The Day My Reality Changed

On February 2nd 2019, I experienced a traumatic event that changed a lot about the way I live and how I take care of myself. Before this event occurred I used to have a very unhealthy diet and not take much care of myself in other ways as well, I got to the point where I was drinking up to two two liters of soda a day, and was also eating pretty unhealthy food. I used to not care about what I was putting in my body or how processed certain foods were and I would eat or drink it regardless of how bad the stuff was for me, and I also didn't really exercise much back then. Now my diet is much different and I also feel like I take better care of myself to the extent that I am able to.

On February 2nd 2o19, I was playing Rocket League with one of my friends and we were in a voice chat on discord while we were playing. I was having chili dogs for dinner and I wasn't really expecting anything very traumatic to happen, although I have had some issues with swallowing food every now and then up to that point. So I was eating my food while playing making sure not to get anything on my controller and while I was playing I took a bite of my food and then it got stuck in my throat. Usually I would try to drink something to try to help get it to go down but this time when I took a drink it ended up making me have to go to the bathroom to try to throw it up for around two hours and it's the scariest thing that I have ever had to experience. You don't expect to have a normal human function like that to just not work right and then it's really hard to feel normal afterwards especially when you learn it's because you have a thyroid disorder.

For the next two days after it happened, I was eating and drinking like I usually did even though I had the fear of it happening again in the back of my mind but I was swallowing normally then all of a sudden the day after those two days it was like I forgot how to eat or swallow food. So then for about two to three months I was too scared to actually try eating anything because it always felt like I couldn't eat or like something was stuck in my throat whenever I tried to eat something, so for that time span I was mainly getting my calories from things I was able to drink. First it was soda, apple juice, grape juice, and orange juice then eventually I had enough courage to start drinking homemade milkshakes. I would use ice cream, milk and bananas to make the milkshakes and I was glad that I was actually able to consume the milkshakes because it gets really hard just drinking the same stuff daily. There was also a pain in my neck during all that especially at first after the traumatic event happened and my throat had quite a bit of soreness so I tried cough drops and lozenges at first to try to get the pain and soreness to go away. And I remember for the first week or two after it happened all I did was lay down and try to rest or sleep. I also listened to new music during that time and I think that helped me with getting through all of it, during that time I came across Jon Bellion's new album at that time and Alison Wonderland who is now one of my favorite artists.

Eventually I was brave enough to start trying to eat again, I started out by eating cheese quesadillas and nachos in small portions because trying to eat actual food again was very draining. I would feel like I was out of breath just from two or three bites and it was very frustrating not being able to eat like I usually did. I ended up getting really depressed because of all of it and just started losing more and more hope about being able to eat or swallow even somewhat normally again. During this time I also fell into a rabbit hole of ARGs, or Alternate Reality Games, On YouTube. They were very interesting to me and they really helped with taking my mind off of everything and making me feel like I was in a different world and didn't have to worry about anything. One of my favorite ARGs that I came across was one called "The Sun Vanished" from Twitter as it was very interesting and I was really into the story. These Alternate Reality Games people were making or made really helped me handle getting through how difficult of a time I was having because of what happened and how it affected me.

Eventually me not being able to eat or swallow normally started really getting to me and stressing me out to an extreme extent that I seriously considered giving up on trying to be able to eat normally again. It got to the point where I started to disassociate to an extreme extent where I started to feel like I was not real and that everything around me didn't actually exist, as well as everything feeling cloudy or dreamy. Feeling that to that point got to the point where I would start crying because I didn't know what to do and because I felt so hopeless that I felt like there was no way out from it and I didn't know who to go to. Fortunately I messaged someone who I thought was my friend at the time, and she helped me to get out of that mind state as well as gave me hope that things can get better. Even though her and I aren't friends anymore, I will always be thankful for her being there for me at that point because I don't know how things would have ended up if she wasn't there for me at that point even though her and I don't really like each other much now.

After she helped me a bit and gave me hope that things could get better again, I kept trying to be able to eat and swallow normally again. eventually it got a lot better although I think a person coming back into my life at some point during all of that really helped as well since I felt a lot happier after they came back into my life during all of that, and i think feeling genuinly happy during all of that helped me be able to eat and swallow mostly normal again. When I was for sure able to eat mostly normal again, I changed a lot of my diet and also started working out with my mom and her personal trainer two times a week. I changed my diet to eating a lot less processed foods, avoiding gluten, and trying to mostly eat organic food and I feel like eating that way made me feel a lot better. I also learned that I really enjoy working out because it helps me feel better and it also helps me get my mind away from things that are stressing me out or bothering me. I feel like all of that really helps with my anxiety especially when I'm able to live that way and not have to worry too much about other things that will make it hard to be able to actually live that way.

I am always scared of food getting stuck in my throat and having to end up in the bathroom for a couple hours again because it's one of the scariest things I have ever experienced. It has only happen one other time but that time it ended up not being as bad and I was able to start eating normally a lot faster during that time, although I did get really depressed and frustrated about it happening again because it felt like all the progress I made up to that point just got completely taken away in an instant. I always try my best to be able to eat and drink as healthy as I'm able to and to not fall into my old eating habits because I know how unhealthy I was eating during that time and how unhealthy the stuff was the I was putting in my body. I also try to work out as much I can or as much as I am able to even if I have to workout on my own now if I want to because I want to try to keep my body at an healthy condition and I want to also try to be strong physically as well as emotionally and mentally.

February 2nd 2019 is the most traumatic day I have had in my life up to this point and I am always scared of it happening again, the fear is always in the back of my mind. It ended up making me go through the toughest stretch of my life mentally and there was times where I genuinely thought that I wasn't going to get through it. During that time I found new music and kinds of videos that I liked that I feel like helped get me through all of that. It also resulted in me eating healthier and learning that I really enjoy exercising, and I feel like I'm able to take better care of myself now than I was before it happened. It definitely changed the way I lived and also changed how I feel about everything as well as making some things harder for me to handle than they used to be. I'm glad I made it through all of that because I ended up with a couple really good things in my life, and I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on those things.