Love is so often defined by what it is not in the modern world. We are taught from an increasingly young age how to recognise people who are bad for, or dangerous to, us. Lifestyle publications are filled to the brim with articles that teach us how to spot narcissists or tell whether we are in toxic relationships. In fact, we're better informed about the red flags that might show up in any relationship than we are about the signs that a relationship is going well.

So.. it's been a while, I'll explain a bit more in other blogs around what has happened in my life since we last spoke but for now this particular blog is around living with a messy person.

I was just thinking about my birthday, and honestly, the best part of the day was having him celebrate with me. A couple of weeks after May 9th when he had come over, I had begun to accept that things were over between us and making conscious steps towards healing. I remember being in the kitchen daydreaming about him being with me on my birthday, and as things would turn out, he did end up being here.

Relationships can take time to build and to develop into what they are. However, no one ever said it was easy. It takes patience, sacrifices and communication. It takes trust and hard work not only as a team but as an individual. A relationship is also a huge change compared to our single lifestyle, and it is also one of our greatest tests for ourselves.

A few years ago I was sitting having a few drinks with a friend in her house when she got a phone call from another friend.

Temporary Friend

Have you ever found someone who lights your inner flame? Someone who the day you first lay eyes on them, you become theirs. The kind of person who, despite anything they do or say, you cannot help but embrace their existence. You feel as if this person is the reason you live and breathe.

With collective stress levels at an all-time high, is it true that the COVID-19 pandemic is causing an increase in cyber affairs aka online affairs? Statistics from the American Psychological Association estimate that around 20% to 40% of couples deal with infidelity in the course of their relationship.

This article is for anyone wondering if they are in an emotionally abusive relationship. I’m going to bring up past situations I had with my Ex Boyfriend in hope to help you witness what it was like to live with a narcissist/emotionally abusive man.

Trish was so thankful for the quietness she was now experiencing in the library, usually it was full of obnoxious college students waiting last minute to cram for an exam or a last-minute assignment. She often wondered why the college students didn’t use the library at the university they attended, she came to the conclusion that maybe they really had to abide by the rules of being quiet so others could focus. This Tuesday night, however, when she walked into her sacred place, she only noticed two other people, the Librarian Ms. Cooper and a young man she barely glanced at. She headed directly for the book she was dying to read in peace. Zora Neale Hurston “Their Eyes Were Watching God”. Her friend Maxine read it a week prior and wouldn’t stop talking about it. After looking through the book catalog she saw where she could locate the book in the library, she headed towards the back aisle searched the shelf and grabbed the book like it was a hidden treasure. Trish went to the sitting area in the library (that is much more comfortable then then the study area) which was empty and quiet, she sat in the comfortable chair next to the window.

A few years go by, and I had sadly fallen out too many times with Taylor's sisters. Those are all long, and widely misinterpreted stories I've buried away because I love them no matter what, but may one day will elaborate on. So I don't have anyone on social media, until one day Taylor adds me and I was elated. I had really missed him because he wasn't just my crush or boyfriend but he was a wonderful friend to me. The girls added me shortly thereafter. Shannon first and again I was so happy because she and I had once been attached at the hip. Taylor and I started catching up, and it didn't take long for us to be texting everyday all day long. One night, I decided to go and hang out with everyone at their new place. It was a lot of fun and I was so happy to have rekindled my friendships with the family and even Wisly too! I also met Taylor's other friend Galilee for the first time that night. I slept over with his mom's permission, I totally planned to sleep in his room, and I don't need to say what happened after the doors all shut, I mean it's quite obvious. But we were just friends and being young.

