Love what does it look like? What does it feel like? Is it physical? Is it spiritual? Is it emotional? Why is it that everyone says they want love but are not willing to give it. There are so many relationship blogs and dating coaches who emphasize on knowing yourself worth and making a man work for your love and affections. They say don't show him you care too quick because it will make you look desperate and run him off blah! blah! blah!etc! What if I told you that those blogs and relationship gurus were wrong. The definition of unconditional love is loving someone without conditions and or expectations. The reason we end up hurt and heartbroken because few of us have learn the true principle of loving without expectations. Imagine meeting someone that you think is perfect and you fall in love but its only been 3 months and according to society, your friends, and social media they tell you 3 months is too soon to express your feelings you should make him wait. The person your dating is everything you could of asked for he's charming, handsome, reliable ,respectful and hes doing everything right but because of your expectations and conditions you pull back. Instead of calling him first like you want too. You play games and make him call you all the time. If he sends a text you don't respond right away you make him wait 30 minutes so you wont seem too available. According to society and the standards of what dating is suppose to look like men are considered to be the hunters. Their suppose to chase you and bow down to your every need. Right? The crazy thing about this theory is that the last time I checked men were humans like us. They have fears, anxiety and emotions like we do. What if there shy, what if they never had a father figure to show them how to be in a relationship but they have good intentions. So lets say a day goes by you don't hear from him you let pride get in the way and you don't contact him. Day two comes and goes but you still wont contact him, then day three and then here we are at day four. At this point your anxious and worried that he has ghosted you so you call your friends and they say" if you haven't heard from him in four days hes not the one just leave him alone because if he cared he would of contacted you by now". You go online looking for advice you pull up a page full of titles that say if he hasn't contacted you within this amount of time he's just not that into you. In your gut you know that something isn't right but again he is the man and he is expected to take the lead and chase you. Right? At this point your angry and frustrated that this once charming guy could end up being such a jerk. You think to yourself" who does he think he is, the nerve of him to ghost me! Emotions overwhelm you and you finally get up enough courage to contact him. You dial his number and a strange woman answers the other end of the phone. Instantly your mouth drops and you heart sinks in your stomach and disappointment starts to sets in. That small voice In your mind speaks to you and says" I knew I couldn't trust him he was playing me this whole time I'm so glad I never told him or showed him I loved him". The strange women says hello again. You pause, take a deep breath and brace yourself to hear her say she is his wife or girlfriend and who the hell are you? So you slowly ask for him and when you say his name she says" I'm his sister and I'm so sorry to tell you this but he was killed in a car accident 3 days ago! Your heart starts racing and you just sob hysterically as you hang up the phone. All you can think about is the time you spent with him, his smile, his laugh, his voice, the face he makes when he's nervous. The passion and chemistry you felt and the love you felt in your heart from day one but never told him. You think about how egotistical and prideful you were and how you wished you would of called everyday just to say hi but now you cant because he's gone forever. You think about how stupid you were to play games, make him chase you when there was nothing wrong with your relationship. You just didn't want to look desperate and now your angry that you didn't get a chance to love him every chance you got. The moral of this story is we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Love is suppose to be experienced not controlled by a checklist or by unrealistic expectations. Loving someone unconditional means just that! If you want to talk to someone pick up the phone and call them who cares if you called them first yesterday. If you want to give them a hug do it, If you want to buy a gift to show you care do it . The key to having a successful relationship is giving love freely without dictating how its returned. You cant say you love someone unconditionally but you keep tabs on everything they have or haven't done for you lately. We have to change our perception of love in order to truly restore and have a fulfilling relationship. Men go through issues just like women and its so unfair that we think we are not suppose to do anything but let him chase us. The thing that is so contradicting about the game of chasing is when do you ever get caught? How many hours, days, months,or years does he have to continue to chase you before your willing to open your heart. Imagine if you both had the same mindset of well I've been hurt before so I'm gonna let him chase me ,and he is thinking the same way I'm gonna let her chase me to prove herself .Guess what the relationship would fail before it even gets started and you both would miss out on having a great relationship. When you give love freely without restrictions it comes back freely in many forms. Disappointment is only unmet expectations so instead of expecting someone to prove themselves to you start accepting people for who they are. Take the time to love one day at a time, enjoy them one day at a time, experience them one day at a time. Stop putting them or yourself on a do's and don't check list. Instead put them on a how can I show my love today list and watch how your relationship will transform. This is not to say settle for an unhealthy relationship in anyway ,but what I am saying is if the person is kind, trustworthy, reliable and respects you. You owe it to yourself to give and receive love unconditionally. Experience the people you love today so that you wont have regrets tomorrow because tomorrow really Isn't promise.

