The "Key" To "Finding Real Love."

Hello you lovely human. 

Thanks for clicking on my article. Some of you are reading this because you're healing a heartache. Some of you are a little lonely. Some of you are here because you saw the title and wanted to come to scorch me for whatever bullshit I'm going to say. Or some of you are genuinely hoping for some kind of answer- a simple but kind of magical explanation for your love problems. 

Sorry, beautiful soul. There's no such thing. 

Love is… complicated. I have learned that good love, lasting love, feels easy- but it's surprisingly complex under the surface. And let's be real, no two couples have the same dynamic in their relationship as everyone else. 

The bad news is my loves… is there is no magical answer to finding love or fixing your relationship. Nothing anyone writes is ever going to be a step-by-step guide on how to find your lifelong soulmate. No one is going to be able to write you into finding your person. As someone who has once felt incomplete, and wished for that 'missing piece,' I'm sorry to burst your bubble. 

I'm going to tell you something - anyone who doesn't know you isn't going to be able to give you sound, meant-just-for-you love advice. As a relationship blogger, I'm going to tell you: I was besties with my soul mate for almost two whole decades before we were both like: "Oh… hey! Duh!" He and I both went through deadbeat and somewhat traumatic marriages, kids with people who 'weren't the one,' and we were in love for like 10 years before we both got the balls to admit it. So, needless to say - I'm not the person to tell you how to identify your soulmate. And I can safely say: You don't want any of these people who type like they know what they are talking about to give you advice either. All of us are just as damaged, traumatized, broken, and dumb about love as you. 

I hope that makes you feel better… not worse… 

There is only one thing that I can say in terms of finding that person that you will love more (or hate less) than everyone else that may surprise you: you're only going to find them when you stop looking so hard. When love finds you - it's usually inconveniently when we are happiest on our own. 

And in honesty - it is not fair to future lovers for them to have to deal with the baggage people create when we're desperate for validation and purpose. The best way to find the person who matches your vibrations is to become someone ready for that easy, but complex forever-long relationship. It would be a shame to let love slip away because you weren't your best self when they made themselves known to you.

How do you prepare yourself for your future forever lover?

In honesty- my fiancé and I say all the time that the reason we didn't get together sooner is we still had a lot to learn before becoming people worthy of the other and the kind of love we have. And we always say: better late than never. Looking back, there were a few things that were necessary before I would be able to make a happy, lasting relationship for myself, no matter who it was. 

Each of these was a long task, that required a lot of self-improvement and working on myself, which may seem counter-intuitive to finding someone else to love (or someone to love you) but I PROMISE these are LIFE CHANGING. In all the best ways - not only will this help you be in a good space for your next relationship, but improve your quality of life in general. 

Be your true genuine self - shed all pretenses and facades.

I think Matt Mercer from Critical Role said it best during a live Q&A with an audience. A woman stood up, took the mic, and said: "I'm looking for advice. One of my goals in life is to find the most awesome wife." He laughed, looked over at Marisha Ray (his wife), very visibly blushed, and said: "Prepare for disappointment. I don't even know how this happened!" The audience laughed and 'awed.' And then he said something along the lines that said: 

"Honestly. It sounds so hackney, but be yourself. Because the perfect person, the most awesome person is the person who is going to appreciate you for all of your weirdness, your idiosyncrasies, quirks, and your frustrations. And your anxieties, depressions, and all the things that come with being a human being. And you want to make sure you don't hide those aspects. You want to find somebody who's going to see you as a full picture and say: Yeah. Let's go ahead and spend the rest of our lives together."

See the actual video clip here - 3 minutes, worth every second. 

There is no better way to articulate this. If you want to find a lasting love, and you walk around pretending to be someone or something you're not - you're not going to find this person who is going to love and accept you for who you are. You can't hide vital bits of yourself, and expect an open, honest, healthy relationship to fall in your lap. If you are walking around behind a metaphorical mask - and someone falls in love with your mask - they are loving someone who doesn't exist. And so when that mask comes off, that person is left feeling betrayed and lied to. 

It doesn't matter who you are. If you are living your life behind a farce - you're not happy. You're not genuine. And you're only attracting negativity and falsities. You are inviting deceit into your life, by burying the true person you are. 

And you can't be loved if no one knows who you truly are. Time to take off the mask, and be true to yourself, so you can find someone just as weird as you. Embrace you that you hide, in all honesty, that's probably the most beautiful part of you.

Be able to be happy on your own. 

