How My Life Turned Around During a Night in an Irish Pub

Up to the year 2024, I had always struggled with being myself. I didn’t think I could ever fully be me. It’s not that I didn’t try but it somehow never seemed to work out. But this year is my year of change. Right around New Year’s I made the choice: To overcome my fear of being me. This decision has led to the most profound growth I’ve ever experienced in my life — these past 30 years. It has been the most challenging but also the most rewarding. The hardest, but also the most worthwhile. I’ve gotten to know myself in ways I never thought I would. It’s confusing and uncertain but at the same time exciting. I’ve had to let go of a lot in the past months. Some of those things have required a lot of courage. There are days when I feel completely lost, without any direction or sense of belonging. Unsettled, like a home built without a foundation. Other days, I think I’ve reached my goal until I run into an unexpected obstacle that causes me to fall back or that reveals another challenge that I need to work on. However, overall I’m thrilled with the results of the work I’ve put in the past months.

But before I simply skip to the outcome that arose from the seeds of change I’ve been planting the past few months, I’d like to share how it all came about. How I came to the realisation that now was the time for me to bloom, that it was important to make the choice to finally be me, important enough to face my biggest fears in life. Furthermore, I’d love to share with anyone out there who is struggling with the same issues, what methods I used to help me work towards my goal of becoming more and more like myself. After I realised I needed change, how did I go about it? What steps have I been taking to explore who I am and to start being that person who I am getting to know? I have to say, it’s all been quite a strange turn of events — something that you could also see in a movie or a novel. It’s also been an emotional rollercoaster with many ups and downs — even to this day. But through it all there’s one thing I can say for certain: I do not regret the choice I made for a moment. So, without further ado, I’d like to share my personal story of growth in the hopes that it might be a source of inspiration to someone out there.

It all started in an Irish Pub

It was a September evening in the North of Spain, in an Irish pub, when and where my life turned around 180 degrees. You could say that there can’t have been a more ordinary moment and place for such a life-changing event to happen. I certainly did not see it coming at all. In fact, I was not in the mood for change. I was in the middle of yet another autoimmune attack and I had no idea why we were on our way to an Irish pub at 10pm at night — all I wanted to do was to lie in bed and forget about that day. But I didn’t want to spoil the fun for my husband and brother-in-law who were eager to meet new people after we’d just moved to a new city in a new country. Technically, they spent half of their youth in that city and it was only really new for me, but I’m afraid there’s no time to go further into those details. The main point is that we were in an Irish pub for an English meet-up to get to know new people and that I was not in the mood to do or say anything. All I wanted was to sleep.

We weren’t sure where to go in the pub because it was our first time there. At the entrance we considered leaving since at first glance it didn’t look like there was any meeting going on. But we decided to step out of our comfort zone and go check inside — after all, we didn’t come all that way for nothing. Somewhere in the back, there were two guys sitting at three tables joined together. Although it didn’t look like a meet-up for now, they did look like they were expecting more people. The atmosphere looked rather awkward, however, since neither of them was saying anything. “Excuse me, is this the English meet-up?”, my husband inquired. “Oh yes, yes. How are you? Please sit, sit.”, one of the guys replied. Now there was no way back, I realised. We sat down. No one was saying anything. My headache and nausea were getting worse. “Where are you from?”, the same guy asked. “We’re from Spain,” my husband pointed at his brother, “and my wife is from the Netherlands.” “Oh, I’m from Brazil!” Silence. All I could think was that I wanted to go home and go to bed. My two companions looked like they were thinking along the same lines. In a way, it felt like we had made the silent agreement that we would leave after we finished our first drink.

But then there was a sudden change in the air. Two people arrived at the tables. They looked like a couple. There was something different about them like they had a kind of energy and presence that you don’t see so often. I was glad since, with more people at the meet-up it meant it was easier for me to disappear into the background, so I wouldn’t need to talk to anyone. At least, that’s what I thought. For some minutes it looked like I was right. They were just chit-chatting, leaving me out of the conversation. We found out that the couple was from Germany. I was not thrilled, thinking that it couldn’t be more ironic that they came from the exact country that we were so glad to have left behind. No offence to Germany but we just had some really bad experiences there.

