How to Relight the Fire in Your Eyes That Died So Long Ago

I lived most of my life suffering I do not know how to live with out it. The light went out in my eyes a long time ago. My family and friends asks me how I’m doing and they let me lie. I really don’t want to talk about it. I can pretend to be “normal”. being out kind of makes me feel like i’m drowning. Maybe I should have opened up before it all got too much. I have been here before I should have remembered the outcomes. When things were really bad, when I was younger I would never want to be alone. I was scared of what could happen if I was by myself. Now I like the quiet. When I’m not in the right head space I will cut people out of my life. I started to like it. I didn’t have to pretend anymore. The people I love know when I’m not feeling the best now because of it. I’m not sure which is better.

There are a bunch of what if’s that are going through my head. Everyone said it will get better but what if it doesn’t. I keep thinking that leaving my hometown would be a fresh start. no matter any starts I get there is almost aways the same ending. Every gets ruined and I end up by myself. I just get so in my head so badly that I can’t think. I think that there is some relief when it comes to giving in to destruction. My best friend says I think too much. I agree with him. When I start thinking about anything I tend to over think. He is really good at helping me through it. I think it’s because he gets that way too. We help each other like that. We help each other relight the fire in our eyes. It is better than it was. I’m not as angry as I used to be.

When people learn my story they usually say WOW! you are so resilient. I don’t think people understand that my options were being resilient or death. I didn’t really have that much of a choice. I was not going to make my family bury their eldest daughter. I don’t think that I can get any better. A part of me what’s to leave again. the minute anything “bad” happens I run. I’ve been doing it since I was a kid. I’m good at it. I perfected starting over. I’m waiting for a plot twist and everything goes well and it keeps getting better. I sometimes feel like I’m one of those people who can’t be around happy people. Like I’m so miserable that I will infect them. So I pick people to be in my life who are just as miserable or more than me. I am not so sure that it is making me feel any better. I’m not the same anymore. I should be happy but I’m not.

There are good days and there are bad days. I’m still working on it and I think a part of me always will be. I know when it is getting bad again and can change my reactions to it. I can’t stop it from happening but I can change how I react to it. The most important people in my life now notice different ways I show that I’m starting to get bad again, like picking at my nails or smoking. I laugh different now. I don’t think my eyes light up the same but they are starting too. I have the light I had when I was younger.