Meme-ing Mad As Hell At Vocal

⚡

I was doing another masterpiece of comedy

when all my work-- like 2 and a half hours worth of work-- suddenly disappeared. I hit some button or combination of buttons and the damn thing SAVED in tatters.

This...

That wasn't the original title. 👆 Obviously.

But I did blame Vocal. I really did.

I mean, who wouldn't blame Vocal in a situation like this?

They're an easy target, right?

So in a huff, I wrote this. 👇

That's 👆 a computer-generated image of me in a huff.

I wasn't surprised that story received praise from you all.

Everyone hates Vocal.

Right? Am I right?

Of course I'm right.

I have my finger on the pulse of the people.

You know what I think we should do?

You have no clue what I'm thinking so I'll tell you.

I think we should start spreading conspiracy theories about Vocal. Wouldn't it be fun to say that Vocal is responsible for COVID?

Here's one.

Vocal is actually a front for foreign terrorists-- like from Monaco or Liechstenstien-- and they are in the process of overthrowing world governments as we speak, intent on ruling the world, and the entire purpose of Vocal is to keep us busy because we are the only ones smart enough to both detect it and then lead a revolution against it.

That's not just plausible, that's self-congratulatory.

There's always aliens too. Aliens are everywhere, you know. Have you seen the latest alien videos just recently recorded?

I'd dig them up on YouTube and post them here but that's a whole other story.

But aliens intent on destroying all human language could use Vocal first to test their process on us. Vocal masks what they are doing but with every Top Story we recieve, a little part of our brain melts.

So. You know.

We should do this and we have to be serious about it. The Humor Community is absolutely the wrong place to do this, if we do it. 01, maybe. Journal?

Yeah. Journal would be good. Or maybe we could even flood FYI.

Oh, yeah! History would be even better. We could pre-date our theories all the way back to Roswell. Or the Loch Ness monster. Whichever.

Anyway....

Vocal screwed me over.

Bastards.

Someone showed me a story from Justin about how Auto-Save is coming.

Yeah. Like I believe that. The Iran War was supposed to end yesterday too, right?

Evil entities manipulate time for their own nefarious ends.

And the way I see it, if we profligate these theories often enough, we'll start to believe them ourselves.

⚡😎👍

So anyway...

I have no clue what I wrote last time. My memory sucks.

I blame Vocal.

They are also responsible for my poor eyesight and my ingrown toenails.

Oh, BTW...

This is what I looked like when my brilliant routine was annihilated ruthlessly by Vocal. 👇

And then I was furious, like....

So anyway...

What I said in the long-lost comedy routine of mine that was tanked by fucking Vocal, I said something at the beginning that I forget. I can only assume it was something about how sexy and funny I am (in that order). I say that so often, it all blurs together. It's like, "Do I really have to mention the obvious again?"

But I did say something.

And it wasn't this. 👆 👇

I seriously have a horrible-ass memory.

I blame Vocal.

🤔

🤔

Oh, I might have also mentioned something about how-- for those of you who have never read my comedy before <what the fuck was wrong with you? > this particular episode of Meme-ing Madness is extra-long.

It's my gift to you 🫵 since I have done one of these things in a long while.

I've been busy, you know. I've been entering a lot of challenges recently. And the challenges pay way better than getting measly Top Stories for my humor.

I go where the money is, baby.

⚡ 😎👍

But the Humor Community will always be my home. I know I'm a God here and I welcome your adulation. And finally <glaring at Justin> finally Vocal has that a humorous challenge soon so I'll be working on my Apology soon (for the challenge. Not an apology to Vocal for calling them bastards.)

So here's your memes.

Obviously.

If you've made it this far, you're already a few minutes into it. The glory of my shit is you can bail at any time, when your side has split, and then come back another day for more! It's basically a series of jokes to be consumed at your own laughter rate.

Don't strain yourself.

Some things never age. <me>

We Pause for a PUBLIC SERVICE SUGGESTION

You'll enjoy yourself more fully if you read this in the nude.

And even if you don't, I'll enjoy knowing I talked you out of your skivvies.

⚡😁👍

I should mention also that some of the memes presented today might have previously been shown to you in past editions of meme-ing madness.

I have epilepsy that wreaks (reaks? reeks?? reiks???) havoc on my memory so I might have published some of these before and forgot.

But fuck it.

Some memes might be old, but I'll likely come up with a different joke this to cap off the repeats. And my funny quips are the real attraction here anyway.

Am I right?

So let me think? Is that it?

🤔

🤔

Oh, wait!

