I am telling my story on this platform for a handful of 'reasons'... It seems that I have basically 'exhausted' all other resources. My family has been toxic, to me, for as long as I can remember. I have tried to gain closure with them about the past - with the hopes of curing my anxiety/depression and, (to me?) more importantly, becoming best friends with my parents.

It is the day after the Fourth Of July. My fiancé and I are being kicked out of the apartment by the landlord because he is not on the lease and he has been living here though all the four notices that we have found in the crack of the door on a sheet of printed paper. We’ve got one month to find out where to go and have been talking about our options.

DEAR JULY,

Mary has been seeing William for only four months, but she feels as if she’s known him forever. Constantly, they text each other, they talk and chat for hours at a time on the smartphones. They can even finish each other’s sentences before it ends! But now, as they sleep on William's bed and William wants more than conversation.

We continue living in hard times. The pandemic has become a nightmare. We lost hope, and we lost humanity; we lost love for each other. It is a pandemic, indeed. In the news, we can see hate, abuses, murder, assaults. Mother against son, teenager killing each other with firearms. What is that we are thinking? We are fighting against each other for minimal or no reason. We are not listening to what others have to say. We are spreading hate, not love; we supposed to be a better generation with the capability to make the world a better place for our children. Instead, we are showing our young ones how to fight, how to spread hate. What is happening to us? Where are we trying to go with all this hate? History has shown us plenty of times. Nobody wins in war; we all lose. It is hard to see how people are fighting against each other. Instead of fighting the pandemic, I am starting to believe that the only epidemic around us is us. It is painful to see a child getting hurt because adults decided that the best way to learn is by getting injured in a protest. A child getting hurt because of skin color, sexual orientation, for their social status. What are we accomplishing with this reaction? Our kids are watching us fighting and getting hurt. They are learning from us. From our examples, we need to stop and take a good look at us and our actions. Last week, I watched the news as I do every day; I chose to do it once a day only because it is too much negativity. But in one of the videos, they show, and this breaks my heart. A kid was playing in the front of his home. And when he saw a police force car, he hides behind the family vehicle, a kid it is not feeling safe. Look at the point we are that a kid hides from police, it is something to think about and reflect. Kids watch television all the time, and now that they are home, even more. Can you imagine what cross that kid's mind for him to decide to hide and feel like he is going to get hurt? I see my kids watching the news, and I ask them to tell me what they think of the story. My son, twelve years old, answered. "It is sad to know that I can go out and maybe not coming back." If we cannot make our kids feel safe, nobody can help us. No matter what your line of work is, our kids need to feel safe from the outside world. When I was growing up, the police use to be a symbol of order, protection, a hero. What happens with that, where all that went? Who are we going to call when we are in trouble? And after all these trouble times. How are the new roles for police? How are they going to act now, after all the fighting and lawsuit? What is normal, and what is not? Who decides where it is the limits? So, many questions, and I cannot find the answer, should we follow the news? It seems like we have a new standard, wears a mask, practices social distancing, calls the police if you are in trouble, but be ready with a handbook to know what is right and what is wrong. People looking for justice for their loved ones that got killed by the police do not know how to act. Should they use force? Yes and No. Protect citizens but not too much to the point of going over the line. Citizens call police but are ready, and you never know how it is going to end. Until we stop and analyze what we are doing, we will not come to a solution. We got to the point where we do not know how to act. We do not know who is right and who is wrong. But one thing is for sure. We are losing our values, our loved one, think hard, please. Stop the hate pandemic! Listen more, Love More. Less Fight, Less Hate.

I believe you're familiar with a kids’ song called The Hokey Pokey, the lyrics go like this “You put your right foot in, you take your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about” I was shook by the insane resonance between this song and every single relationship I've ever been in, well, to put it accurately, yes I have dated before and no I haven't committed to anyone so far due to cold feet. The first time I realize that I have issue committing is when I was fifteen, There was this boy and we were pretty close friends, we could talk all day about pretty much everything, he was kinda cute and when we were together there was this strong feeling that nothing could ever bring us down, magical is the only word that could describe us, sometimes I even catch myself smiling like an idiot while picturing we were together but oh boy, was I dead wrong when I got what I wished for. One day, he put on a super serious face instead of his usual goofy face and came to me, "I think I like you, not in a friend way tho" that's when I knew shit's bout to go down, I just froze as my brain stopped functioning and "f**k off" was everything I could come up with other then a cool "okay" I've been rehearsing in my all-time fantasy. Was it insecurity or nervous? I felt helpless keeping pushing people away cause the answer is NO, it was my disgust at relationship and commitment, now you can pretty much picture how all my relationships ever since that poor boy have ended. I was so close to convince myself I was asexual at some point before finding out it was just me being a classic Gemini with my Venus placement also being in Gemini. Maybe Astrology is my excuse, maybe I was simply not ready for a commitment yet, maybe I’m still learning, or maybe I’m just gonna have to marry myself, isn’t that hilarious? I always joke about marrying myself, turns out that's exactly what I have to do before entering any kind of relationship. This very idea came from a Ted Talk video I watched last night, the title of the video is called “The person you really need to marry.” I literally thought that fierce lady was gonna guide me through a “hot guy hunt” but instead of that, it's a totally different thing, which is literally marrying yourself. What stroke me even more is that most of us step into relationships without even understanding this concept, which could likely lead you into an endless self-doubt rabbit hole, with you not knowing why you keep blaming yourself for something that ain't your fault, at this point you're already deeply trapped in a toxic relation with yourself even if not with your lover, that's why marrying yourself is SO important other than sounding funny, this sounds fairly simple yet is almost too abstract for any of us to adapt. In order to marry yourself, you have to make small changes firstly, one step at a time, which means enjoying your being and adoring who you are, not after you lose ten pounds, not after you get that diploma, and definitely not after you get a boyfriend or girlfriend, just the way you are, right here right now, honor yourself and most importantly -- be generous enough to FORGIVE yourself, in the way you wanted people to. if you refuse to take my words, at lease take Bruno Mars'. You know the thing is I’m not the smartest girl nor the hottest, just a lucky one who happen to see the craziness in love and tackle it in my early 20s, I thought I was a loser who had never had any boyfriend, turns out I had already claimed victory knowing what I want and I'm grateful for that.