I knew he was leaving

So, I have never written a piece up like this in my life but I was compelled by an ad on Instagram as I am sure some of you reading have. I immediately thought of this girl that I had met weeks before South Korea went into lockdown. This girl was weird and filled with such creative energy and the most unexpected part about her was how much of her I felt connected to on a level I had yet to experience. I have fallen in and out of love barely a handful of times and never has a love felt like this.

I woke up in my bed, her beside me, touching noses. I had to go to my college to rent out a Super 8 camera for a video project I was going to do a day after. We left the house early and stopped at A&W to eat a completely unhealthy breakfast sandwich combo with coffee. We got to the subway parking, but as she opened the door to exit the car she spilled out her coffee all over the seat. She cleaned it up quickly and joined her hand in mine. We started walking to the station. Admiring the grace of the day and bright smile of the sky. Eventually, we got off the train that left us right into my college. I borrowed the camera and all the gear needed. Then, we went back to the car. The day was still early. We wanted to take advantage of the beautiful day and the great temperature (which is often rare in Canada, espicially in Quebec). The idea of going to the movies came to mind. We started looking for the latest releases and theaters around. We set our mind to go watch "Portrait of a Lady on Fire". I drove a couple minutes, parked the car, and entered the place. We bought our tickets, but the movie only started in a hour so we headed out. To pass time, we went to a small museum that was near the theater. It was a film museum where we got to see cameras and projectors that were even older then the super 8. Fascinating. It's a museum close to my heart since it is where I went back in the day to project some of the movies I played in as a child actor. It is close to many residents' hearts since it is where they usually screen all the local film premieres. It's not that small of a museum come to think of it. Anyways, we walked back to the cinema and bought some snacks. I had forgotten how expensive a popcorn was! The movie started. There were only 2 other people in the room. The movie was astonishing, a must-watch! Over my expectations! We stayed in the theater for a while, walking around, looking at the city, and realizing how empty it was! Anyways, we started walking around looking for somewhere to eat. Nothing caught our eye right away, but a crave for "poutine" began to form in both of our minds. We drove 10 minutes to our destination, the ultimate place to eat "poutine" in Montreal, "La Banquise". We ordered what we always order, a Boogaloo (Seriously try it!). It was delicious, delightful, delectable... Yeah, I think you get it. We decided to go take a walk around the park next to the restaurant to digest. It was lovely. The kids were playing, the sporties were jogging, the elderly were sitting. Birds flew around and dog-owners walked with their pet greeting all the other dog-owners that passed by. From where we were, we could see the whole city. We knew that heavy restictions were probably going to come in soon into the city. We had heard it on the radio on our way here. It was still alive though, but something was off. People were starting to get scared by what the media was saying. They were cold (not just literally). We passed by a church and decided to sneak in to pray for the COVID-19 situation to get better. We went back home and watch some good old episodes of "How I Met Your Mother" on Netflix. We fell asleep, nose to nose. The next day... evything closed so we couldn't have chosen a better time really.