Co-dependence is a bitch. And if you are someone who HAS to have a romantic partner to find a purpose in life, then that means you are 'co-dependent.' Now, there is nothing wrong with a little co-dependency. A little bit. Now that my fiance and I are together, and we're settled - we struggle when we are apart. He has business trips out of state, and he also has periods when he goes to see our oldest (well, his oldest, but mine too by proxy, right?) in Texas - and I'm going to admit… we're disgustingly pathetic. Sleeping is hard when apart. 

But! We function. And before we stepped into our relationship we were perfectly happy alone. But I, the author, had a long streak of co-dependent problems before this. I would go from one serious relationship to another - and usually, they were not relationships that were good for me. 

They were abusive, toxic, or manipulative. Not on my end - but because of my fear of being alone, of feeling like I didn't have worth until I had a partner, I went through some seriously crappy crap. And, I'm gonna be real: It was my own damn fault. 

I mean, it wasn't my fault that people mistreated me, but it was my fault for allowing it to happen, over and over, by the same and different people, because I was so reliant on that feeling of needing to be loved.

So. If this sounds like you, I have some bad news. Nothing's going to get better. Not for a while. But the good news is… it can get better. if you work hard. And start setting healthy boundaries. And maybe a little bit of therapy. Most of all: A lot of self-love, self-forgiveness, and learning that being alone isn't so bad - especially if the people you are staying with out of co-dependency are abusive in any way. 

I learned how to be happy on my own - and I learned that it was much easier leaving shitty people behind in the dirt than I thought it was. I learned to respect myself and expect others to respect me as well. I learned boundaries. The word 'no' was a hard one, but even after a while, I got good at saying it to people. 

Co-dependency doesn't have to be a life-long curse. It's just a lot of work. 

Be willing to allow your wounds from the past to heal. 

The most damaging thing we could do to what could potentially be a life-changing relationship is project our insecurities from wounds of the past onto a new partner. 

If that confuses you let me break it down: 

You got cheated on. As a result, you have a hard time trusting. If you start dating someone before that wound has closed, you're going to be suspicious of them. All the time. For no reason. Even when they have never done anything to deserve it. That hurts them, makes them not trust you… and then already you've destroyed one of the most fundamental bases of a good relationship. 

It's not fair for someone who has not yet done you wrong or hurt you to suffer your insecurities because you jumped into something too fast before healing. 

If you want a relationship to last, you're going to have to heal yourself from your past wounds and insecurities. Not all people are willing to be accused of wrongdoings more than once or twice before leaving. And those that are willing to stay are usually trauma-bonded. 

None of it's good. Let that crap from the past go - and don't allow it to ruin your future. 

Be brave enough to have healthy boundaries AND stick to them.

There is a stigma, especially in America, that telling someone you care about "no," is a bad thing. I don't have a simple answer as to why so many of millions of people cannot draw a boundary for themselves and stick to it. 

I know my excuse was: Fear. Traumabond. People would threaten to leave me if I didn't do what they wanted, or put up with whatever they were dishing. Fear of being rejected, fear of being alone, fear of that love getting taken away from me. Trauma responses, I am well aware of. After a LOT of therapy, reading about boundaries, and learning about myself, I found out the most amazing thing in the world. 

Boundaries are good. And anyone who doesn't respect your boundaries can go fondle themselves with a cactus.

I don't care how much I love someone. If they are going to disrespect me, push my boundaries, and ultimately devalue my views and comfort zone, then they do not love me, nor do they deserve my respect and love. - Me to my Shrink years ago on a break through day!

And it is my deepest, most passionate wish that every human comes to realize this.

The first few times, laying down my boundaries to people - especially people I loved was the most terrifying thing I ever did. And there were indeed, a few people that were not used to me having boundaries. There were people on this Earth who thought they could say or do anything to do me, and I would bend over and take it like a good little bitch. 

Well. I got rid of the "good little" in front of that big B word eventually towards the people who devalued me, disrespected me, and shit all over my boundaries. And it was the most elevating feeling I had ever felt. 

Maybe this isn't such a big deal to people as it was to me. But my boundaries were getting crossed on the level of someone slipping Xanax into my drink because I refused to snort or take it. Getting high off of pills wasn't my thing, and he insisted dangerously, that it should be, by literally dousing me in a date-rape style. My boundaries were getting crossed sexually, with absolutely no regard for my past traumas or even my preferences. 

So when I talk about boundaries - and sticking to them, I am speaking about it a bit more passionately than most people realize. Boundaries keep us safe. Boundaries show us who respects us. Boundaries are healthy. And telling people no, even people you love should NEVER be a traumatic experience. And if it is, you need to get those people out of your life.

