Ending my relationship was roller coaster ride that I didn’t want to be on.

One of the cruelest tricks your heart can play on you is making you believe that a relationship with the same person will be better the second time around. The truth is that you only should be considering this if you are desperate to be in a relationship. The second time around usually will not work, because you will soon realize that whatever issues you thought you had fixed will still be there - they had merely been put on hold while that person was no longer in your life. But when you get back into the relationship, you inevitably push play on that 'pause' button you had hit before leaving. Did you really forget what caused you to break up in the first place? Or does your heart just want to romanticize what occurred?

I would like to begin this story by telling everyone a little bit of background on myself. I was in a relationship with someone that I will remain unnamed throughout this story for two and a half years. This is a very true story of the abuse I endured at HIS hands. Though HE never physically abused me, HE emotionally and mentally abused me and continued to do so even after we broke up. I am now in a very serious and committed relationship with another man, whom I love with all my heart, and even though he has never done anything even relatable to the things HE did to me, I still suffer from moments of PTSD thinking about the way HE treated me, and I will get into that a little later in this series.

"You a dummy"

November 20th

He wrapped his arms around me desperately, feeling the warmth of his body pressed against mine, squeezing tighter, he whispered in my ear “I love you.” I let a sigh of contentment escape my lips, as I felt my body begin to melt, because I could hear the sincerity in his voice as I replied back admiringly “I love you too.” Our eyes locked for a moment and I could see the depth of his endearment beaming in his warm brown eyes as I felt his hand caress my right cheek before letting go. But I didn’t want him to release his hold on me, and I begged in desperation for him to stay, but I knew he couldn’t; as did he. I held onto his hand tightly as we both walked to the rivers edge, stopping, he slightly turned back towards me, slowly letting go of my hand, our finger tips brushing against one another as the sadness and determination in his heart felt eyes stared back into mine. I smiled meekly as he smiled back at me. Turning back around, I watched him as he began to walk away, starring at his backside the entire time. I felt the heart wrenching feeling, as if I had mourned the death of a loved one, wash over me. I quietly whispered “Goodbye, my love” as my chin began to tremble, the tears overflowed my anguish filled blue eyes as I tried to remain strong. He continued to walk further away, as the slight breeze brushed through my hair, while the snow fell gently on the ground; the darkness of the night illuminating the sky. He disappeared out of sight into the dense moonlit forest. I held my breath, fixated on the last spot where I watched him vanish, hoping and wishing he would turn back around. I couldn’t believe I watched him leave. Remembering his warm embrace and hearing those soul-stirring and powerful words “I love you” echo in my ears. I stood there for what seemed like hours, unable to bring myself to turn away, in hopes that he would reappear… but he never did. I could feel the tears race down my cheeks, as I continued to stare desperately into the distance. I felt Welril place his hand on my shoulder then, as he quietly spoke “He will return, in due time, my dear”. I looked over at him, the sorrow withered upon my face, the pain, almost unbearable as I pleaded “Perhaps it’s for the best.” He stared at me, I could see the sympathy on his face as he spoke quietly “You and I both know that isn’t true.” I could feel the pain fill my chest, the weight making it hard to breathe, “Then why does it hurt so much?” I proclaimed in torment. He smiled then, the empathy in his words of wisdom “Because this is real and you are in love.” Unable to fight the grief any longer, I ran towards him, and buried my face into his chest as he held onto me. I sobbed heavily as my body began to tremble in the immense heart ache. I felt his hand gently rub my back as he said “Everything will be okay, he will be back, I promise you this.” As he spoke those words I felt my heart break, longing and yearning for his return even more. At that very moment I couldn’t bring myself to withhold my grasp in the comfort of his arms, because I knew he was right… he just had to be.

