Universal Agony

I haven’t been able to write much lately. I have this thing… a thing that is weighing on my chest. It feels like a truck, or maybe a slab of glacier.

Responsibility.

The obligatory kind.

The kind that leaves no room for creative endeavors. The soul sucking kind that drives a person day to day to slowly kill themselves at tasks that make them hate the world. This is a rant.

It’s not intended to convey deep meaning. It's just a plug, pulled to siphon off some of the ooze that my brain is saturated in right now. Brain soup… It’s all soft in there and not really the tasty kind today. Soggy, you know. Like it marinated too long and now it all just falls apart.

Life is feeling like that. One minute I’m superwoman holding up the world and then I’m just dirty and beautifully fucked up with no superpowers at all and no will to change things.

Then again, I’m an artist so the ups and downs are normal. Normal is a crazy sort of standpoint anyway. It is relative to circumstance and dependent on a whim of good fortune. Normal can either bring you up or kill you. It’s a state of mind that filters into the lens covered reality you make. The pauper can experience their normal with a smile while the millionaire scowls. It really doesn’t matter what’s going on, it's how we respond to it.

So today… I am digressing a bit.

I am stewing and marinating for too long.

Soggy thought waves, splutter on the page of my imagination like a sponge in paint.

It’s a slow kind of death right now.

The good thing about art is that it makes you feel something. Numb isn’t an option. Numb is the absence of that something…

So, as long as art is happening, in whatever capacity, at least feeling is taking place. Feeling is a stirring within that gets us pumped. Like a bike pump… exactly like a bike pump even, where you are jamming up and down on it, filling air into the vessel until it has no choice but to stay full. Art does that. It fills us up. Even when we feel deflated, even when we feel defeated. Yep. This is a rant.

Don’t be all sad though. It’s a rant, but among all the moist thoughts, there’s some solid grounded thoughts going on beneath it. It’s not all swampy, just a flood, just a crumbled cookie in the cosmic milk cup. Beneath it is a real stable thing. No. Not the one sitting on my chest. The thing beneath that…

The one holding me up.

That thing that no one can take, and no one can see. It’s the thing that never leaves and is never visible when you need it most.

It’s that thing that you can see in a person's eyes even when they feel broken. Or in the smile of a baby even though they might not know why they are smiling.

It’s in everything.

No. It’s not the force, you geeked out, game playing, dork of a nerd.

But it could be compared to that.

Yep. This is definitely a rant…

And it’s working.

I look up at the clouds and just sit in this. Waiting. Just breathing into the Universe my sheer presence. I’ve got my “I don’t give a shit” hat on while I continue to pursue the tasks that, at the moment, have no meaning for me.

I just wait in the pain, the discomfort for a moment longer. It’s not like I live here. Just taking a hiatus from Joy. It’s overrated…

Alright. This is too long.

Take a seat. Take a breath. Life is gonna keep going with or without us. The planet will make it’s revolutions. The bunnies will fuck in the Spring. The sun will shine. And I’m gonna sit here and breathe into the clouds for a moment longer because I know that no matter what I’m going through, I got that one thing…

And I’m not afraid of this feeling right now.

It’s heavy. Yeah. But I also know how to fly.