My mother pulls my closet door open slowly “Good morning sleeping beauty time to wake up“ I feel my head pounding even though I’ve been in the closet all night I’m still in a lot of pain from yesterday. I open my eyes I slowly push back my blanket and climb out of my closet grab my earplugs from the pouch in my closet and going to the bathroom. 

I try to close the bathroom door slowly so that it doesn’t make noise then I walk over to the toilet and very careful lift the lid so that it doesn’t bang against the back of the toilet I use the toilet then it’s time for me to flush I open the bathroom door put in my earplugs press down the handle and run out off the bathroom. 

The toilet sounds like it’s roaring and despite trying to get away as quickly as I can my four head and temples and the area on the sides of my head above my ears throb with pain I wait in the guest bedroom until the toilet is finish flushing my mother laughs at me I walk back into the bathroom my temples forehead and the area on the sides of my head above my ears from the toilet flushing I know they’ll still be hurting for about another hour from the flush. 

I turn on the water trickling so that it doesn’t make much noise and wash my hands then I reach over to put on my deodorant my arm accidentally knocks over the air spray on the counter the clang it makes causes a sharp pain in my temples and the sides of my head above my ears. The worst part is the pain does not go away immediately from accidents like these but lingers for about 30 minutes. 

I stand the bottle upright and put on my deodorant then I open the door and try to carefully take out my toothbrush without clanking against any other items luckily this morning I am successful I squeeze some toothpaste onto the toothbrush and turn on the water at a trickle I brush my teeth I then reach for a cotton ball and put a tiny bit of facial cleansing solution on it as the amount of water required to wash my face is painfully loud. 

I slowly open the bathroom door and walk back into my bedroom I unplug my Sony headphones from the wall and put them in their case to take to school then I unplug my iPad and put it in my backpack I put my watch on my wrist and double check my cell phone to make sure it’s on volume one then I ask Siri for the weather. 

I pull out a dress from my closet careful not to let the hangers clang together. Then I put on my earplugs and walk downstairs The humming of the refrigerator increases the throbbing pain on my forehead, temples, and the area on the side of my head above my ears I walk over to my tray and tried to gently set it down on the kitchen counter. I get a large paper plate as the metal plates make noise that is painful then I get a paper cup to use instead of a metal bowl. Then I reach up to get a drinking cup luckily the cup is by itself so it doesn’t make any noise I try to slowly and quietly close the cabinet door. 

The refrigerator is still humming increasing the throbbing pain especially on my four-head I open the refrigerator pull out my non my yogurt and my juice. Then I. Get a plastic spoon and I put the yogurt in the bowl put the non-on the plate and pour the juice into the cup. Then I walk over and open the freezer it’s even louder than the refrigerator and intensifies the throbbing pain I reach in and carefully pull out ice pack catch up I put it in my lunchbox I open the refrigerator and pull out the baggie of bagels then I reach in and get the cream

I try not to cringe my four head throbs with pain. I get a paper plate and a plastic knife. I put the bagel in the toaster and hold down the lever because the toaster is broken. As I stand there waiting the refrigerator sounds like it’s roaring like a truck, my forehead throbs it feels like someone is punching me. Finally the bagel ready is spread the cream cheese on the bagel and then reach into the drawer to get tinfoil. 

I try to tear of the tinfoil gently but it still makes it tearing crackling sound which causes more throbbing pain on my four head and the sides of my head above my ears. I put my bagel into my lunchbox and walk upstairs to get Mommy I need her to use the microwave to heat up my food because I can’t do it because it’s too loud. after I get Mommy I put on my Apple Watch I stand in my bedroom and wait I can hear the microwave from my room but at least from this distance it isn’t painful I wait until I hear the three beeps letting me know the microwave is done before I walk back downstairs. 

I turn on the sink water at a trickle and then dry my hands on a paper towel I shut my bedroom door and lay on my bed and do my eyes drops. Then go downstairs pick up my tray and walk back upstairs. 

As I eat my non and take my medicine my ear and temple still feel the sharp pain and my forehead and the side of my head above my ear still throb from all the noise this morning. Then I go into my bedroom put on my backpack grab my tray and walk downstairs. I walk to the kitchen the refrigerator is still on I try to set my tray down gently on the counter then I through away my paper plate and cups. 

I reach into the coat closet pull out my jacket and walk with my mother to the front door. As she opens the door The alarm system shouts “Front door“ causing intense throbbing on my forehead. As I step outside I can hear the noise of traffic from Columbia Road and 29 it causes throbbing pain on my forehead and the on the side of my head above my ears. I open the car door and tried to close it gently “your door didn’t close all the way my mom says“ I shut the door harder causing a loud boom which feels like I’m being punched in the forehead. 

My mother starts up the car right away the car starts beeping loudly causing sharp pain in my ear and temple, she puts on her seatbelt stopping the beeping. 


The car sounds like a waterfall The loud engine causes more throbbing pain on my forehead. We you drive off of April Journey and on to Columbia Road then on to another neighborhood. Luckily we haven’t encountered very many other cars yet as we haven’t gotten on the main road yet. My mother turns onto Route 108 actually we’ve been driving for about three minutes a School bus pulls up beside us it sounds like a power tool and adds to the throbbing pain on my forehead “I’m trying to get away from the bus but I can’t run the other cars over my mother says“. 

After we finally get away from the bus another car honks it’s horn causing more stabbing pain. We turn into the school parking lot and pull up to the school I check the time to make sure that I will have enough time to get settled into Mr. L’s room before the students start to arrive.

