To tell you my story, we have to go back to 2006 where it all began. Me a naive and innocent 18 year old with no real idea of how the world really worked; Fed into the notion that I would meet my prince charming and we would live happily ever after. Not so much the Disney fairy tale but just a cultural belief that this was just how the world worked.
This is the story of my bout with severe depression and a longing to be free from it. I want to warn you first that the story is true and that it may contain triggering words. Please read at your own risk. This doesn't end in tragedy. There is a silver lining in all this.
I love the silence. The absence of all noise around me, all but maybe the occasional chirping of a bird, or the quiet shift of my feet on rock or grass as I sit in my own silent world. It is only in nature and nature alone, that I find what it is I am continuously searching for. It is only with the heavy thickness of a valley meadow, or the thin, whispering atmosphere of a rocky peak, or merely the dampness of a forest floor after a fresh rain as if the earth itself was filled like a sponge with the waters of the heavens, thus dulling out all the noises, all the distractions; the entire cacophony is still.
Around this time last year, I was sitting down with a lady for a brief psych assessment, to figure out whether not I needed a full one. I was really nervous. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Part of me was worried she was going to tell me I was indeed crazy and everything that’s happened with me was all my fault. When she asked me why I was here, all I could do was point to the section of the paper I filled out: “I tried to kill myself recently”.
Depression keeps you up all night like insomnia, Having you look around your room thinking outrageous thoughts that you don’t want to think, Hoping and waiting for you not to make it through the night and waits to crush your soul into a million pieces and takes over your body like you are nothing… It waits to be successful so much and it isnt fair. You feel like the whole world is against you and judging you because you disconnect your self from the world and people make it seem like that is not okay. Mental health is important to everyone and it should be healthy, But for some reason, it never is, which is the problem a lot of us face, We let the bad things control our mind and body and let it haunt us forever and that cant happens no longer. I can’t tell anyone what to do or how they should do it, I can just tell someone how I think because at the end of the day I am not calling the shots, The person is… Everyone goes through things that they can’t control and a lot of people must learn that not everything is in control for them nor is being perfect, You can’t be a perfect person and you can’t try because there is always going to be something or someone standing into the way to break that down and you have to accept it. One of the lessons everyone needs to learn is to Face your problems, As much as a lot of people hate that idea, It is the truth, Face the problem coming your way because running from it only makes it worse for your self and others around you if you allow it. I might be younger then most people but I understand exactly how most people feel. You have to learn to remove the toxic things in life especially for your mental state before it becomes permanent because it can if you let it take over. Don’t keep going through the same lessons over and over again, Do right the second you get another chance because the more you keep going through it the harder it becomes. Learn to believe in your self and learn to cherish the things that come your way no matter how big or small it is, Be grateful for it because it can be a blessing waiting to be fulfilled. Whenever you feel down, do things that make you happy because it can help calm you down and make you free. You don’t always need someone to be around to make you happy, Don’t depend on ANYONE for your happiness unless you have found your own and that takes time too. Don’t rush to be happy, Don’t rush to succeed, or rush to fulfill your dream. You have all the time in the world, so use it and use it Wisley, and don’t waste it. When things don’t go your way, try not to be mad, take that and learn from it because it’s not going to always be about you and you’re not going to always win battles, Learn from your mistakes, don’t relive them. Don’t push the ones who care about you because you are afraid, Learn to slowly let them in and trust them to a certain distance. Don’t hurt others for your benefit and don’t get revenge to feel good on your self because karma is going to come when it’s ready for the ones that have done you wrong. Fulfill your dreams and goals and do not let anything get in the way
Once upon a time, there was a girl who believed in love. As a little girl, she dreamed of the man who would one day love her, and the children they would have, the beautiful wedding and the house that they would build with their own two hands.
Two summers ago I came home from my first year at college. I rode the train from Chicago to New Orleans with my mother, while my father took the interstate with all of my belongings. The day we left, there was a palpable tension between my parents, mostly from my father. I thought that once I got back home and settled in, we would all be alright.