People Pleaser

Today I was doing well. I mean, it had been a long day, but I was looking forward to getting pizza with my family. We don't eat out very often, for a multitude of reasons, so tonight was a special treat.

The restaurant we went to was having a fundraiser for a great cause so it made sense that there would be a multitude of customers. For some reason or another, it didn't cross my mind. We got there and I wanted to run, but I forced myself to breathe: my kiddos were so excited about pizza and I didn't want to disappoint them.

I thought that it would be better once I sat down. It wasn't. There was so much noise and chaos that I was really struggling. Thankfully my partner noticed and after trying to distract me didn't work, he suggested that I go wait in the vehicle.

I jumped at the chance to leave. I was still hungry... I hadn't eaten almost anything all day, but the food was turning sour in my stomach as my anxiety built. I was afraid to eat more and throw up. I hate throwing up.

I left and headed for the vehicle. I should have been fine, but now I felt ashamed of myself. I mean, what kind of person can't sit through a meal with their own family to eat out? The shame led down the path of my shadows (bad hallucinations) starting to whisper.

As I tried to tune them out, the traffic got louder. Conversations across the street were loud enough that I could make out exactly what was being said. I become more aware of my surroundings and realized that I was getting ready to panic.

I took a breath and texted my partner that I couldn't stay in the vehicle. I was headed for the water. And then I allowed my body to take me where I needed to be. I get scared when this happens because I don't want people taking it wrong. I don't want a scene. I don't want stopped and have my communication lost.

So I headed for the water even though I didn't have my knee brace on and my knee started hurting. Fun fact: I am recovering from bursitis in my knee caused by a super embarrassing situation caused by a panic attack.

The great thing about my mind, and the not so great thing about my mind, is that I am great at mind over matter. I put my mind to something or, in most cases, my mind gets stuck on something, and not much else matters.

So I made it to the water and lost myself in the calming waves caused by the wind, the sounds of the birds talking, and the smell of spring. And then I fought back the tears.

You see, I had thought about taking my service animal, Aurora. She has been going most places with me lately. We've been working together for about 6 months now and she is excellent at doing her job(s).

But, I left her at home.

Why? Why would I purposely put myself through this torture of an experience? Why would I choose to have to take medication I hate? Or, more specifically, that shows it's hatred of me with terrible side-effects?

Because of people who are louder than they maybe should be. I am thinking of people who I'd gladly play Megan Trainor's song I am Your Mother for.

Because several of my friends are not my friends any longer because I have her and, for whatever reason, they are no longer okay with my presence. Okay, so I know the reason: I am schizophrenic and have severe anxiety that triggers the previous point's negative side. But without Aurora, it isn't obvious I am disabled. I have an invisible disability that it is just easier for you to not acknowledge without my service animal.

Because every time I go out on a walk around people, someone yells at us some horrible thing or throws something at us or tries to drive too close (my favorite excuse: I thought it was a deer! So you ... drive... closer?!) or honks their horn with a laugh when I jump and Aurora doesn't.

Because I don't always want to explain that I have rights to be there too. That she is what makes these events more accessible for me.

Because I don't want you to be uncomfortable.

Yes, I know how stupid that sounds. I have a big heart for someone who has a hard time expressing emotion. I don't want her presence to interfere with your good time.

Even though that meant that my good time has ended with me in tears, shaking, and wondering if my shadows are possibly right: that my kids would be better off without me.

I do not believe the shadows. But some days it is REALLY hard to not listen to their lies.

I could just stop going out, but that doesn't stop the shadows. If I send my kids with other people all of the time, I am a horrible mother and I miss seeing their enjoyment. If I take them and spend the entire time forcing myself to breath and count, then I am not present or in the moment with their happiness... queue horrible mother guilt. If I have to rush out of a place because I feel like ripping my skin off and stuffing it so that it might be a body double? Horrible mother, my kids might have missed something.

I have to learn to love myself enough to bring Aurora so that I can relax and have fun just for me. And as one of my professional friends said, "until you can bring her for you, bring her for your kids because your kids miss their Mama when you have to leave or stay home." But that is a process that has been made very difficult with the last several months.

I've had people tell me that they are uncomfortable saying anything when they see discrimination and they don't know what to do. I have one piece of advice for those people: "what would you hope your kids would do if they saw someone getting bullied for being in a wheelchair or having glasses?" If your answer is that you would want them to turn away and pretend they didn't see it, then you are doing a great job! Otherwise, do whatever it is that you would hope your child would do and accept yourself for you.

I know that I am trying very hard to accept myself for who I am. And accept that it is perfectly fine for me to take up space - even if it makes you uncomfortable.

As a closing thought, this last week a few people actually came up to talk to me and ask questions to learn about her and I (not demanding to see Aurora's papers and proof that she is a service animal because I "don't look disabled"). One person even moved so that Aurora and I would have the space we needed without being asked! You guys are awesome. You guys make me feel welcome and included. Thank you. :-)

If you aren't one of these people yet, know that asking my partner about my service animal is kind of insulting. I do understand that you don't want to offend me, but asking someone else about my service animal really feels like you are gossiping behind my back. I might be weird, but figured that I should clarify... directly stating your question is ALWAYS better for our interactions. I can't misunderstand and then I don't have to spend the next several hours wondering if I actually answered your question appropriately. ;-)