“And what’s your name?” Oh sh*t, they’re talking to me? I did not see it coming that anyone would pay any attention to me. I thought I was quite good at being invisible. With some quick, blunt answers I was hoping they wouldn’t bother me more. It worked. The man from Germany started telling the man from Brazil about his work. “I’m writing a book. It’s about iodine, which is very important for female reproductive health.” Iodine! The moment I heard the word I suddenly had full attention for what the other people at the meet-up were talking about. The thoughts started racing through my head. Should I say it? But I cannot possibly say that to a group of strangers, can I? Perhaps it was the migraine attack that made me a bit more careless than usual, as I blurted out, “I have a tumor in my uterus!” All heads instantly turned my way. Oh no… what did I just do? What happened next was beyond anything that I could have imagined. The man exclaimed, “I need to find out more about that!”, stood up, picked up his chair, and came and sat down next to me. Though I felt rather overwhelmed and the migraine was making it very hard to think, soon my passion for nutrition overshadowed all else as I found myself engaged in what became one of the most life-changing conversations I had ever had. Everything and everyone else faded into the background. The man, let’s call him Sebastian, asked me question after question, while sharing some of the most intriguing insights with me about how iodine is crucial for many processes in the body. He also noted down my email address so he could send me books and links on the same topic later. And that’s where the first seed for my personal transformation was sown: Through a conversation in an Irish pub sparked by the tumor in my uterus.

Over the next weeks to months, we visited Sebastian and his girlfriend — I’ll name her Esther — quite frequently. Initially, the main purpose was to inform me of steps I could take to improve my physical health, but soon I noticed the topic of the conversations started to change. We talked for hours on end about psychology, philosophy, family, spirituality, and much more. In short, we talked about life and all of its intricate aspects. After our second English meet-up at the Irish pub, we were walking home together, when Sebastian came to walk beside us. “I was glad to see you smile today. From the first moment I saw you last time I knew instantly you were depressed.” The words stuck with me because they came as a bit of a surprise to me. I thought I was just burdened by autoimmune attacks but it had never crossed my mind that my problems could have been due to depression as well. Several months went by and the supplements that Sebastian had recommended were showing great improvements in my physical health. But mentally I was still struggling. Talking to Sebastian and Esther had increased my awareness of mental health and how I had a lot more to work on than I had ever realised. However, several things were holding me back from making an active choice to change — like fear and pride. In some ways, I felt like they were exaggerating. They were even suggesting that many of my problems were caused by narcissists in my family. I simply couldn’t believe that my dear loved ones from my childhood could be capable of such things. I even felt rather offended by Sebastian’s words so I simply brushed them aside.

But then came December and with it the holidays. My parents wanted to visit us for Christmas and New Year’s that year. We decided to stay in a rental apartment together for two weeks. Sebastian and Esther said it was a bad idea because we would suffer a lot in such a toxic environment of manipulation with a lack of mutual respect. I figured they were overreacting. My parents couldn’t possibly be so bad, could they be? For three days, everything seemed quite alright, but on the fourth day, the bomb burst. I prefer to keep the details private, but my husband and I felt under severe mental and emotional distress because of the events that occurred. It even led to physical assault and the stress was taking a toll on our health. Though they were some of the worst days we’ve experienced, they also had a crucial impact on our life: My eyes were finally opened to the truth. I was finally able to see what had been happening right under our noses for all this time. Sebastian was right! My childhood family environment was highly toxic and it was the reason why I had been struggling mentally all this time. I had been going along with the toxic dynamics even though it was hurting my husband and I mentally, spiritually, and even physically. Suddenly I could see so clearly what had been there all along. It was a big shock for me, but at the same time, it became the biggest turning point in my life so far. After the initial shock, I had a pivotal realisation: Now that I was aware of the situation at hand, I also had the possibility to do something about it. For the first time in my life, I chose to resist the control and manipulation of my childhood family. It is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done — I felt absolutely terrified. But as I carefully started setting my first boundaries, I soon discovered that it worked. The terrifying consequences that I was dreading did not come true. On the contrary, we had the novel experience of having a bit of personal freedom, of having some room to breathe, and of staying true to ourselves. What I thought was gonna be the most horrible experience of our life, turned out to be immensely liberating instead. This is how the seeds that were planted in the journey of becoming myself started to sprout. This is how the new me — the real me — started to take root. Around New Year’s 2024 I made the choice to take the first steps towards being me.

