2 Things You Don’t Say to Someone Who Is Depressed

Depression is a prevalent issue worldwide. However, how prevalent in the United States? In 2020, it was estimated that about 21 million adults and 4.1 million adolescents (NIMH) suffered at least one major depressive episode.

Depression can be a difficult topic to talk about and it's too easy for people to misinterpret what others say. It's hard for many people and it can be subtle. Depression, in general, is an illness that requires treatment and support. You should feel like you're not alone but rather have all the resources available to help you through this difficult time! Those with depression know when this is the case, which can add to the burden, generating thoughts like, "Look at how uncomfortable people get around me."

The unfortunate reality is that people with depression are constantly being told they're experiencing an unfair hardship. While they may see the intentions of the speaker, it can be hard to hear from another person how much someone is struggling day-to-day. In turn, the depressed person feels further alienated, which does anything but bring about wellness.

If you know someone who is depressed or work in an environment where you encounter depressed individuals, these phrases to avoid are the equivalent of dropping a bombshell or ostracizing and alienating them. And so instead, here are alternative ideas that will help talk to them about it in a productive way.

1. "What do you have to be depressed about?"

There is a popular culture misconception that being depressed is "about" something. This kind of mood isn't always a reaction to bad encounters. Depression occurs around any number of factors and doesn't always present in a straightforward manner. Sometimes it can occur due to genetics and maladaptive coping methods, like how an abrasive relative "poppin' in" can lead to feelings of depression. Melancholic depression is an especially difficult time to live, with many symptoms from feeling sad, irritable or restless. It emphasizes a sense of hopelessness that can make it hard to carry on with day-to-day life. Depressed phases in Bipolar Disorder are similar and also cause immense pain for the person who is experiencing them.

It is important to not invalidate or be dismissive with those who are feeling depressed. Happy couples could help them see a brighter, more hopeful future and validate the feelings they have. We can't simply switch off how we think about something to improve our mood. As a result, it's impossible to provide a switch-based solution.

Some people might argue that humans are not inherently equipped to remember reset passwords or change apps under stress, but the good news is that there are a lot of tools you can use. There might be a problem with an underlying schema that has developed early on in life that is contributing to your depression during moments of stress (i.e., "The more I try, the worse outcomes are. This latest hectic failure is just another sign that I am not good enough").

The chances are that even if the person seems to have a life together, they might have a long answer to "What do you have to be depressed about?". That's just because someone has a facade of seeming togetherness, but that doesn't mean they are not hurting on the inside.

The alternative: Instead of asking someone what might have been causing them to be in a depressed state, consider just opening a conversation with acknowledgement. For example, "Hey, I know you haven't been feeling your best lately." I want to stop by and see if I can help you with anything. I hope that wasn't too much of an inconvenience." Such a statement is friendly, validating, and therefore inherently supportive.

2. "Just snap out of it!" or "Think happy thoughts!"

In reality, it's not as easy to snap out of depression as they make it seem. There are a lot of factors that can contribute to the state of depression and these types of comments can cause some people who may be struggling.

"Just think happy thoughts" sounds like it should be a direction to take, but even if that were the case, negative feelings would still exist. For many people, cognitive therapy plays an important role in understanding how thoughts and feelings intertwine with the mind. This can help them develop strategies to combat feelings of depression and anxiety. The content of "thoughts that matter" is more extensive than just thinking happy thoughts.

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They're supposed to think of some things make them happy, even if they're not at the moment. But maybe it's not working to make that happen because it's associated with what they don't have on the horizon right now. Further, the cause of negative thought patterns can be attributed to situations of depression. However, it would not be effective to try and change a thinking situation that stems from cognitive / neurovegetative effects as they are difficult to overcome.

The alternative: If you don't have time to talk about what it's like for you, then you could share some thoughts on how to improve the situation.

One example is, "What's been helpful in trying to manage it all?" As taught in solution-oriented psychotherapy, getting someone to realize they're at least doing something to keep it from being worse than it has to be can feel empowering, as it provides a semblance of control over the situation.

Another approach is to reach out and reassure them and let them know they have a support network. This isn't to say you've got their problems solved, but rather reminding them that you're available (in a non-patronizing manner).