We met when I was 13 years old. He was 15. Our families lived in the same trailer park in the middle of the "hood", it could've been worse though. Moving on... He was so cute, and he was even funnier. Any guy who can have me bursting at the sides could have me head over heels if he wanted, I love to laugh, and Taylor was the funniest guy I'd ever met at that point. The first time he saw me, I was bending over doing some gardening in my favorite jean shorts. He told me later on in our journey that he liked my butt and even more my legs so he just HAD to know me. I first saw him when my friends from school who I walked home with introduced me to their family, their brother included, his name was Taylor. Now, keep in mind we were merely children who knew nothing about life, or love, or responsibility, or anything in between any of those things... okay? So, I immediately garnered a crush on Taylor and his sisters/my best friends, Jasmine and Shannon were (at the time) all for it! We all became a group and we were practically inseparable, Taylor, Jasmine, Shannon, Wisly (Taylor's best friend), Wadsen (one of our neighbors & mutual friends), Standly (just the fucking best dude & Wadsen's younger brother), and of course William (Taylor's cousin). We spent so much time together, sometimes all of us, sometimes a few of us in pairs, or triples, etc. I found myself spending more & more time with the guys than my original girl friends. To be fair, I've always gotten along better with guys over girls, so it wasn't completely due to my lust for Taylor. Both of us were so shy and I was so uncertain about my feelings for him that we never took it anywhere until one night in my backyard we were horsing around and flirting with each other where I then stole his wallet and told him I'd only give it back if he kissed me. That's where we first kissed and it was glorious; I won't lie... I was a fast teenage girl so I guided his hands towards my pants and let him explore but only briefly. I enjoyed toying with him like a child but I had enormous feelings for him too. However, as we spent more time together, beating around the bush and not letting anything real become of our feelings, and this all happening alongside our other friend Wadsen, whom also had a crush on me... I became confused like most young teens do about my feelings for Taylor... because I started noticing Wadsen more... long story short, I bounced from the two more than once & ended up hurting them both. However, it was obvious that I really cared about Taylor because I detested causing him even a drop of pain, whereas I didn't much feel guilt over anything that made Wadsen jealous or sad the same way I did for Taylor. Before I realized my feelings for Wadsen weren't real and that my feelings for Taylor were absolutely authentic... I made the mistake of sleeping with Wadsen during one of our many co-ed sleepovers, where Taylor & Wisly were sleeping in the living room and I slept in Wadsen's bed. Taylor's heart broke that night because he knew and that is one night I would without a doubt take back if I could. He eventually told me later on in life that he wouldn't change the way things went down because then what happened next wouldn't have happened and he'd be forever proud of it. You see they were very close friends, but they were also serious rivals as well. Especially when it came to me. So fast forward a few months, during another one of our co-ed nights... (Now I can't say I'm not proud of this because I am... but this will make me look pretty shitty when it comes to morale and the 'girl code'). All four of us, Wadsen, Wisly, Taylor, and I slept in the same room. Wisly in the second bed, Wadsen and I in his bed solely because I refused to sleep on the floor, even though Taylor was and I wanted nothing more than to be right next to him and I mean I yearned painfully for this guy. Taylor had this horrendous girlfriend at the time, Alyssa. Yet, he and I both wanted each other. So, after sharing a series of texts about our mutual desires and keeping things remotely platonic, I go lay next to him on the floor and as I stated, we initially intended to just keep things PG-13, maybe just a little kissing, no big deal. Well... that was a total failure. It didn't take long for us to start having sex, and for me to take his virginity (see 26 Facts For Fun). We continued our affair as he continued dating the girl he said he didn't even want to stay with, but did solely because she did all of his school work, even though he is literally so smart he would have done it better, but was just too lazy to do it himself. Not to mention, she also bought him his first cell phone and paid the bill on it so he refused to break up with her because I at that time also knew what a cell was worth enduring to maintain since my parents also refused to get me one until I threatened to put a certain villain on blast, for the 3rd time mind you... save that info for a later post, although he often told me it was due to fear of causing pain as well. Anyways, he eventually told her about our affair due to more intimate reasons and she forgave him, so already long story short, she ended up giving him a second chance despite him losing his virginity to another girl, but at the cost of ending our "situationship". That broke my heart because I wanted him to just break up with the girl he told me too often and with real emotion that he didn't even remotely like, and be with the girl who was falling madly in love at a rapid rate, a girl he claimed he felt the same for. But he stayed with her. So that was the end of 'Taylor and Audrey'. A few months pass by, and I maintain my friendships with his sisters, and my brother was best friends with his youngest sister too. Our families were practically one. At least that's how my family and I saw it. His family decided to move out of the city we lived in, to a city only 15 minutes North of where we met. He came by my house to say goodbye but I was sleeping at my new boyfriend Andrew's house. So I never got to say goodbye to the guy I fell SO deeply for. I mean I believe we both felt that endless bond, that connection we had together, I know he did, I know I did. Because when I continue this very long story in Part Two, you'll come to understand why I say that "connection", that "bond", was an inevitable, endless one.