Cultivating What You Sow

In the months that followed, I worked on cultivating the roots that had started to grow, to have a strong foundation on which I can build my personality, my identity. Sometimes I get impatient, thinking that branches and leaves and flowers should be showing by now. Out of frustration, I told Sebastian that I wasn’t doing anything for others, that I wasn’t making an impact in the world. He kindly reminded me that it’s ok to take my time — in fact, that I should not rush the process — besides, it had only been a few weeks since I made the biggest change in my life up to now. What’s more, it’s actually amazing to see the progress I’ve made in such a short time. “If you’ve already transformed so much in just five weeks, just imagine what you could achieve in months, let alone years!” So, he helped me to develop the right mindset to not only embrace and continue the process but to even enjoy it.

Every day I discover new methods, tools, and knowledge that help me in this quest of finally being myself. I’ve picked some that are most valuable to me to share them with anyone who is also going through the process of self-discovery. First, these are some books that help me greatly:

Books

• Boundaries — When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
• Will I Ever Be Good Enough — Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride
• The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and Janet Mills
• Practical Optimism: The Art, Science, and Practice of Exceptional Well-Being by Sue Varma

Next, the following quotes are constant reminders for me of the process I’m going through, why I’m doing it, and why it’s crucial to keep going:

Quotes

“For a seed to give birth to life, first it must die.” — Jon Foreman

“If you spend your time chasing butterflies, they’ll fly away. But if you spend your time making a beautiful garden, the butterflies will come.” — Unknown

“All you can lose by being real is something that’s fake” — VisuallyNeeded

“It’s amazing how beautifully a person can bloom once they decide to go no contact with someone who chose to stress them out and fill their heart with confusion.” — R.H. SIN

“Walk away from people who put you down. Walk away from fights that will never be resolved. Walk away from trying to please people who will never see your worth. The more you walk away from things that poison your soul, the healthier you will be.” — Seffsaid.com

“Be who you are, and say what you feel. It’s not being rude, it’s being real.” — seffsaid.com

If video and/or audio content have your preference, I highly recommend these videos and podcasts:

Videos and podcasts

• The One You Feed — Practical Wisdom For a Better Life by Eric Zimmer
• Jordan Peterson: Fix Yourself Before It’s Too Late
• Become Who You’re Afraid To Be | The Philosophy of Carl Jung

In everyday life, you’ll occasionally run into unexpected challenges, fallbacks, and even crises. For these moments, a more immediate, proactive approach is much more helpful than just books or videos. These are some tricks I apply directly whenever I need them:

Helpful, directly applicable methods

• Breathing exercises (for instance, breathe in deeply through your nose for 5 seconds and breathe out completely for 5 seconds)
• Learn to observe and analyse your thoughts and emotions from a distance instead of reacting to them directly. You’ll notice that with practice you become better at rationalising so the negative thoughts and emotions will have less to no power over you
• The “3M Strategy” — Move. Make. Meet.
• Learn to replace negative thoughts with positive ones
• Create a “reverse bucket list” — things you’ve already achieved and experienced
• Let go of perfection and find beauty in imperfection

Apart from the above resources, there are two other crucial things for me as I’m learning to be myself: Time and space — these are invaluable when you’re trying to work on yourself. But it can be more complicated than you might realise to acquire these two things in your life. At least, that’s definitely what I’ve been experiencing.

