Dyspraxia: I'm Not Clumsy, Inanimate Objects Just Hate Me...
Hello people, I am hopefully going to share some insight into my life as a Dyspraxic. So let's start off with some terminology.
What is Dyspraxia?
Dyspraxia is a condition which affects the fine and gross motor skills. Dyspraxics can find difficulties in simple tasks such as self-care, writing, typing, riding a bike, organisation, planning, time management, memory, speech and thought as well as educational and recreational activities.
So for example, today, like most days, I start off by making a cup of coffee- a simple task for anyone, right? Wrong! I have to do it in a very particular order or else my mind would wander. While the kettle boils I would day dream and then end up having to re-boil, as I've forgotten that I have already boiled it- in short, it's boilception. So I tend to stick to my routine; first, I press the boil button, then get the coffee out of the cupboard, then the cup, sugar and milk. I put two spoonfuls of coffee and sugar in and when that's done, I know that the kettle is boiled. This is just a simple way for me to help myself remember the smallest of tasks.
We are also inclined to experience exhaustion, muscle pain/weakness, joint pain/weakness, severe anxiety (and more mental health issues such as depression) as well as the inability to concentrate any longer than a goldfish.
Last Night's Adventures
Dyspraxics suffer from mental health issues as aforementioned. Yesterday I received my results from my portfolio for university. The result was less than satisfactory for my anxiety-ridden brain to comprehend and thus resulted in my landing in meltdown territory.
A meltdown, in this case, isn't just someone crying on the floor because they cannot get what they want. A meltdown is having a severe anxiety attack as well as a tiny little voice in my head whispering just loud enough for me to hear, "You're not good enough," "You should kill yourself," "You're a failure," "You can't do this, you're stupid, you're ugly, you're fat, you're a slut," "everyone is better than you," "everyone hates you and talks about you," "you have no friends." And that's just to name a few. These thoughts repeating over and over in my mind causes me to suffer heart palpitations and makes me dizzy. I shake all over and I am freezing. I feel like I need to hide from myself- but there is no way to do that.
I hate meltdowns, and try to avoid them at all costs. I do have my strategies to defend against a meltdown. Usually it's my partner, because he always whispers a little louder than the voices in my head that he loves me and that, "you're safe sweetie." Another is the basket- putting a basket over my head helps a lot.
Anyways, back to last night's adventure. I did have a meltdown but luckily it wasn't until my partner came in. I do still feel a little doubt about my capabilities, but that will go away with time.
This morning I had to pack most of my things away, as I have to move back in with my parents. Regular breaks took the edge off my constant exhaustion, which results from my inability to concentrate on a simple task for longer than a few seconds. Done and dusted, now, for the rest of the day I have a lovely reminder of my hard work in the form of painful joints and sore muscles- whooooo dyspraxia sure is fun sometimes...
Now to add more to my day, I have had to drive. Don't get me wrong, I love driving, but my dyspraxia does not. Having to concentrate for that length of time is scary and makes me sore.
Getting home was fun, but I know now that for the rest of this weekend my routine is going to change.
This is an exhausting day, it may not seem like it to non-dyspraxics, but it is. I try not to get down about it. This is what an average day is like, even if for others it seems like nothing. Imagine working out at the gym or going for a swim for 5 hours with no breaks- that is what dyspraxia feels like- a lack of concentration due to the overwhelming exhaustion tugging at your very existence.
I don't have any more to write, as I cannot predict tomorrow's adventures.
I may do these posts as a weekly series because I usually remember the positives more than the negatives.