I'm writing this because I just watched the music video to "Watermelon Sugar" by Harry Styles and...it was really good. Frankly, this is somewhat upsetting. I've never liked Harry Styles before, I've always found him pretentious and irritating. Why then, has he just encapsulated all of my fantasies as a mixed Latino man in a three minute music video? Do y'all know? I'm quite confused.

I love you. I still love you. I've always loved you. I feel like I always will love you.

I want to lay in his arms, hear his voice whispering sweet nothing's in my ear. I want to feel safe and secure to know I'm not judged for who I am, let alone what I believe in, or what I do. To know my son is safe and secure, that my son is loved and supported by someone that loves and supports me, to know we are both treasured, trusted and respected.

Try a little tenderness...

I had never lived alone. I went from a warm family home to college room-mates. Apartments with friends and then to my partner. I had been living with husband and running boats globally with him and a tight crew, within 100 feet of us at all times for over a decade. My life was rich and I delighted in family/crew meals, laughter at sunset and exploring with my beloved next to me. I didn’t take it for granted. I felt so blessed and was sure to be thankful to the Universe that was holding me with such grace. I wasn’t religious but what I called ‘connected’. I felt Spiritual in nature because nature was my spirit. I coveted sunsets and the sea that caressed me when I swam… admiring fishes and corals, amazed by the world. Volcanoes and whales, sharks and steamy exotic mud pools. I delighted as the calls of new bird songs danced into my soul and I spent hours peeking under rocks and hiking to that next crest, the next bend, the next port… what is over the horizon? I even told my beloved that I would tell him I loved him every day. Even if we didn’t see eye to eye on occasions, I would whisper to him at night… “I love you”. I wanted him to know how loved he was and I wanted to be grateful so to build from that place. From that whole place I loved.

Not long ago, I searched on YouTube to see if there was a 40’s bachelor like me. However, a video of a thumbnail that looks prominently ugly and sloppy has been uploaded under the name of "A bachelor living alone". I clicked on the video without any hesitation, in other words with a click rate of 100%. The content of the video was nothing. It was a video that a man went shopping alone and sat alone in a messy room, boiled ramen, and checked the receipts one by one as if there was really anything to do. In addition to the video, I watched several episodes in a row and felt like I was feeling this channel is good to subscribe for my single life.

You can stay alone for as long as you like, but you’ll never truly be comfortable in solitude until you welcome it with open arms.

I’ve heard it said a thousand times before, ‘people want what they can’t have.’ But truth be told, Ive always been to the contrary. If it’s not mine, why would I want it. If someone doesn’t want me to have ‘it’ why would I insist? Nope. I want the cards I’m dealt.

"Why are you single? Why are you deciding to stay single when you have so many options?"

Okay. You’ve been staring at this person in the school’s canteen for who knows how long and you still haven’t gotten up from the table to speak to them whatsoever. What’s the actual problem? Well, for one, they’re sitting with all their friends and you don’t have the courage to go and speak to them. Two? You’ve been caught staring about three times now so you’ve probably just been labeled as a creep. Three? Your crush doesn’t even know who you are, so going up to talk to them would prove what exactly? This is annoying. This feeling of helplessness in a situation that could, maybe, be taken care of in a simple “Hi” is annoying.

If I was 21 again and was sat in front of my current self now, 26, no kids, not even close to dating anyone, no social life, stressed, anxious, happy...but not happy enough, tired, self-conscious, lonely, SINGLE..... I think I honestly would be completely and utterly confused. At 21 I genuinely believed I would have kids by 25, be settled down, loving a cute chocolate man, him absolutely adoring the floor i walked on, a nice house, driving a cute car, decent job, be finished university. Oh how that is so far from reality. See the truth is, for a long time I seeked validation through having my shit together. Every aspect of my life was about how other people viewed me, and seeing old school friends having their 2nd-3rd child, settled down, with a beautiful family. Not once did i think... Lois... this is YOUR life and that is theirs.. your two completely different people....