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I envy you

A journal entry

By Aathavi ThangesPublished about a month ago 3 min read
Top Story - January 2024
24
— Tracie Macvean

You weigh on my chest, capture my breath. I'm held captive in your hold and stripped of all that I know. I'm a helpless, fallen soul beholden to empty hope. I'm lost here, all on my own. I'm lost here, broken to the bone.

It was the doctor that made me aware of all this. She has me booked for 2 appointments, both 2-hours long, and both with two different psychiatrists. Messy, isn't it?

I spill my guts with no idea where it'll take me, and for what? To someday be "healed"? It's never that simple. I wish it were, but dear God: there isn't a soul on this earth that'll fill you in on this side of life. It's not because they've never experienced it, but because they've never been open enough to say a damn thing.

It amazes me that some people can live for so long without confronting the darkest parts of humanity. I mean, it's standing right there: the loneliness, confusion, the offensive inclination to scar, abandon and bruise. I mean, it's practically staring at you, right into your helpless, precious eyes. It's hungry to harm and persistently insatiable. So, I wonder how? How is it that people distract themselves enough to forget?

I wonder if it's a secret that begs to be learned? It might be the only way to modestly live. If you gather enough to keep you steady, hold onto it for dear life. God forbid you fall into the claws of reality and lose yourself in the process.

They don't teach you this stuff. They never do. Most people are lucky enough to have something to hold onto. The rest of us are naught. We're walking moot points, waiting to be heard. Damaged, bruised, discarded and yet— still burdened by the force that is life. There is only so much to bear before it's too late, so I have to ask: How?

As I see it, the secret is just an ability (that I sorely lack). It's the ability to adapt, so what motivates this ability to adapt? I beg of you, please teach me how it works. An entire life has passed me by and still— the forces that kill the monstrous, unfulfilling parts of life evade me.

Like nothing else, this may be the most painful thing I've ever had to grieve. This secret is the only thing that's clung to hope without slipping in my hold. It reminds me how to live. It's a security that life assuredly depends on and yet, I walk on everyday without it.

Every moment and in every way, I wonder how you do it. You breathe as you do, and I envy the air within your lungs. You smile so briefly, and yet, I still crave the energy within. I'm desperately awaiting the day that finally comes— however it may come, whenever it decides to reach me. The day I am rid of myself is a day that surpasses every miracle born into our world. The day that I await is a day that may never exist, but it's also the extent of my sour hope:

I awake and my chest is weightless. I'm no longer breathless and the sun leaves my skin unscathed.

Don't we all... live lifeless, awaiting for a day that doesn't feel like a burden, awake to time as though it isn't a death sentence, and live like life isn't just a force to be reckoned with. Don't we all?

I envy you if you don't.

I envy every single person who knows the secret to life.

I miss it. I miss living. My hope is beholden to the world and yet, the world fails me every day.

My advice to you is, hold onto it for as long as you can— hard enough to keep you alive once you finally lose it.

There isn't a psychiatrist in the world with the balls to tell you that.

treatmentstherapystigmapersonality disorderhumanitydisorderdepressionanxietyadvice
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About the Creator

Aathavi Thanges

Disposing my thoughts one page at a time

Reader insights

Outstanding

Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!

Top insights

  1. Compelling and original writing

    Creative use of language & vocab

  2. Eye opening

    Niche topic & fresh perspectives

  3. Heartfelt and relatable

    The story invoked strong personal emotions

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Comments (10)

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  • Anna 11 days ago

    Congrats on Top Story!🥳

  • Naveed about a month ago

    Outstanding! Keep striving for greatness—congratulations!

  • JBazabout a month ago

    This line for me said it all ‘ I awake and my chest is weightless. I'm no longer breathless and the sun leaves my skin unscathed.’ Conflicts and scars in life are not always visible. Congratulation

  • L.C. Schäferabout a month ago

    Life is a fruit basket, and the secret is to get past the pineapple ❤️

  • hassen fraihabout a month ago

    good

  • Natasha Collazoabout a month ago

    Reading this well written INTELLIGENT article, is a mirror of how beautiful you are. I don’t even need to see a picture. This was exceptional, intellectual, and wise. The level of wisdom you’ve reached in your self awareness is the goal psychiatrists want you to reach, and it’s a forever work in progress. The brain is its own thing but you can train it like a dog! Well, so I’ve been told. Great work! Subscribed!

  • Joe Mellenabout a month ago

    Wow, that was beautiful to read. I am speechless, but I know I'll come back to read that again. Thank you for sharing.

  • The secret is to be found in song sung by Fiero in the musical "Wicked". It's simply called "The Unexamined Life". Awareness creates weight, weight that needs to be borne. When we no longer have the strength to bear it, that's when we become the two of us, my friend.

  • Hannah Mooreabout a month ago

    I think the secret is to be able to hold the burden of life and still also hold the pleasures, and notice that you can hold both.

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