Disclaimers!

I used to write them all out at the beginning of every episode of this shit but it just takes forever to WARN you.

Instead, here ya go....

Knock yourself out.

If you do not read those WARNINGS 👆, you could end up falling in love with me (probable), or you could be irradiated (possible), or you could be afflicted with autism (not likely but not impossible). If that happens You Can't Blame Me.

All the WARNINGS are right there for you to read.

This isn't like the warnings on those pharmaceutical commercials on TV. These WARNINGS are real dangers to all, not just people with leprosy.

READ THEM! 👆 ⚡

Okay.

I think that's it for the pre-game.

Let's get started!

⚡😁👍

Standard expected opening begins now....

⚡ Hello again! 👋😁

It's me: __Lightning Bolt⚡.

I hope you're well!

I hate Vocal.

Usually, I write, like, this long intro with stellar comedy, good for at least 15 and a half laughs.

But since you are all starving for these things (a friend here on Vocal actually requested I write this) and since I already wrote all that shit before this opening, I'll just get right to the hilariousness!

Here we go!

🎉🎊🎆🎇✨🥇🪄🔔🌮🎆🎇🎉🎊

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#1)⇶ —Feeling Wacky Quacky

The first time he came in, he had a cover over him.

When the old people saw a duck-in-a-cover they all dropped to the floor and covered their heads like it was the Cold War again.

That single duck costs that small business a 60% lost in revenue.

Tariffs cost it another 39%.

They're barely staying afloat.

Yet another reason to hate that bird. It's like he's mocking them.

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#10)⇶ —Feeling Foul

Mine would be more like...

If you think I give a pigeon shit what cock-a-doodle-cocksucker-like-you is doing with your fucked-up peacock-feathered ass, with all that internal rancid weasel meat in your gut.... you got another set of low-hanging balls coming!

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#3)⇶ —Feeling Ready to Fuck ~normal~

This is especially true when I'm writing world-class comedy that disappears.

Fuck Vocal.

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#4)⇶ —Feeling Connected

That's one 2

Three 4s

Five 6s

and seven 8s.

That password is almost as easy as the password for the kindergarten WiFi...

6 7 6 7 6 7 6 7 6 7.

My WiFi name is Big Daddy B. That's not a joke.

My password is 69 69 69 69 69 69.

Yeah, it's to figure out if you know me, but I don't care. I welcome all hacking attempts by babes.

Come for my hard drive!

😈

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#5)⇶ —Feeling Like I Got Wood ~normal~

Self-defense, my ass.

That's how the mild-mannered carpenter named Wood Pedestal turns into the brutal ass-kicking superhero called Night Stand!

His sidekick is Nightlight. Her secret identity is Timber Tits.

Together, they fight the Forces of Darkness!

And woodpeckers.

There is some controversy, though, about whether or not they are heroes or villains because of their methods.

Nightlight blinds thugs and Nightstand beats the shit out of them with that baseball bat, until they are bleeding from every orifice.

Then they call it a night and ride off in the Tylenol PM-mobile to the Nighty-Nighty Cave to have fly-by-night sex.

As an ex-superhero myself, I have to say that while all this may seem questionable, don't judge them until you've walked a mile in their wooden shoes.

Do you think they could be Dutch?

🤔

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#6)⇶ Feeling Hounded by the Past

That👆 was written by one of my ex-lovers.

The handwriting is really familiar, but I have so many fawning old flames, I can't quite place it.

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#7)⇶ Feeling Grown ~normal~

Worse--

No matter how much you've learned and grown as a writer, Vocal is so worthless and weak you're apt to have all your best stories blasted into the stone age, all because they part of the Illuminati, purposedly trying to eradicate auto-save from the entire world.

I hate Vocal.

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#8)⇶ Feeling Bootylicious

'Call' and 'Dial' are not necessarily the same thing.

A "call" is short for "catcall"-- and it's also what birds do. For both species it's basically screaming to get laid.

Dial is soap.

This meme makes little sense.

I blame Vocal.

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#9)⇶ —Feeling Like I Might Be Going Down a Rabbit Hole

Males of every species have trouble measuring size.

<Except me>

⚡_____ ⚡ ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#10)⇶ — Feeling Like Barbie Isn't Fooling Anyone With that Disguise

She just thinks it's a bird's nest because she's never seen a real man. She's used to Ken's blank crotch.

Plastic doesn't grow hair.

She wears a wig!

Bitches.

Always criticizing men's dangle-downs.

Not that I would know personally.