We met at the beach over the summer of 1995. On hot day around 98 degrees. I was walking with a close friend of 10 years. I saw this beautiful girl walk by, she had caramel colored skin and straight black hair. I contemplated for a while if I should go up to her. I decided to walk up to her and introduced myself. One thing led to another, and we realized we went to the same school. I vaguely remember passing her in the hallways. I got her number, and we went about our day. We started texting and face timing. About a month later of talking we got together. We met up pretty much day after we met at the beach. My cousin Ashly, took and guided us to cliff's one date, and we cliff jumped. Another date we traveled from Georgetown to Hamilton and went to Ascots. One of Bermuda's best restaurants. Spending my time with her was invigorating. Being post seniors, college was approaching. We were going to end up at different colleges and didn't know how our the relationship would work out. Summer ended and we were still going strong. How cliche to say, but I knew she was the girl I would marry. I connected faster with her than anyone I'd ever met. The day before we were leaving for college. I proposed to her. She said yes and that is one of the best days of my life. I was going to Berkly (a college in California.) She was going to Texas A&M. I was majoring in psychology, and she was majoring in economics. The first semester was over, and we were on Christmas break. We had been together for 6 months now and engaged for 4. We were talking less every day. Finals took a toll on our relationship. We both went back home to Bermuda for the break and hung out. She seemed different though. She was doing drugs and wouldn't answer my texts. We would hang she would spend all her time on her phone. One night, she spent the night and I decided to read her texts. I later learned that she was losing feelings for me. Yet, she couldn't cut off the engagement. A part of her still loved me. I had an epiphany that night. She was doing drugs to cope with her loss of feelings. I decided I would talk to her in the morning. It was a long night, considering the fact I knew she was losing her love towards me. I awoke to her the next morning, per usual, on her phone. I contemplated if I should even bring what I had discovered last night up. I had an idea. I told her get dressed we are going to the beach. She hesitated, then ultimately decided to get dressed. It was about a 10-minute drive, and we sat in silence. I tried to engage in conversation, she turned me down with one word replies. I could feel the tension in the car. Knowing her long enough, I realized she was also anxious. I put my hand on her knee and told her everything was going to be fine, and we would have a great time. Even though it was winter break; In Bermuda it was still in the 70s. We set up our towel and I asked her to sit. I took her phone and put it to the side. I grab both her hands and told her how beautiful she was as the wind blew her hair. She gave me a slight smile. That was the first time I saw her smile to one of my compliments, since we got home. I looked in her lovely brown eyes and saw desperation. I took a deep breath and said " I know what's going on." She gave me an anticipated look and I answered her question before she asked it. I said " I know you're losing feelings" Her mouth slightly opened as if she was going to say something, but stopped. I asked her why already knowing the answer. She said "The distance is affecting my feelings." I asked her "what do you wanna do about us?" She was silent for a while and proceeded to say "I don't know babe." Her calling me babe gave me a false sense of hope. What came next left me at a loss of words. She said "I need you, I want to make this work out." I was expecting a breakup, I was prepared. I let go my breath that I didn't know I was holding and said "I love you Ava." She responded with a "Love you too." Which left me concerned, yet I trusted her when she said that. Our first year of college was over and I ended up transferring to Texas A&M. California was too expensive and I wanted to be with her. I was offered a/an academic scholarship. She had no idea and I surprised her one day at her dorm. She was so happy and wondered how got there. I told her I transferred, and we spent the next 3 years at the same college. We graduated under the same last name. We got married our third year of college on summer break. Got married in Bermuda. Our honeymoon was Mexico. We spent half our time with her family and the other half on the beach. Soon after college we had enough money to buy our first small house. I already had a job working with war veterans. She was under an internship with an accounting firm. Life was going how we dreamed it would. She got a promotion and started making twice her salary. I had become head therapist as a PTSD specialist. A year later, we decide we want kids. We were financially stable and thought it was a perfect time. We tried and tried, we later learned she wasn't physically able to have kids. It was a dark time for both of us. Unfortunate events kept happening to us. She lost her job and a friend of ours from high school killed herself. She became deeply depressed. I suggest that we undergo therapy together. She didn't want anything to do with therapy. She wasn't looking for jobs and sleeping all day. Our relationship was falling apart. One day, a couple months later. I offered therapy again and she agreed. Being in the field, I have friends. We got an appointment that day. She was silent the entire session. On the way back from the session she asked me "why haven't you left me yet? All I do is mourn and sleep. I'm no good to you." I drove right back to my associates office and asked if we could come in. He politely took us in. My wife, started ranting and let all the resentment, anger and pain out. She started balling as I held her hand. We left with anti-depressants and each other. I told her in the car "To answer your question, I haven't left you because I love you and I understand the pain you are going through. I am going through this too, but we can do this. We have to love each other through the pain." She smiled and said "I'm gonna go job hunting when we get home." Two weeks later she had a job at as a data analyst. She was thriving in her job. She was going out with me again and our relationship had never been stronger. 5 years later and we have two baby boys. We adopted and it was the best decision we ever made. As they grew, our marriage blossomed. Our kids brought a new spark in our lives. One day our kids were 6 and 8. They came to us and said "we want a sister." We said that mommy can't have kids on her own, we can adopt another baby. That's exactly what we did. Ava and I actually love and enjoy adopting kids so much, that we started fostering. We had to move into a much larger house due to the kids. Now we have been fostering kids for 15 years now. We have lost one child, our oldest. His death was hard on us and the kids. We started attending a small church group for people who have lost children. It has genuinely affected our lives, along with therapy. The kids love when new children come into the house. We've been married 20 years now and we love each other through the pain. That is our house motto.