I put on my backpack and my Sony headphones and opened the car door. I walked briskly to the school door. I hope someone comes to open the door soon. My four head throbs from the car engines and other outside noises. Mr. H opens the door, I walk down the hallway I can hear women talking and laughing loudly it worsens The throbbing pain on my four head and the sides of my head above my ears I try not to cringe. 

I set my backpack down on the floor and took out my iPad locker key and phone. I push the button on my locker and swipe the key in front of it. It makes a loud automated half beeping half crunching sound which causes both sharp pain in my temple and ear and throbbing on my forehead. I tried to wrestle my backpack into my locker. The zippers on my backpack are metal and clank against the locker walls this and sharp pain into my ear and temple. I walk into the storage closet and get my backpack then I unplug my Vizio and shut Mr. L’s door before the other kids start to arrive. 


I walk over and sit down at my desk carefully not to let the chair leg touch the desk leg and put my Vizio iPad cell phone and locker key into my backpack. The kids start to enter and they open the classroom door increasing the level of noise coming from the hallway. One of the students closes the door and they all sit down, someone's chair clangs against the desk creating sharp pain in my temple and ear. “All right everyone let’s circle up Mr. L says”. I turn my chair around carefully to face the circle. Mr. L goes over the agenda for the day and talks about some other events happening later in the week someone says something and then Dr. F and Mr. L start talking and laughing too loud . This causes more throbbing pain on my forehead and The side of my head above my ears. 


My watch vibrates silently on my wrist letting me know it’s time to go sit in BSI before the transition. I turned around my chair and pushed it in carefully then I took the handle on my backpack and tried to carefully roll up with the chairs so that it doesn’t make noise. I open the door and walk down the hallway. I can hear people talking loudly which causes throbbing pain on my forehead. I walk into Miss Y’s office and shut the door. I walk over to the volume control and turn it down to zero about two minutes later the bell rings even with the speaker on zero. I can hear it from the hallway but luckily it’s not as painful. 

A bunch of students and staff walked through the hallways talking and laughing very loudly. The throbbing pain on my forehead and the sides of my head above my ears increases, they do this for about three minutes. Then the second bell rings and people are still in the hallways talking loudly for about another minute. I wait for the hallways to clear then I walk down the hall to Mrs. LT room for Spanish class. I close the door carefully as I walk in the door squeaks sending sharp pain in my ear in Temple. 

I try to pull out my chair carefully so as not to hit the table. Eland O and Mr. G are already sitting at the table. I pull out my iPad and start working on the packet for this week. As I work I can hear the sounds of people talking loudly in the hallways. It is painful. Miss LT rummages around in her desk. It sounds like she’s banging it causes throbbing pain in my forehead and the sides of my head above my ear. I keep working on my iPad, luckily O and E have very quiet voices. I share my document with Mr. G then my watch vibrates letting me know it’s time for me to go. 
 

I put my stuff in my backpack and walked over to the door. I managed to open it without it squeaking I walked down the hallway to Mr. H’s office. I gently shut the door and then walk over and turn off his music then I set the announcement volume on zero. About a minute later the bell rings students and staff talk loudly in the hallways intensifying my pain. This continues for about three minutes then the bell rings, fortunately they settle down pretty quickly. I slowly open the door and walk down the hallway which is still painfully loud for me to Mrs. F’s room. I close the door gently so that it doesn’t make noise then I walk over to my desk and try to carefully pull out my chair. 


I take my Vizio out of my backpack and try to gently set it down on the table then I start working on my math worksheet. I can hear people talking loudly in the hallways, my forehead and the side of my head above my ears intensify the throbbing pain. About halfway through class Miss B comes in. Later my watch vibrates I try to quickly and quietly pack up my stuff I walk out the door and into the hallway to Miss Youngstrum’s room 


I go in and shut the door A few seconds later Miss B comes in. The bell rings and students and staff start talking loudly. Their voices cause more throbbing pain. The second bell rings but the hallways take a while to quiet down then Miss B and I walk to the double doors leading outside. Even though it’s loud outside it’s quieter to walk around the outside of the building then through the hallways. Someone started using a power tool which causes the throbbing pain on my forehead and The sides of my head above my ears to increase I run to try to get away from the noise. Miss B opens the door and I wait in the vestibule while Miss B asks people to be quiet because the students are talking very loudly in the hallways. 


Their voices are very painful and cause sharp pain on my temples and throbbing pain on my forehead. She’s finally able to get the students to quiet down for long enough for me to run to the room Mrs. B puts the quiet sign on the outside of the door and then closes it. I start reading braille but after about a few minutes the kids are shouting and there’s a lot of banging noises I cringe because the shouting and banging causes throbbing and stabbing pain in my ears, temples, forehead and the sides of my head above my ears it feels like I am being punched repeatedly with something sharp. 

Miss B goes out into the hallway to try to get the students and to staff quiet down. They quiet down slightly but then later on start shouting again, which intensifies my pain. I do some brailing on my brailler I try to push down on the keys gently but it still sounds sharp pains into my ear and temple. My watch vibrates letting me know it’s time to go. I start to pack up then Miss B walks outside to ask the students to quiet down so I can run to the vestibule. 

I walk with Miss B around the school building and back into Bridges. The kids are transitioning so I wait. People are talking loudly in the hallways, my head throbs. 

Finally the hallways begin to clear and I walk down the hallway to Miss LT’s room where there are still people talking loudly in the hallways which is painful for me. I open the door and step inside and gently close the door. I walk over to my desk and try to gently pull out my chair so that it doesn’t make noise. 

I take out my iPad and Visio and start working on my work. Some people are talking loudly in the hallways which makes my forehead throb with pain. Mr. H opens the door to bring in my snack. The door squeaks sending sharp pain through my ears and temples. I eat my snack and continue working on my work. I wish I could just put my head down and rest. I'm in so much pain from the daily noise so far today but I know I need to keep working on my work. 