What About the People You Know?

What many people don’t tell you when you set off on your journey of self-discovery, is that some in your environment won’t like the change in you. It’s likely that they don’t want to give you the time and space you need to explore who you are. I’ve learned that the only way that it will work, is when you claim that time and space that you need for yourself. Don’t expect it to be an easy process. Expect to meet opposition — sometimes from the most unexpected places. You will only succeed by learning to set boundaries. The people who knew you — or, the version of you you were trying to be — got used to how you speak and act. When that suddenly changes it might come as a shock to them. They might not understand why you’re suddenly different. They might require explanations from you about what is going on. Some of them might start asking for the “old you” back. You might start feeling guilty, discouraged, and unsure about the process you’ve started. But this is where you need to be steadfast. If you have a support system like a loyal partner or true friends this could help you greatly in staying committed to becoming who you really are. Surround yourself with positive, patient people who want to see you grow and thrive. People who love you for who you are, not what you do. Be prepared for it that people who were always in your life might not stay once you choose to simply be yourself. They were never there for you but for the person you were trying to be. It’ll be hard at first to let go of people or when they choose to leave by themselves. But in the end, it is necessary to create an atmosphere in which you can fully be and thrive as a person.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel during this process and, above all, give yourself the time that you need. Exploring the real you is not a process that should be rushed. Instead, take your time to fully go through each step of the journey without skipping anything or rushing through the different phases. Remember: Good things take time. Of course, it might not be necessary to drastically cut ties with everyone you know. It’s possible that they just need time to get used to the new situation, just like you need time. You can start by calmly and clearly explaining what you’re going through without getting defensive or offensive. You can set clear boundaries for yourself, explaining how important this journey is for you and that you can only achieve your goal if you have the time and space for it. Make clear that it’s not because of anything the other person said or did but simply something that you need to go through. As long as you are open, clear, and honest about your situation, you know you’ve done your part. If the people around you accept the boundaries you propose and keep treating you the same way even as you change, that’s great! If not, those people maybe weren’t supposed to be in your life in the first place — as hard as it may be to accept — and you’re probably better off without them anyway. But however it goes with the people around you, that’s something you can give time as well. Maybe at first it will seem like you’ve lost (almost) everyone around you. You can just keep focusing on you for now. Those who do care about you will come back. And if no one does, don’t worry! One exciting thing I’ve discovered about being myself is that you start attracting new people who are just right for you. They will notice your authenticity, your realness, and they’ll want to find out more about it. I’ve had more meaningful, real connections with people these past months than during the first 30 years of my life and I know you will too! So, I can’t promise that you won’t lose anything during the process of becoming yourself but what you’ll gain will be infinitely more and better — more than you can probably imagine right now.

Regarding your social environment, the people around you, there’s one quote that came to my mind that really rings true for me:

“When a flower doesn’t bloom you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.” — Unknown

The importance of surrounding yourself with the right environment is something I’ve become very aware of this year. You can compare it to a plant that also needs to be in the right conditions in order to grow and bloom. It’s the same for us: The people around us have a great impact on us, so we’ll want to surround ourselves with positive people who are like we aspire to be. Like that, we can grow together and keep moving towards the best version of ourselves.

A Work in Progress

As for me, I know I’m definitely not there yet but I keep taking steps in the right direction. I keep watering myself and I’ll make sure to turn towards the sun. I’ll keep nurturing the garden of my soul. It’s a work in progress which I’ve simply learned to enjoy. Not only are people around me getting to know the real me, I’m also constantly getting to know new things about myself. For me, the most surprising discovery might be this: I like me. Once you reach that point, where you can say, “Hey, I’ve never had this before, but I think I actually love myself.”, that’s when you know you’ve come a long way. All I can say is, “Keep going, keep being!”