Now, let's get to the beginning shall we, let's just say I've been in this same boat for many months are quite the dramatic separation from my ex-boyfriend I was scared to love again, not truly knowing that love even had boundaries. I was utterly smitten, not seeing the danger lying right in front of my eyes, dating for roughly seven months - doesn't seem like a long time you say? however in my eyes, I felt like I had known him for years and grown to love him so quickly that it went like the blink of an eye. One moment you're in paradise, the next you're crying on the bedroom floor wondering what went so wrong? In my world, what had gone wrong was a scandalous affair revolving in lies, and the utmost betrayal he was sleeping with another person, behind my back leaving me for numerous nights claiming he was training for the army, but instead the story was entirely different, and that I found out from his sister.

My desire towards him had been growing for a while. His dark hair yet piercing blue eyes, captivated me every time. His slender and well toned body felt amazing when on top of me and his lips made me tremble.

I have watched you cry. I've seen the tears slowly roll down your face. Looked upon you as transparent pearls of empathy pool in your blue eyes and drop from your long eyelashes down on to your golden skin. Every story you've heard on the news, every tale of another hero, every life lost, I've seen you shed a tear. It's moved you. It's moved us both. It's moved the nation, the world.

Ever since I was a little girl I always wondered what true love was. I was never sure if it was something everyone acquired or just a select few. For many years I thought maybe it was just something for the lucky folk. Never anything that was guaranteed by any means. For sure it was just the lucky people that seemed to drip with confidence at every turn. They must know what they want and exactly what they were looking for. Unfortunately, it took me a very long time to realize that had nothing to do with it at all.

Love, is it conditional or is it unconditional? To whom do you love and do you consider them being loved unconditionally and why? These are questions most would never think of asking themselves or others in their lives. What makes someone love another person? Could it be the oxytocin’s-and other drugs of the brain like dopamine-releasing causing us to have a rush that we have become addicted to? Could it be that we are not addicted to the rush of “happy drugs” but that we like the suffering or loss of a relationship when things between two come to an end? Are we addicted to the uncertainty of love? Let’s find out.

She was the definition of unknown. Everyone said they knew her, but I knew no one really did. Her smiles seemed to be holding secrets, her eyes held a look of discomfort. She intrigued me. What had Little Miss Sunshine so distressed? What could possibly be haunting her? She couldn’t possibly be tainted with a soul so bubbly.

There You Are