I've gotten to a point where all the details are blurry. But theres one factor that i see, an old gold brown honda civic. I see it in my head and hear his voice, - he reminds me "I'm crazy". I hope i know what im talking about, my eyes don't lie right? My memory cant be that faded, so many people have that car. In my head that car is what i associate all the trauma with.

trying to make sense of what happened to you it’s not an easy thing to achieve. Because the narcissist is functioning on a completely warped level they take no responsibility for anything that they have done. I can’t stress enough that they do not see things the way we do. The only thing the narcissist understands is that they are the victim in every relationship. I found myself questioning my judgment and trying to make sense out of what was wrong with me and how I could’ve been so blind to this person‘s behavior. Because my narcissist was so good at what he did there was no way that I could believe that somebody was that messed up. He was an Academy award winner when it came to lying, Covering his tracks, embellishing and believing that his minimal accomplishments were outstanding. When you try to make sense of your relationship you have to divide into two parts. You have to look at the relationship from how you interpret it and then you have to look at the relationship how the narcissist manipulated the relationship. Trying to make sense of your behavior becomes difficult because of the humiliation factor. Many people that were in narcissistic relationships will have a pattern of breaking up and getting back together and breaking up. The reason why we do this is because we try to justify their agree just behavior because we can’t process a person could be this horrible and that’s why we go back to them. You have to go again remember everything that you are processing everything you were trying to work out everything you were trying to come to grips with never even once enters the narcissist mind. They do not spend one day thinking about us or missing us or regretting all of the horrible things they put us through. They have moved on and found their next victim to do everything to them that they have done to you everyone before you and it’ll always be everyone after you. You cannot think that you will change a narcissistic sociopath. They will never apologize, or tell you that they’ve made terrible mistakes and they are trying to work on being a better person. Once I realized that I could not make sense of his behavior that’s when I focused on understanding the disorder. The Only since you can make out of the situation is all about you and how you were feeling how you were behaving how you were acting and how you were processing the relationship. You must remember you cannot make sense out of insanity. The Narcissistic sociopath will never change. I call it “going on the diet of a lifetime.” You have to remove them from your life completely. When you suffer a Trumatic experience and that truly is what happened to us, it takes time to recover. As I stated in my first posting you must treat the abuser as someone who was tragically killed unexpectedly. Because they never truly existed, they set the stage to act out whatever it is they need to do to get whatever it is they want from you. It is difficult to confide with friends and family if they have not been a victim of narcissistic abuse. It takes time and unfortunately time can’t go by fast enough. We are heartbroken, at a complete loss, and often contemplate suicide because we can’t come to grips with what has happened to us. Please know that these are all emotions that I went through and felt to the deepest part of my soul. You cannot make sense as to why you feel so terribly but you do because you’re an empathetic caring soul. The narcissist feeds on the empathetic caring soul because that is the one that is going to open their heart and their wallet for this predator. I can’t tell you how many evenings and mornings that I woke up and he was the first thing I thought about. I just couldn’t make sense out of what was wrong with me and why I was feeling so horrible and why I couldn’t move on and why he just couldn’t give me closure. The narcissist does not have to give you closure because they did nothing wrong. I chose to share my journey because I realized that there’s not enough resources out there and there are hundreds and thousands of victims of these horrible people.

I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks. Heartbreaks that taught me new lessons. Heartbreaks that changed me. Heartbreaks that remained in the back of my mind, even as I got to know new people. Heartbreaks that haunted me each night. Heartbreaks that I got over quickly. They are still heartbreaks, even if they don’t last as long as those that came before them or those that will arrive after.

Yes, I’m a survivor of a Narcissistic Sociopathic. I decided to share my story because it was unlike anything anyone could ever experience. I thought I would start with the basics; and understanding of how you are feeling if you are in a relationship, trying to get out of a relationship or have traveled the journey of breaking free.

