Internal Battle

Hello. My name is Brittany and I am currently 22 years old. I want to talk about the reason why I started sharing my work on Vocal. For several years I have battled anxiety and depression. Which is worse, I am not sure. Sometimes they work together, and other times it’s as though they’re working separately. Every single day is a struggle. Some days are worse than others, and some days are relatively good days. Most days are normal. Normal for me is something I wish nobody would ever have to experience especially daily. Everything I write is inspired by my own personal experiences. I want to share these in the hopes that maybe they will reach someone who desperately needs to know that they are not alone.

Living with depression is a horrible and terrifying experience. Not everybody experiences things the same way, so your experience with depression may be the exact opposite of mine. My battle with depression has lead me to do things I am not proud of. I have been suicidal for years, and have harmed myself more times than I care to count. I have even tried to end my life. I became addicted to the feeling of the cold metal against my flesh. I would hit points so low that I felt as though I couldn’t breathe if I didn’t use the blade. The pain became a comfort for me. I relied on it to prove to me that I was still alive.

Adding anxiety on top of that only made things worse. It was as if I was fighting a battle only I could win, but I could only lose. The combination of these two things made me feel worthless and unlovable. I hated myself and I hated the feelings I felt. How could anybody love someone who doesn’t know how to love herself?

I found that accepting these things as a part of who I am was the first step to learning how to cope. I learned how to love myself and found that there are things worth living for. When I feel down and like all hope is gone, I remind myself of the things I love: family, friends, pets, hobbies, whatever it may be that I love or have a passion for. Living for these things that I hold dear to my heart brings me a much needed sense of peace.

I am currently 1 year clean from the blade. I am so proud of myself for how far I have come, and I know there’s still a long road ahead. I started writing when I decided to put down the blade. Writing has been my escape and the perfect way for me to express myself. I’m not the best at talking about my feelings or asking for help when life gets hard, but I can write it. Once it is written down I can show that to somebody and use it as my silent plea for help.

This is why I decided to start sharing my writing. It was a very difficult decision for me, but even though they are all very personal, I wanted to bring comfort to someone who may be going through the same thing. You’re never alone in this world, and you don’t always need a person to confide in. If you don’t have anybody or feel like you don’t trust them enough to bare your soul to them. Find an outlet. Whether it be writing, singing, painting, photography, or any other hobby or passion, use that as your confidant. I promise it’ll never tell a soul without your permission.