The pain is starting to make me feel very tired and exhausted. My watch vibrates letting me know it’s time for me to go, I pack up my stuff and gently push my chair in I walked down the hallway into Mr. H’s office and turn off his music and make sure the announcement volume is set to zero. Then I shut the door, about two minutes later the bell rings and people start talking loudly during the transition. 

The pain now makes me feel weak and exhausted. Just three and a half more hours left until the pain would at least stop increasing about 3 1/2 hours I tell myself. 


The second bell rings I wait for the hallways to clear and then walk to Mr. L’s room. I tried to gently close the door behind me then I tried to carefully pull out my chair so as not to hit the desk. I pull out my iPad and start working on my work. Mr. L is explaining the assignment to the class. I put up my signal to remind him to lower his voice as he is speaking painfully loud. I work on my work. 

My head is throbbing with pain I can hear them watching a movie in Mrs. LT’s room. It is loud and causes more throbbing pain on the sides of my head above my ears. I can hear Miss L talking loudly through the wall as well. Finally my watch vibrates letting me know it’s time to go I pack up my iPad and try to gently push my chair in I walk down the hallway towards Miss Y’s office. 

I can hear the sound of someone walking with high heels on it sends sharp pains through my ears and temples. I walk to Miss Y’s office and turn down the volume on the speaker then I gently close the door. 

The bell rings and the hallways get even louder students and staff start talking loudly creating more throbbing pain on the side of my head above my ears and on my forehead. After about three minutes the halls begin to clear and the second bell rings I get my locker key and head into the hallway.
 

I can hear staff talking loudly and someone else walking in heels which increases my pain. I press the button on my locker and swipe my card in front of it makes that loud half crunching have a beeping noise again causing sharp pain in my temple and ear and throbbing pain on my forehead. 

I open up my backpack and take out my lunchbox and then walk back into Miss Y’s office. I carefully pull out the chair and then gently unwrap the tinfoil on my bagel so it doesn’t make noise. I eat my lunch then the bell rings for sixth period. The halls get louder again as students and staff transition. 

Miss Y steps out and tries to quickly close the door behind her. The noise in the hallway only intensifies my pain. The second bell rings but I wait a while for the hallway to clear. I carry my lunchbox over to my locker press the button and swipe my key. Again the locker makes a loud Half crunching half beeping noise sending sharp pain into my temple and ear and throbbing pain on my forehead. 

I walk to Mr. C’s room for government class The hallways are noisy my head pulses with pain so I speed up and then try to quickly close the door as soon as get into Mr. C’s room. I try to carefully pull out my chair so that it doesn’t make noise when I sit down and take out my iPad to do my work A few minutes later some kids are making a lot of noise outside of Mr. C’s window which increases my pain Mrs. Ch tries to signal to them to quiet down. 

After a while my watch vibrates letting me know it is time for me to leave. I pack up my iPad and gently push my chair as I walk through the hallway into Miss Y’s office and gently close the door behind me. 


The bell rings about a minute later and the hallway gets loud again. My head throbs with pain finally the hallways begin to settle down and the second bell rings. I open the door and walk down the hallway to Miss LT’s room I try to gently close the door behind me but it still squeaks sending sharp pain through my ears and temples. 

My four head and temples ears and the sides of my head above my ears all hurt so badly I just want to put my head down and rest this pain is so tiring. I pull out my chair carefully and sit down. I take out my Vizio book and try to gently place it on the table I work on my work. 

The noise from the hallway continues to increase the throbbing pain on my four head and the sides of my head above my ears. I it hard for me to concentrate due to the pain caused by the other children talking at one time. Finally my watch vibrates letting me know that it’s time to pack up to go home. 

I plug in my Vizio book and take out my iPad locker key and phone from my backpack. I swiped my locker key in front of my locker and press the button again it makes the half beeping half crunches noise causing more sharp pain in my temples and ears and throbbing pain on my forehead I get the backpack from inside my locker and put my phone, iPad and locker key in there then I take my school backpack and put it in the storage closet. 

I go stand in the vestibule, my mother walks up to the door and I walk with her back to the car there’s a lot of buses with their engines going it is exacerbating the throbbing pain on my forehead and the sides of my head above my ears. 


I get in the car and shut the door boom the pain feels like a punch in my forehead and the area on the sides of my head above my ears. The pain from shutting the car door now is worse then when I did it this or ing because I am already in more pain from school and am even more sensitive. 

My mother starts up the car and we begin to drive out of the parking lot. The car seems even louder then this morning, luckily non of the other vehicles honk their horns. We pass by a large truck on the road which sends pulsing pain through my whole head. Finally we turn on to our neighborhood and pull into our driveway and I take off my sony headphones. 

I grab my backpack and open the car door then I close the car door and it makes a loud boom which feels like I am being punched on the sides of my head above my ears and my forehead, as I walk up to the front door I can hear the generators outside which cause me more pain. Once I get inside I hang up my coat careful not to let the hanger clang against the other hangers. 


Then I walk into the kitchen, the refrigerator is on which increases the throbbing pain on my forehead I put my lunch box on the counter put the ice pack in the freezer which makes the refrigerator noise louder. Next I throw away my plastic bags in the trash can and head upstairs. I go into the bathroom and carefully close the door after I use the toilet I open the door slowly press down the lever and run. 

It’s worse then earlier pain throbs through my whole head. I wait for the toilet to finish flushing then I go back in and wash my hands with the water trickling. I walk into my bedroom and climb into my closet. 

I get under the covers, lay down and close the door I lay in my closet under my covers, my ears, temples, forehead, and the sides of my head above my ears all merge into one large throbbing pain. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep. About 3 ½ hours later my mother opens my closet door “its time for you to get up so you can take your medicine and hydrate she says”. 