I stared off into the distance, watching the trees slightly sway back and forth from the gentle breeze that pushed its way passed through the hill side. My eyes seemed to dance back and forth, almost as if they were searching for answers. He watched me, studying my face trying to read the confused, yet heart ache expression that was written all over it. “You’re riddled with attachment, my dear.” He said quietly. I slightly turned to face him, our eyes interlocking. I could feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes as I said desperately, disappointed in myself “I am… but I don’t want to be.” I let a small sigh escape my lips as it was getting harder to hold back the tears. The concern washed over his face, the slight dismay in his voice while he questioned me “You’re in love, aren’t you?” I couldn’t look at him then, as a tear rolled down my cheek, I glanced toward my feet, gazing longingly at the ruffled surface of the earth. I didn’t even have to answer him, because he already knew. I could hear the sincerity in his voice as he spoke “Why do you continue to fight it?” I kept my gaze locked onto the ground as I said weakly “Because I’ve never felt this way before, but yet I know in my heart and mind that him and I are one in the same.” He never took his eyes off of me and I could hear the seriousness and danger in his voice “If he truly is anything like you… then you are doomed… but you already know that.” I felt my chin begin to tremble, his words cutting through my heart like a knife. The tears began to fall from my eyes, as I silently attempted to wipe them away as I brought myself to look at him once again. I could see he felt my pain, but he remained almost disconnected as I said “I know. But that is the risk that comes with this.” That’s when he looked away, glancing off into the distance as the sun was beginning to set. “It’s like I’ve always told you, this life just isn’t meant for you. But you will do what you feel is right” as he continued knowingly “so let us hope that this time I’m wrong.” I could feel the pain and anguish flood inside my chest, unable to hide it as I frantically wiped away the tears that were now streaming down my face. He looked back at me then, I could see the heart ache in his eyes, but that quickly changed as he calmly spoke “You know what needs to be done. Either you fully embrace it, allowing yourself to become weak in this infatuation, or you dis-concern yourself and walk away. The choice is yours.” He could see the desperation withered in my eyes as I cried out “But this is different, I just know it!” I gasped “I feel it!” Holding my hand up against my chest where my heart laid. He meekly smiled at me then, I could hear the insight and truth in his words “I know it is. Trust me. That is why I’m trying to save you from this chaos that you bring upon yourself. But only you can allow that to happen.” My eyes widened in disbelief, taken aback by the words that he had spoken. And at that very moment, I couldn’t contain the realization and anguish as I clenched my hands into fists I let out a heart felt scream as I fell onto my knees. Wrapping my arms around myself in order to comfort my own well being, I then fell over onto my side. He watched me sob, hearing the depth of my heart ache and suffering in my cries.”Let it consume you, my dear, embrace it, for that is the only way you will be able to move forward in this.” I could feel every single emotion that had been locked away wash over me, almost unbearable, I glanced up towards the now dimly lit sky, entranced, I could feel my body tremble as his words echoed in my ears. It seemed like the torment would never end, but just as it had started, I let every single sensation flood my mind, body and soul. I unclenched my fists, as I gasped for air, attempting to slow my breathing. I could feel my body begin to go weightless as the reality of the agony in my heart began to fade. The single last tear slowly trickled down my right cheek, and a sigh of relief escaped my lips all the while a smile slowly appeared on my face. I knew then what had to be done.

I'm not gon' cry by Mary J. Blige from the Movie "Waiting to Exhale" changed my entire outlook on relationships with men. It taught me what to look for in a real man. For you see, I lived this song for Eleven years in a marriage with my son's father. I put everything I had into our relationship only to find out in the end that I was never nothing more than a means to an end for him. I built him up for him to leave me for someone else. The song goes like this: For all the time that I was loving you, you were busy loving yourself. I would stop breathing if you told me to,now you're busy loving someone else. Eleven years out of my life, besides the kids I have nothing to show, wasted the years out of my life, I should have left your ass a long time ago. I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gon' cry, I'm not gonna shed no tears, no i'm not gon' cry, cause your not worth my tears. I was your lover and your secretary, working everyday of the week, was that the job when no one else was there, helping you get on your feet. Eleven years of sacrifice, and you can leave me at the drop of a dime, swallowed my fears, stood by your side, I should have left yo ass a thousand times. No i'm not gon' cry, i'm not gon' cry, i'm not gonna shed no tears, no i'm not gon' cry, cause you're not worth my tears. I know there are no guarantees, in love you take your chances, but some how it seems unfair to me, look at the circumstances, in sickness and health, till death do us part, those were the words that we spoke from our hearts, and now when you say that you're leaving me, I don't get that part. Every time I heard this song it was a reminder of the sacrifice I had made in the name of love for a man who did not even value it. It became a cautionary tale in my life about men for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I never gave up on love or men, I just took more care in who I gave my heart to and what signs to look for in a man. Life can be very cruel to us all sometimes, but by never giving up, you will one day rise above all the betrayals and heartbreaks and find your true love. I know because I am presently married to a man who loves me genuinely and is striving for the betterment of us both. Now, when I hear that song I smile because even though I went through heartbreak and betrayal in the beginning, I never gave up and my ending is truly a happy ever after.