Breaking the Silence: My Healing Process

I had a teacher who taught me how to be passionate and how to stick out because I wasn’t very confident. Now he should be on a list of adults children should not trust. I don’t know why I thought I knew him that well. I believed in all of his lies because I thought that he would never do what he did. He used to tell me that “ I would understand when I’m older. I wonder if it ever crossed his mind that if I was young enough to talk down too maybe I was too young to be sleeping with him. It was a very confusing time in my life. I felt all alone and he was there.

A piece of me is still stuck in that classroom. It’s strange to know that whenever I think of myself at 14 I think of this. Every corner of that school reminds me of that time. I wonder if anyone knew what he was doing. Did he think that I deserved it? I really loved him and now I can’t stop laughing about how stupid I was. I used to want him to confess why he did it. I think I would have died for him but he killed something inside me instead. Knowing that he deserves jail and will never get it makes angry.Years later and I am finally the age he was when this all started. The anger in me has subsided, or at least lessened, Now I’m just mad that he had to ruin something that important to me.

I’ve been angry for years. I had it all planned out, what I would say to him if I ever ran into him, but now that I am standing in front of him no words come out. I see him clearly and he sees me. The silence between us speaks a truth that is heavier than any words could exchange. he looks different, but I recognize those eyes- those eyes that used to hold me fear and his secrets. The memories flood back, but they no longer have a hold over me.

I am not the same person than I was when I was stuck in that classroom on the 3rd floor. I no longer carry the weight of his actions. As I walk away, I realize that I am finally free from the chains of his manipulation. Children should not be scared to go to science class, children shouldn't be scared to go to school period. His actions made me hate a place that I once loved.I haven't been back to that building in almost 10 years.I don't have the stomach for me. Everytime I go on the same block I get sick to my stomach. I always thought that violence didn’t solve anything, until one day it did. The guilt I expected to come never did. I walked back to him and punched him as hard as I could. No it was not my finest moment. Violence is never the answer but I looked at him and saw 14 year old me scared to death. He never once looked scared to see me, even after I punched him. I looked down and my hand were shaking. That was not what I had planned to do. There are some secrets that I would take to my grave. I wanted everyone to know what that man did to me. I am not scared anymore. He can't hurt me anymore. I hope telling my story is going to help someone somewhere. I do not want to be that scared little girl anymore.