know I’m strong, at times but the world doesn’t know. I’ve shown the world who I truly am... a psychotic train wreck.

How could anyone love me when I can’t love myself? Most of the time I just want to hide but maybe I’m actually growing? Who knows?

Bottom line is, does anyone truly understand me? I don’t think anyone does but does anyone understand anyone? And this is why I am the way I am. I can’t relax!

I’m 33, no husband or wife, with many masculine qualities, also strong enough haha, no children, nothing to my name and I’ve lost every person that could have potentially loved me unconditionally but I don’t even know if people can love unconditionally. The unknown is terrifying and I don’t even know what I need myself.

Funny thing is.... I’ve completely, single hand idly destroyed the person that all those people fell in love with until the last one fell out of love... well I sure as hell accomplished making my biggest fears come true.

I remember feeling and seeing myself deteriorating before my eyes and I was trying to stop it but I just couldn’t. I felt like I was in quicksand and every second got worse and worse. Every step of the way I felt myself slipping, denying everything, slipping further, being more in denial and slipping more because I couldn’t handle who I was becoming. Well again, I’ve lived through another one of my biggest fears but why does my life always have to be about fear? For once, I just want to be loved, nurtured and taken care of. When I was younger I believed that I deserved love and maybe even that I was better than other people? Which is obviously unattractive and arrogant because look at me now and look at all those other people, they are where I wanted to be, where I should be. They are better and stronger than me.

Thinking about it... maybe I am special and different. I’ve ALWAYS felt different. And maybe before I was TO observant, maybe I realized that in life it was just easier to not see so much, to not hear so much. Or maybe it was a gift? Maybe it was a gift from God, telling me exactly what I should do. I’m not sure. And maybe everyone’s life is cut out for them ahead of time or maybe the tiny little decisions or turns we make in life are those exact ones that lead to an empty or full life but no one knows which way to turn and the people that are thriving are the ones who trusted and listened to themselves all along.

Okay, maybe now I’m just plain psychotic. Not psycho, in the sense of going to the hospital but psycho in the sense that I actually feel one with the earth and no longer view death as such a horrible thing because I truly believe that those who have passed are happier up there. I mean I was questioning being one with the earth today and saw a bright green bug that I’ve never seen before kicking all the other bugs asses (I swear it was Pappie).

It’s funny that we all want what we don’t have but if we all had each others qualities nothing would make each person authentic or I’m not sure if that’s the word. Maybe, if I had someone else’s qualities I’d go insane and vice versa.

Yes, I do know that I’m extremely extroverted, could talk to the wall or the President or pretty much anyone and feel fine, but there are many things that I don’t feel I do so well. I am entirely an underachiever and pretty much the exact person I didn’t want to be, a fraud, a fake or is that just what Steve told me? I really don’t know.

So basically, I’m sitting here feeling 50% empty and 50% full with no idea where to go from here. I must have split personalities because this can’t be normal. How does one person feel every single emotion all day everyday? That’s how I feel, ALL fucking day.

Does everyone else feel this way? I bet not. Or maybe the people that feel this way are the ones that make this world interesting or fucking crazy for lack of a better word.

What I do know as of today, is that I have lived and loved and I don’t want to stop.