After she leaves I lay in my closet and drink water for about 5min My pain level before my nap was an 8 now it is about 7.75 then I get up and wash out the bathtub but I don’t rinse it or run the water because that makes noise. 


My mother brings my tray to the bottom of the steps and I take it the rest of the way up and eat dinner. After I finish eating I walk into my room and get my cell phone. I call my mother and tell her I am coming downstairs and ask her to turn everything off and ask daddy to be quiet. I pick up my try and walk downstairs I place the tray gently on the counter, the refrigerator is still on making my forehead throb. 

I throw away all of the paper plates and bowls and put the plastic silverware on the counter to be washed. I get my eyedrops and take them upstairs. Then I turn on the water at a trickle to wash my hands and then I go into my closet, lay down and do my eyedrops. 

I walk into the bathroom again gently take out my tooth brush and turn on the water trickling to brush my teeth. Then I use my facial cleansing water to wash my face so that I don’t have to deal with the water pressure. I go back into my closet and lay down for about 15min, then I reach into my closed pocket and do my other eye drop. I send daddy a text message telling him that the tub is clean and it's bath night. 


I walk into the guest bedroom because my bedroom is next to the bathroom so when daddy runs the water it is too loud in my bedroom. I sit on the bed in the guest bedroom while daddy runs my water my forehead and the sides of my head above my ears my temples and my ears all throb and hurt a lot from all of the noise of the day. I hear that the bath water has stopped running so I open the door to the guest bedroom and walk into the bathroom “thank you I say to daddy”. 


I gently close the bathroom door put on my shower cap and get into the tub. I wash off and then lay in the hot water for a few minutes, I can still feel the throbbing pain throughout my head and ears. I get out of the tub and put on my deodorant and night gown, then I open the bathroom door walk over to the bathtub and press the drain and run. 

The water makes a very loud noise as it drains out of the tub I try to gently close the bathroom door behind me my forehead throbs from the sound. I go into the guest bedroom and get seven milligrams of melatonin, despite how tired I am on school nights especially it is hard to sleep. I climb into my closet and call my mother to ask her to come and check me in. My mother comes upstairs and shuts me in the closet, I take my melatonin and then say my prayers I laid there for a while, my head hurts so badly, finally I fall asleep.
Nowadays
This was written back in October, fortunately somethings have improved. I now eat on paper plates and paper cups and use plastic silverware. My mother has also been helping me by preparing my tray and doing noisy things in the kitchen for me.
Life through my body, what it's like living with hyperacusis
    My mother pulls my closet door open slowly “Good morning sleeping beauty time to wake up“   I feel my head pounding even though I’ve been in the closet all night I’m still in a lot of pain from yesterday. I open my eyes I slowly push back my blanket and climb out of my closet  grab my earplugs from the pouch in my closet and going to the bathroom. I try to close the bathroom door slowly so that it doesn’t make noise then I walk over to the toilet and very careful lift the lid so that it doesn’t bang against the back of the toilet I use the toilet then it’s time for me to flush I open the bathroom door put in my earplugs press down the handle and run out off the bathroom. The toilet sounds like it’s roaring and despite trying to get away as quickly as I can my four head and temples and the area  on the sides of my head above my ears throb with pain I wait in the guest bedroom until the toilet is finish flushing my mother laughs at me I walk back into the bathroom my temples forehead and the area on the sides of my head above my ears from the toilet flushing I know they’ll still be hurting for about another hour from the flush. I turn on the water trickling so that it doesn’t make much noise and wash my hands then I reach over to put on my deodorant my arm accidentally knocks over the air spray on the counter the clang it makes causes a sharp pain in my temples and the sides of my head above my ears. The worst part is the pain does not go away immediately from accidents like these but lingers for about 30 minutes. 
I stand the bottle upright and put on my deodorant  then I open the door and try to carefully take out my toothbrush without clanking against any other items luckily this morning I am successful I squeeze some toothpaste onto the toothbrush and turn on the water at a trickle I brush my teeth I then reach for a cotton ball and put a tiny bit of facial cleansing solution on it as the amount of water required to wash my face is painfully loud. I slowly open the bathroom door and walk back into my bedroom I unplug my Sony headphones from the wall and put them in their case to take to school then I unplug my iPad and put it in my backpack I put my watch on my wrist and double check my cell phone to make sure it’s on volume one then I ask Siri for the weather. I pull out a dress from my closet careful not to let the hangers clang together. Then I put on my earplugs and walk downstairs The humming of the refrigerator increases the throbbing pain on my forehead, temples, and the area on the side of my head above my ears I walk over to my tray and tried to gently set it down on the kitchen counter.  I get a large paper plate as the metal plates make noise that is painful then I get a paper cup to use instead of a metal bowl. Then I reach up to get a drinking cup luckily the cup is by itself so it doesn’t make any noise I try to slowly and quietly close the cabinet door. The refrigerator is still humming increasing the throbbing pain especially on my four-head I open the refrigerator pull out my non my yogurt and my juice. Then I. Get a plastic spoon and I put the yogurt in the bowl put the non-on the plate and pour the juice into the cup. Then I walk over and open the freezer it’s even louder than the refrigerator and intensifies the throbbing pain I reach in and carefully pull out ice pack catch up I put it in my lunchbox I open the refrigerator and pull out the baggie of bagels then I reach in and get the cream
cheese. 
I try not to cringe my four head throbs with pain. I get a paper plate and a plastic knife. I put the bagel in the toaster and hold down the lever because the toaster is broken. As I stand there waiting the refrigerator sounds like it’s roaring like a truck, my forehead throbs it feels like someone is punching me. Finally the bagel ready is spread the cream cheese on the bagel and then reach into the drawer to get tinfoil.  I try to tear of the tinfoil gently but it still makes it tearing crackling sound which causes more throbbing pain on my four head and the sides of my head above my ears. I put my bagel into my lunchbox and walk upstairs to get Mommy I need her to use the microwave to heat up my food because I can’t do it because it’s too loud. after I get Mommy I put on my Apple Watch I stand in my bedroom and wait I can hear the microwave from my room but at least from this distance it isn’t painful I wait until I hear the three beeps letting me know the microwave is done before I walk back downstairs. I turn on the sink water at a trickle and then dry my hands on a paper towel I shut my bedroom door and lay on my bed and do my eyes drops. Then go downstairs pick up my tray and walk back upstairs. 
As I eat my non and take my medicine my ear and temple still feel the sharp pain and my forehead and the side of my head above my ear still throb from all the noise this morning.  Then I go into my bedroom put on my backpack grab my tray and walk downstairs. I walk to the kitchen the refrigerator is still on I try to set my tray down gently on the counter then I through away my paper plate and cups. I reach into the coat closet pull out my jacket and walk with my mother to the front door. As she opens the door The alarm system shouts “Front door“ causing intense throbbing on my forehead. As I step outside I can hear the noise of traffic from Columbia Road and 29 it causes throbbing pain on my forehead and the on the side of my head above my ears.  I open the car door and tried to close it gently “your door didn’t close all the way my mom says“ I shut the door harder causing a loud boom which feels like I’m being punched in the forehead. My mother starts up the car right away the car starts beeping loudly causing sharp pain in my ear and temple, she puts on her seatbelt stopping the beeping. 
The car sounds like a waterfall The loud engine causes more throbbing pain on my forehead. We you drive off of April Journey and on to Columbia Road then on to another neighborhood. Luckily we haven’t encountered very many other cars yet as we haven’t gotten on the main road yet. My mother turns onto Route 108 actually we’ve been driving for about three minutes a School bus pulls up beside us it sounds like a power tool and adds to the throbbing pain on my forehead “I’m trying to get away from the bus but I can’t run the other cars over my mother says“. After we finally get away from the bus another car honks it’s horn causing more stabbing pain. We turn into the school parking lot and pull up to the school I check the time to make sure that I will have enough time to get settled into Mr. L’s room before the students start to arrive.
          
