Behind The Mask

I am 32 years old. My birthday will be in a month and I am currently finding myself reflecting on myself as a person, specificially in relation to my physical appearance. I have given birth to 5 healthy children, suffered over a dozen miscarriages since I was 15, and barely made it through an ectopic pregnancy. I have had two major surgeries, both which have scarred my body. I have multiple scars on my legs and other parts of my body, and though I have been told many times to be happy about these markings, I cannot help but feel self-conscious. Growing up, I was teased that my body was "barbie doll figure." I had no physical scares, stretch marks or popping veins in my legs. I am not even in my 40's and feel as if my once beautiful body is now one of a mom. I take pride in my appearance and it is a difficult thing for me to accept how much it has changed in 15 years. I feel old and at times insecure- in short I feel like I have aged my body so much in such a short amount of time. I am having a difficult time feeling secure in myself-but only with this aspect. I love who I am beyond this. My humor, my personality, and all my quirks are things my friends and my kids love about me. I find myself asking the question, "when did my body change so drastically?" Has it always been this way and I haven't noticed it until now, or has it changed so slightly it was unnoticable? I am not sure what the answer is to this. I know I am not alone in these ridiculous thoughts which plagued my mind for days on end. I know there are others who have insecurities about their appearance. I know it happens to many people who may not want to admit it and hide it from others. I am not looking for others to tell me that my body looks good or that I need to love my mom like appearance. I am searching for answers to questions I haven't fully formed inside my head yet. I am searching for something I don't understand either. How can I find answers and a sense of belonging when I can't seem to find the path or the signs to point me to the right path? What do I need? I could not begin to answer that question--not in one sentence, or paragraph or even one page because I do not yet know. I am not searching for validation as I do not feel it would help much. I am looking for something that goes beyond validation and motivation. I am looking for a way to find peace in the things about myself that I do not like. I am searching for a way to love the things that others believe I should, but I don't. Because they are like tiny monsters in my head, gnawing at my heart and soul, whispering no one could love me with those on my body. As a mother, my children ask all the time what each scar is from and why women get them, or how ugly they are. With the innocence of their questions, the monsters deep inside rise up finding strength in those moments. Why does it matter? Do I really care what others think? Or is it only myself I am doubting? I have always placed such a high value on my physical appearance--always feeling like I was the competition to others. Now I do not feel like I am even close to being in the range of competition. Is this what happens as we age as women? Are there other women who feel this way too? Am I supposed to find acceptance with all of this and place higher value on other qualities about myself? And if so, how do I do this? Tonight I am full of many thoughts, questions and even some doubt about myself as a person. Tonight this is who I AM.