Be willing to face your flaws and work on improving them.

This shouldn't take much explaining. The truth of the matter is, that we are all flawed. We're all screwed up in some way. None of us are perfect. Not our parents, our children, ourselves, or our heroes. Every single human has flaws. Multiple of them. 

The problem is not all humans realize this. Those are called narcissistic kids. And narcs are not healthy for themselves, their family, or you. They aren't people you want in your life. 

So don't be one. Look in the mirror, and pick something, anything, that you could improve about yourself. And don't dwell on it, don't self-loath over it. Just improve it. Work on it. Intentionally put effort into bettering yourself. 

My flaws are many. I'm oftentimes impatient, pushy, bossy. I tend to spiral into catastrophic anxiety episodes. I am very self-loathing, and still working on letting go of the nonsense of my past. I'm a bedhog and I sweat at night. 

Funny enough, my fiance loves these things about me, because I am aware of them, and I am constantly warring with myself to improve. He thinks I'm perfect in my whirlwind imperfection, and I think he's crazy. But he says that what makes me amazing, is that I try not to let these flaws rule me. In any way I can improve, make myself better, or the world better, I try. I self-reflect, often. And I make an active effort every day to handle my shit better than I did the day before. 

I'm still not sure how to improve my night sweats, but at least I'm working on all the other things. And every human on earth who is striving to be better than they are should do these things. 

Don't expect an epic Disney romance or indulge in soap opera drama.

Like many things in life, love is about balance. I'm going to pull a headshot here and give Disney the stink-eye for all of their older Disney Princess cartoons. Ariel, Aurora, Cinderella, Snow White, Belle, and even Jasmine, I thought you all were my besties as a kid - how could you lead me so wrong? 

First of all, if you think true love is 'love at first sight, married in a week, and a life of adventure saving the world and the kingdoms…" you are unrealistic and I'm going to need to ask you to calm down. Love isn't like that. I honestly do not believe in 'love at first sight.' Of course, that could have something to do with the fact that every man who has used that on me has abused me in some way - BUT! 

The point remains. I don't know anyone, except my mom and dad because they are freaks of nature, who have had a 'love-at-first-sight' happy ending. My (hopefully) happily-ever-after is with a man I was really good friends with for almost two decades before shacking up with him. REAL love takes time. Trust. Communication. Getting to know each other. None of this is realistic with 'love at first sight.' So I'm going to need you to take everything you know about Disney Princess Love Stories… and trash them. 

And any relationship that has more drama than "Days of Our Lives," is 99% sure to be toxic and should end - for everyone's sake and not just the people who have the trauma bond. 

I have found, in the first happy relationship I have ever had, that a healthy relationship is borderline boring. There shouldn't be arguments, there should be communication- with occasional slight disagreements. There shouldn't be any fighting, just discussing things respectfully. 

Life changes when you are with someone who truly respects you, and can communicate with you on your level. So, drop the pretenses and expectations of epic love adventures, and don't dwell in a space where there are more tears and stress than joy and love. 

Love as unselfishly as possible. 

This seems obvious, and it is. But I feel like people need to be reminded that your partner isn't your possession. They are another human being, experiencing both of your life journeys together. 

Selfishness doesn't have a place. Jealousy doesn't have a space. Be as supportive as you can, and lift each other. Don't waste time with envy or possessive feelings. Remember, we're human, so being selfish can't be avoided every time, but as long as we try our best to be as unselfish as possible toward our family and lovers… then we're doing okay. 

The key to finding healthy love is ultimately loving yourself. 

And I don't mean you can't love someone else until you love yourself (that saying is just so damn inaccurate it makes me sick). But until you respect yourself, love yourself, accept yourself, work on improving yourself, and learn how to be happy by yourself, love isn't going to be a pleasant experience with other humans. 

Maybe you didn't respect yourself enough to not allow your partner to take advantage of you in some way. Maybe you were scared you would be left alone. Maybe you just felt you didn't deserve better. 

These are all thoughts and feelings that need to be absent when you go into a relationship… I am not saying that if you work SUPER hard and do all these things your NEXT relationship will be your last… but I am saying, that these things will allow you to recognize when someone is or is not good for you, and if it will work. Being more aware of yourself in a positive manner, will improve your chances of finding someone on your frequency - or at least allow you to be able to pull away from people who are bad for you with ease and recognition. 

I am wishing for all the best for you, beautiful reader. And if you've read this far, know that I appreciate you and I am sending you loving vibrations. 

Good luck, and see you soon!