         I put on my backpack and my Sony headphones and opened the car door. I walked briskly to the school door. I hope someone comes to open the door soon. My four head throbs from the car engines and other outside noises. Mr. H opens the door,  I walk down the hallway I can hear women talking and laughing loudly it worsens The throbbing pain on my four head and the sides of my head above my ears I try not to cringe. I set my backpack down on the floor and took out my iPad locker key and phone.  I push the button on my locker and swipe the key in front of it. It makes a loud automated half beeping half crunching sound which causes both sharp pain in my temple and ear and throbbing on my forehead. I tried to wrestle my backpack into my locker. The zippers on my backpack are metal and clank against the locker walls this and sharp pain into my ear and temple. I walk into the storage closet and get my backpack  then I unplug my Vizio and shut Mr. L’s door before the other kids start to arrive. 
I walk over and sit down at my desk carefully not to let the chair leg touch the desk leg and put my Vizio iPad cell phone and locker key into my backpack.  The kids start to enter and they open the classroom door increasing the level of noise coming from the hallway. One of the students closes the door and they all sit down, someone's chair clangs against the desk creating sharp pain in my temple and ear.  “All right everyone let’s circle up Mr. L says”. I turn my chair around carefully to face the circle. Mr. L goes over the agenda for the day and talks about some other events happening later in the week someone says something and then Dr. F and Mr. L start talking and laughing too loud . This causes more throbbing pain on my forehead and The side of my head above my ears. 
My watch vibrates silently on my wrist letting me know it’s time to go sit in BSI before the transition. I turned around my chair and pushed it in carefully then I took the handle on my backpack and tried to carefully roll up with the chairs so that it doesn’t make noise. I open the door and walk down the hallway. I can hear people talking loudly which causes throbbing pain on my forehead. I walk into Miss Y’s office and shut the door. I walk over to the volume control and turn it down to zero about two minutes later the bell rings  even with the speaker on zero. I can hear it from the hallway but luckily it’s not as painful. A bunch of students and staff walked through the hallways talking and laughing very loudly. The throbbing pain on my forehead and the sides of my head above my ears increases, they do this for about three minutes. Then the second bell rings and people are still in the hallways talking loudly for about another minute. I wait for the hallways to clear then I walk down the hall to Mrs. LT room for Spanish class. I close the door carefully as I walk in the door squeaks sending sharp pain in my ear in Temple. I try to pull out my chair carefully so as not to hit the table. Eland  O and Mr. G are already sitting at the table. I pull out my iPad and start working on the packet for this week. As I work I can hear the sounds of people talking loudly in the hallways. It is painful. Miss LT rummages around in her desk. It sounds like she’s banging it causes throbbing pain in my forehead and the sides of my head above my ear. I keep working on my iPad, luckily O and E have very quiet voices. I share my document with Mr. G then my watch vibrates letting me know it’s time for me to go. 
 I put my stuff in my backpack and walked over to the door. I managed to open it without it squeaking I walked down the hallway to Mr. H’s office. I gently shut the door and then walk over and turn off his music then I set the announcement volume on zero. About a minute later the bell rings students and staff talk loudly in the hallways intensifying my pain. This continues for about three minutes then the bell rings,  fortunately they settle down pretty quickly. I slowly open the door and walk down the hallway which is still painfully loud for me to Mrs. F’s room. I close the door gently so that it doesn’t make noise then I walk over to my desk and try to carefully pull out my chair. I take my Vizio out of my backpack and try to gently set it down on the table then I start working on my math worksheet. I can hear people talking loudly in the hallways, my forehead and the side of my head above my ears intensify the throbbing pain. About halfway through class Miss B comes in.  Later my watch vibrates I try to quickly and quietly pack up my stuff I walk out the door and into the hallway to Miss Youngstrum’s room   
I go in and shut the door A few seconds later Miss B comes in.  The bell rings and students and staff start talking loudly. Their voices cause more throbbing pain. The second bell rings but the hallways take a while to quiet down  then Miss B and I walk to the double doors leading outside. Even though it’s loud outside it’s quieter to walk around the outside of the building then through the hallways. Someone started using a power tool which  causes the throbbing pain on my forehead and The sides of my head above my ears to increase I run to try to get away from the noise. Miss B opens the door and I wait in the vestibule while Miss B asks people to be quiet because the students are talking very loudly in the hallways. 
Their voices are very painful and cause sharp pain on my temples and throbbing pain on my forehead. She’s finally able to get the students to quiet down for long enough for me to run to the room Mrs. B puts the quiet sign on the outside of the door and then closes it. I start reading braille but after about a few minutes the kids are shouting and there’s a lot of banging noises I cringe because the shouting and banging causes throbbing and stabbing pain in my ears, temples, forehead and the sides of my head above my ears it feels like I am being punched repeatedly with something sharp. Miss B goes out into the hallway to try to get the students and to staff quiet down. They quiet down slightly but then later on start shouting again, which intensifies my pain. I do some brailing on my brailler I try to push down on the keys gently but it still sounds sharp pains into my ear and temple. My watch vibrates  letting me know it’s time to go. I start to pack up then Miss B walks outside to ask the students to quiet down so I can run to the vestibule. I walk with Miss B around the school building and back into Bridges. The kids are transitioning so I wait. People are talking loudly in the hallways, my head throbs. 
Finally the hallways begin to clear and I walk down the hallway to Miss LT’s room where there are still people talking loudly in the hallways which is painful for me. I open the door and step inside and gently close the door. I walk over to my desk and try to gently pull out my chair so that it doesn’t make noise.  I take out my iPad and Visio and start working on my work. Some people are talking loudly in the hallways which makes my forehead throb with pain. Mr. H opens the door to bring in my snack. The door squeaks sending sharp pain through my ears and temples. I eat my snack and continue working on my work. I wish I could just put my head down and rest. I'm in so much pain from the daily noise so far today but I know I need to keep working on my work. The pain is starting to make me feel very tired and exhausted. My watch vibrates letting me know it’s time for me to go, I pack up my stuff and gently push my chair in  I walked down the hallway into Mr. H’s office and turn off his music and make sure the announcement volume is set to zero. Then I shut the door, about two minutes later the bell rings and people start talking loudly during the transition. The pain now makes me feel weak and exhausted. Just three and a half more hours left until the pain would at least stop increasing about 3 1/2 hours I tell myself. 
The second bell rings I wait for the hallways to clear and then walk to Mr. L’s room. I tried to gently close the door behind me then I tried to carefully pull out my chair so as not to hit the desk. I pull out my iPad and start working on my work. Mr. L is explaining the assignment to the class. I put up my signal to remind him to lower his voice as he is speaking painfully loud. I work on my work. My head is throbbing with pain I can hear them watching a movie in Mrs. LT’s room. It is loud and causes more throbbing pain on the sides of my head above my ears. I can hear Miss L talking loudly through the wall as well. Finally my watch vibrates letting me know it’s time to go I pack up my iPad and try to gently push my chair in  I walk down the hallway towards Miss Y’s office. I can hear the sound of someone walking with high heels on it sends sharp pains through my ears and temples. I walk to Miss Y’s office and turn down the volume on the speaker then I gently close the door. The bell rings and the hallways get even louder students and staff start talking loudly creating more throbbing pain on the side of my head above my ears and on my forehead. After about three minutes the halls begin to clear and the second bell rings I get my locker key and head into the hallway.
 I can hear staff talking loudly and someone else walking in heels which increases my pain.   I press the button on my locker and swipe my card in front of it makes that loud half crunching have a beeping noise again causing sharp pain in my temple and ear and  throbbing pain on my forehead. I open up my backpack and take out my lunchbox and then walk back into Miss Y’s office. I carefully pull out the chair and then gently unwrap the tinfoil on my bagel so it doesn’t make noise. I eat my lunch then the bell rings for sixth period. The halls get louder again as students and staff transition. Miss Y steps out and tries to quickly close the door behind her. The noise in the hallway only intensifies my pain. The second bell rings but I wait a while for the hallway to clear.  I carry my lunchbox over to my locker press the button and swipe my key. Again the locker makes a loud Half crunching half beeping noise sending sharp pain into my temple and ear and throbbing pain on my forehead. I walk to Mr. C’s room for government class The hallways are noisy my head pulses with pain so I speed up and then try to quickly close the door as soon as get into Mr. C’s room. I try to carefully pull out my chair so that it doesn’t make noise when I sit down and take out my iPad to do my work A few minutes later some kids are making a lot of noise outside of Mr. C’s window which increases my pain Mrs. Ch tries to signal to them to quiet down.  After a while my watch vibrates letting me know it is time for me to leave. I pack up my iPad and gently push my chair as I walk through the hallway into Miss Y’s office and gently close the door behind me. 
The bell rings about a minute later and the hallway gets loud again. My head throbs with pain finally the hallways begin to settle down and the second bell rings. I open the door and walk down the hallway to Miss LT’s room I try to gently close the door behind me but it still squeaks sending sharp pain through my ears and temples. My four head and temples ears and the sides of my head above my ears all hurt so badly I just want to put my head down and rest this pain is so tiring. I pull out my chair carefully and sit down. I take out my Vizio book and try to gently place it on the table I work on my work. The noise from the hallway continues to increase the throbbing pain on my four head and the sides of my head above my ears. I it hard for me to concentrate due to the pain caused by the other children talking at one time. Finally my watch vibrates letting me know that it’s time to pack up to go home. I plug in my Vizio book and take out my iPad locker key and phone from my backpack. I swiped my locker key in front of my locker and press the button again it makes the half beeping half crunches noise causing more sharp pain in my temples and ears and throbbing pain on my forehead I get the backpack from inside my locker and put my phone, iPad and locker key in there then I take my school backpack and put it in the storage closet. I go stand in the vestibule, my mother walks up to the door and I walk with her back to the car there’s a lot of buses with their engines going it is exacerbating the throbbing pain on my forehead and the sides of my head above my ears. 
    
