Bare Branches

As I was driving home from town earlier this month, I suddenly noticed that the trees had no leaves on them. It struck me in surprise, because the last time I had noticed them, the trees were just beginning to turn colors. Time had slipped right past me, and I had flowed right along for the ride, never once paying attention to where I was going - not even lifting my head one time from what I was doing to look at the beauty of my surroundings and my favorite season. Looking back, I realize that the social media/internet break I had planned had turned into a walking fugue state.

Back in October, I wrote a poem called Battered, which took a lot out of me. I put a lot of myself into the poem, and for the first time in thirty-two years, allowed others to have a glimpse into a life that I have led. In a way, it was like ripping a huge Band-Aid off and exposing all my gaping wounds for everyone to see. Even myself.

The flood of memories that hit me was like a tsunami, a mixture of good and bad. It didn't take long before I was overwhelmed with suppressed experiences from my family life. I shut down, only associated with my daughters and my divorce lawyer because I had to (ashamed to say...) Didn't run any errands and only went to the doctor because I had to. I shut my mind down completely, blocking out the memories.

Sad to say, it isn't like I didn't know that I was floating along in this fugue-like state. I haven't done this in a long time, but I've been known to shut down when my stress, emotional, or mental levels have gotten too much for me to handle, effectively becoming a living robot. I'm usually good at keeping things under control, though, fending away the mental fog.

Honestly, I understand why I shut down. A lot has happened since October 2024; my world has been completely turned over. Beginning with my mother's death and ending with my final decision that I was done with my husband and moving out with my daughters. My emotions have been on a rollercoaster, without any stops.

On top of it all, I asked the doctor to start lowering one of my mood pills, thinking that since I wasn't with my husband anymore, my anxiety levels would lower. MISTAKE!!!! This added to my dissociative condition! Within days, I lost all focus. I just didn't care about anything outside my little circle anymore. And my circle was getting smaller and smaller.

I was able to keep my ground, though. I was able to hold on. My sanity stayed intact through it all. There were pinpricks of light that drew me from the fog, reminding me that I have a life to live outside of the mist in my mind.

Those lanterns that drew me like a moth to their flame would appear just when I needed them most. Even if all they wrote was "hi" and that they miss me, it was enough to remind me there was a life outside of the mind haze. I just had to find my way out of it.

My daughters and my best friend

Also:

Dharr

Caitlin

Ruth

Just because I haven't gotten online to write anything for Vocal doesn't mean I wasn't productive, though. Even in my haziness, I was still thinking of snippets to write down, storing them away for later. I was also doing twice the amount of cooking that I had been doing previously, since, surprisingly, food tastes better since my separation from my husband. Most astonishing to me was that I was able to pick up a crochet hook again, after over 25 years, and begin a scarf for my youngest daughter. Did I finish the scarf? Not yet, since I've had to stop every time my hands began to hurt. But I've completed a good portion.

All this activity really amazes me, honestly. I don't remember coming up with half the story ideas, but the notes are in my handwriting. I'm cooking things I've never cooked before, without a recipe. The scarf? Half the stitches I don't recall hooking together. I was in a zombie-like state, floating in and out of the mist.

I'm nowhere near my normal self. I know this. I've a long road out of the fog that enveloped my mind. My old normal will never be my new normal, after all. My life has undergone a complete change over the last year. Instead of breaking me, though, this change has only given me depth of character and strength.

Thank you always for all of your support, my Vocalite friends. All of you are awesome!