I Talk Out the Ass

I don't know how to write this, my feelings are like a dark cloud inside. Shrouded in doubt and pain. My inner demons won't leave me alone. My only way of coping right now is to write this out. I've been told all my life I'm the probably unwanted always the scape goat.

I have stood back felt used almost my whole life, what's the point of right now still feel used still feel unwanted.

Am I naive to want a job I actually love? The only thing that keeps me sane is writing and if I asked myself this isn't enough time in the day to keep writing.

I wanted to do NANOWRIMO so bad this year because I wasn't prepared. I feel like now it's just I'm in my head to much. I feel like the only thing that keeps me calm right now is my husband and music. The truth is I'm not happy because I feel like I'm not thriving only in three areas: Writing, being married, and listening to music.

I feel this sense of not belonging. All I do is feel this blank space in just keeping me down. The lack of money around constantly asking for assistance because I haven't found that thing that I feel passionate about to make an actual income.

I need help and to stop out of my head just once in my life. There tension inside of me and i want it stop. I don't know how to feel this right inside.

I want to scream, I want to say how I really feel but would anyone ever listen. I don't know how to calm myself right now.

I wish my side hustle didn't have to be a side hustle and it could be great source of income.

I know how I feel right now I miss him husband even though he is a pain in the ass. I still don't know how I feel about college I feel like it's going to cost me a whole lot, and unsure if it's even worth it.

All though if I work for the next ten years at Camp Cheerful I will have my loans paid in ten years. Which means in ten years I will be 48 years old and my husband will be 38 years old. Why is it that money and years cost so much? I want to love what I do. I want to have enough money to live in a house not an apartment it doesn't bother me if I'm renting forever.

There was a time when I wasn't always so doubtful in myself. That I wasn't so afraid to share my feelings. I can remember a time when I was in high school I was highly rebellious. No one could tell me what to do. I fought like hell to make sure I had my own life. I can remember when I wanted to travel join the peace corp I wanted to help people in Africa bring water to a villages. I can remember wanting to go to College to study being a social worker.

I want to be the business woman the author, blogger, the side hustle of selling junk food to the public, and all I want is a job the makes me an actual side income. I want it is all.

I just really need to get out of my head just now finally opening up to my husband about what's holding me back. It really feels good being able to do that. I share with some who actually listens to me. I think it really feels great to hear someone who listens to me something I never had growing up.