          I get in the car and shut the door boom the pain feels like a punch in my forehead and the area on the sides of my head above my ears. The pain from shutting the car door now is worse then when I did it this or ing because I am already in more pain from school and am even more sensitive. My mother starts up the car and we begin to drive out of the parking lot. The car seems even louder then this morning, luckily non of the other vehicles honk their horns. We pass by a large truck on the road which sends pulsing pain through my whole head. Finally we turn on to our neighborhood and pull into our driveway and I take off my sony headphones. I grab my backpack and open the car door then I close the car door and it makes a loud boom which feels like I am being punched on the sides of my head above my ears and my forehead, as I walk up to the front door I can hear the generators outside which cause me more pain. Once I get inside I hang up my coat careful not to let the hanger clang against the other hangers. 
Then I walk into the kitchen, the refrigerator is on which increases the throbbing pain on my forehead I put my lunch box on the counter put the ice pack in the freezer which makes the refrigerator noise louder. Next I throw away my plastic bags in the trash can and head upstairs. I go into the bathroom and carefully close the door after I use the toilet I open the door slowly press down the lever and run. It’s worse then earlier pain throbs through my whole head. I wait for the toilet to finish flushing then I go back in and wash my hands with the water trickling. I walk into my bedroom and climb into my closet. I get under the covers, lay down and close the door I lay in my closet under my covers, my ears, temples, forehead, and the sides of my head above my ears all merge into one large throbbing pain. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep. About 3 ½ hours later my mother opens my closet door “its time for you to get up so you can take your medicine and hydrate she says”. After she leaves I lay in my closet and drink water for about 5min My pain level before my nap was an 8 now it is about 7.75 then I get up and wash out the bathtub but I don’t rinse it or run the water because that makes noise. 
My mother brings my tray to the bottom of the steps and I take it the rest of the way up and eat dinner. After I finish eating I walk into my room and get my cell phone. I call my mother and tell her I am coming downstairs and ask her to turn everything off and ask daddy to be quiet. I pick up my try and walk downstairs I place the tray gently on the counter, the refrigerator is still on making my forehead throb. I throw away all of the paper plates and bowls and put the plastic silverware on the counter to be washed. I get my eyedrops and take them upstairs. Then I turn on the water at a trickle to wash my hands and then I go into my closet, lay down and do my eyedrops. I walk into the bathroom again gently take out my tooth brush and turn on the water trickling to brush my teeth. Then I use my facial cleansing water to wash my face so that I don’t have to deal with the water pressure. I go back into my closet and lay down for about 15min, then I reach into my closed pocket and do my other eye drop. I send daddy a text message telling him that the tub is clean and it's bath night. I walk into the guest bedroom because my bedroom is next to the bathroom so when daddy runs the water it is too loud in my bedroom. I sit on the bed in the guest bedroom while daddy runs my water my forehead and the sides of my head above my ears my temples and my ears all throb and hurt a lot from all of the noise of the day. I hear that the bath water has stopped running so I open the door to the guest bedroom and walk into the bathroom “thank you I say to daddy”. 
I gently close the bathroom door put on my shower cap and get into the tub. I wash off and then lay in the hot water for a few minutes, I can still feel the throbbing pain throughout my head and ears. I get out of the tub and put on my deodorant and night gown, then I open the bathroom door walk over to the bathtub and press the drain and run. The water makes a very loud noise as it drains out of the tub I try to gently close the bathroom door behind me my forehead throbs from the sound. I go into the guest bedroom and get seven milligrams of melatonin, despite how tired I am on school nights especially it is hard to sleep. I climb into my closet and call my mother to ask her to come and check me in. My mother comes upstairs and shuts me in the closet, I take my melatonin and then say my prayers I laid there for a while, my head hurts so badly, finally I

