The Road to Conscious Love

“Kiss the day goodbye. The sweetness and the sorrow. We did what we had to do. Won’t forget, can’t regret what I did for love. Gone. Love is never gone. As we travel on. Love’s what we’ll remember.” - What I Did For Love (A Chorus Line)

This is where my heart is shedding right now. The past lovers and relationships that did not and could not make it past their short-lived timelines. They were there to teach me, to help me grow and heal parts of my heart that were wounded from trauma and conditioning. Every person that I shared a piece of my heart with were invaluable participants on my road to conscious love. Each experience prepared me for the ultimate divine connection between my highest self and the soul love that shares this journey with me.

Labels have been a major hindrance on this journey, along with expectations and possessiveness. Anything I label creates a story, and every story has an attachment, and every attachment magnetizes a sense of clinginess and obsession. Learning to dial down the labels has helped me ring in my energy and disburse it effectively in my Bliss Work. Sometimes Bliss Work, however, is taking the time and space to release stagnant energy that is preventing growth and healing.

During this Full Moon in Scorpio, I have to kiss the sweetness and the sorrow of my past lovers goodbye. I have to allow them to burn into the aethers or get swallowed up by the rain or be subject to disposal. I have to cry them away, push them away, wash them away; because despite the feelings of sadness and the discomfort of grief, I knew what I had to do. In order to allow for a healthy fresh love to emerge, I have to plant the seeds in fertile soil with no debris of infection. I can’t regret the past. I won’t forget the past. It’s what I did for Conscious Love.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s meant to be.

Today I heard a phrase about choice that I’d never thought of before, “Stop waiting to be chosen, and instead be the chooser. And by choosing, you become chosen.”

I had to wrap my brain around this a little bit, but it’s a beautiful meaning when you think about it. We cannot focus our attention on waiting to be chosen by one of the kids at school for the dance because then we can end up settling for someone who chose us, but our hearts might be set on someone else. By the time that person “chooses” us, we’re already “chosen.” By not choosing, we become chosen by default, and by choosing, we become chosen on purpose.

This is what happened with one of my longest lovers. I wanted so badly to be chosen by the guy who made my heart skip fast and time slow down and my head spin in circles. But this guy would not choose me. I waited on the sidelines until my pride would kick in and I’d go boost my ego with someone else who would entertain me for the time being. And then I was chosen by someone who I wouldn’t typically have gone for; he was quirky and goofy and had a child-like innocence that made me curious. His energy was authentic and pure. It was like a breath of fresh air. I loved the boyish thrill he had for life, and when he asked me to spend it with them, I thought, “well shoot. At this point, I don’t reckon I got any better offers than this one. The guy I want is nowhere to be found, so why not? What’ve I got to lose?”

Inevitably enough, I was so happy with this kid. He made life fun again. We had some major spiritual awakenings and began to look at life from an expanded place of consciousness, realizing that life really is a big playground and we should treat it like so. I was so happy with this kid that when the day came that the person I’d been wanting to be chosen by finally did, I was so torn. Here I was happy with this happy-go-lucky kid, and here comes the one my heart couldn’t deny.

It was a battle over the mind and the heart. Logic and desire. I chose logic. At that point, it seemed irrational to say goodbye to someone who had done nothing wrong to deserve it, and it seemed insane to say yes to someone who was like a wild card. Either he’ll treat me the way he used to with hot and cold energy, or we’ll be the happiest in all eternity! I wasn’t ready to gamble what I had and risk losing the certainty that was already in my hands.

It can be scary to choose who/what we want. There's a higher level of risk at stake. We could get rejected or dismissed or completely humiliated. Our ego won’t let us take those risks and will protect us from the worst possible outcomes. When we remember that those outcomes are nothing but False Expectations Appearing Real, the illusions begin to fall away. It seems a little easier to take a step in that direction. Desire can be a double-edged sword. It can either be of the ego, riddled with anxiety, or it can be of the heart, excitedly anticipating the wonders of the unknown. Deepak Chopra says, “desires are just bliss making you aware that it exists.”

The Road to Conscious Love is about making the choice every day to operate from a place of bliss instead of fear. That’s why I had to choose to release my past relationships, regardless of how much it hurt and stung and sucked. No matter how much I wanted to stick with the guy that chose me (because he chose me first), I knew what I had to do.

It wasn’t easy. It wasn't pretty. It wasn’t fun. I was deemed as a villain to some. I was written off as crazy to others. I was miscounted, mistaken, and misunderstood by most. But with me I carried a hope. That somewhere in the stormy cloud of uncertainty around my sanity, there was a heart beating with mine, searching and waiting for our soul to align. That’s what I did for Conscious Love.