< Side Note-- that is exactly the same expression Pam Bondi had when she finally opened the Epstein files.>

Speaking of pathetic crotches...

We all knew that his dick is miniscule.

That's a tragedy that can't be blamed on Vocal.

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#11)⇶ Feeling Well Endowed

This is not so much a problem as a potential indecent exposure violation.

And that "violation" is only a problem if the cops are hetero guys or lesbians.

Otherwise, I'm confident in my ability talk my way out of an arrest.

⚡_____ ⚡ ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#9)⇶ — Feeling Like Facebook is in League with Vocal

People getting pissed off because of my posts is nothing new to me. I'll just take Melissa and Angie to the bedroom-- preferably at the same time-- and un-offend them.

⚡😉

⚡_____ ⚡ (●'◡'●) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#10)⇶ —Feeling Nostalgic

Whatever happened to Fanny?

I mean.... seriously.

Whatever happened to Fanny??????

Does anyone have her cellphone number because I'd love to catch up with her.

😈

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#11)⇶ —Feeling Sorry For These Worthless Schmucks

Epilogue

He ordered DoorDash.

She blamed Vocal for his lousy performance.

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

A PRIVATE SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Actually, you picked me by subscribing and/or reading this.

Same difference.

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#12)⇶ —Feeling Like This is Why I Prefer Mountain Dew

Hey, Justin and whoever else is reading this from Vocal! You want some lemonade?

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

Okay. That's enough comedy for one sitting.

That's a whopping 12 memes.

.... plus Helpful Info for You & Your Kin!

And I've had a rough few days.

I am on edge pretty much constantly right now (Truth). I haven't connected all the dots yet... but I'm certain Vocal is responsible for the turmoil I've been going through with my fucked-up relationship.

I hate Vocal.

So I will return sometime soon, but I'm signing off for n....

Good fucking God! I really thought I was going to get through one episode of Meme-ing Madness without the friggin DON'T sign showing up!

I should erase this whole damn story out of protest!

Okay.

That was a bad idea, because this comedy is stellar. But it is time to go back to writing something meaningful, like my developing apology for the Sorry About That challenge.

I'm going where the money is!

Since when do you say something other than DON'T?!?

You can't tell me what to do, ya damn DON'T sign!!!

Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to be this talented?

I'll stop being a comedic genius whenever I want to!

DAMMIT!

Okay, I won't.

<sigh>

⌁ ⌁ ( ˘︹˘ ) ⌁ ⌁

Just a few more memes to satisfy all you greedy fuckers.

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#13) — Feeling No Need for Anything But Maybe Some Taco Bell

Everyone needs more of me...z

Even though I barely fit as it is/

↯‿︵‿︵Why is this meme a talking desert?

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#14)⇶ —Feeling Like This Was Already Settled

Ass = *both* 'staring into' and 'screaming into' <based on the context>.

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#15)⇶ —Feeling Well Endowed ~again and always

This seems like a trick question to me.

🤷

You all answer this question in the comments so I can figure out what's going on here.

Ladies first.

⚡️😉👍

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#16)⇶ —Feeling Well Endowed

Clearly that's a face, with a grimacing mouth, and two eyes forever burned by the images it saw from when it was previously erected on Epstein's island.

It's another WARNING.

It means,

TRAUMA AHEAD!

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#17)⇶ —Feeling More Knowledgeable than Most

Nintendo did not write a book of the Bible although he was a prophet with joy-cons.

I think his last name was Nintendo and his first name was Mario.

A game, a book of the Bible, and a band?

🤔

I think the correct answer is Dick Van Dyke.

⚡😁👍

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

#18)⇶ —Feeling Smoky 😶‍🌫️

Human traits evolve as part of the survival instinct. It's no surprise this particular trait developed simultaneously with language.

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

Alright.

That's enough.

I need to publish this and get stoned.

FUCK YOU, DON'T SIGN!

I'll bet you are the one responsible for Taco Bell removing Meximelts from their menu.

Either you or Vocal.

Have I mentioned I hate Vocal?

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

A FINAL PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

And there's always the possibility you're harboring penguins.

<just keeping it real>.

⚡_____ ⚡ (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿) ⚡ _____ ⚡

Oh My God!!

Speak of the Devil(s)!!!!

That's it! I don't care how much you Vocalites whine and clamor for more memes, or how hard the DON'T sign tries to shame me for not being more prolific,

When the penguins show up, I'm outta here!!!!

I'll be back soon with more laughs.... provided I survive these bitches' cold-hearted Oreo attack.

↯

_____________________Bolt ⚡

Dedicated to Oneg.