Remember the nineties? Perhaps you do, as a kid that had dreams of the family you wanted to create one day or the adventure overseas you would embark on. All in this was the idea and potential for your career to cement you in adulthood. It is July 2020 and the reality of the global pandemic and economic fury is now a pathway we walk into as our future as people entering the prime of their adulthood.

- One thing I've found myself being really good at is pushing away the people who get close to me. Some of them stick around and each time that happens, I'm equally amazed and terrified. They end up knowing me so well, what if they one day decide to leave? Will my secrets be safe with them after the bridge has been demolished? If they don't leave, will my secrets, bad sides and dumb things I do, be used against me in a moment of weakness?

One spring in the late ‘seventies, when I was in my mid-twenties, I drove solo from Los Angeles to Provo, Utah in my first car, a tan 1976 Ford Mustang. Everything I owned, which wasn’t much, was stuffed beneath its hatchback. I had left Provo and my friends about six months previously, looking for adventure in the land of glamour and movie stars. When I ran out of money and dreams, it was time to head for the nearest exit.

This is me running, from myself, a disaster.

In 1904, the New York subway, built in an effort to connect all the boroughs of the city apart from Staten Island, opened its doors to thousands of passengers. From the Bronx to Brooklyn and from Manhattan to the Queens, the subway connected the people of New York. The diversity in ethnicity, riches and culture of the city could be observed by sitting in a subway cart for no longer than twenty minutes. On the surface of the automatic doors, you will read something along the lines of “do not lean against the doors” written in English, French, Creole and Spanish. If you turn your head to one side of the cart you will observe the businessman who sits on the colorful orange benches, legs crossed, and eyes locked in on his newspaper. If you turn towards the other side, you will see the homeless man who sleeps, his whole body spread out on the benches.